Zombie Massacre

It was bad very bad - the acting was utterly ridiculous it was almost like a comedy and the lines "so many wars , so many women" they truly have to be heard to be believed almost every scene there was a monstrously bad piece of dialogue "You know what a big pile of Shiite with flies around it looks like , I'm going to create a big pile of Shiite" - That was one of the more witty lines of dialogue! I am not joking you really really really have to see this for the dialogue - virtually every line was cringe-worthy.

The main actor was about as dull as Mr Dull McDull from the town of Drab On The Island Of Very Very Tedious. Great name "Jack Stone" - I wonder how many movies have used this combo of hard nut naming convention? I can only presume he was hired not due to his miniscule acting talent but massive manly frame to go with the equally manly hard-nut name!

As for the female sword wielding ninja mute - oh words evade me just watch it and you will see what i mean!

To be fair the Scottish guy was actually quite funny with lines like "gonna slow it down chief I'm getting old" said in that pithy Glaswegian drawl - I am still not sure whether this was by design or pure fluke or perhaps because I empathise with a fellow Glaswegian forced to take part in this carousel of calamity?

Zombie make-up was actually quite good but the whole thing was a disaster and more of a comedy than a serious Zombie flick - view it as a comedy and you might make it through the 1 and a half odd hours of torture!!!

I am giving it three stars just because of the funny Scots mercenary!!! He deserves a badge for making it through this movie as do I!!! Was it meant to be funny and ironic - who knows but it has seriously messed with my head!!!

This is the first time I bother to write review and I only do it because I am absolutely outrage by this terrible movie. They say Budget: $1.000.000 (estimated)but still waste of money.

John Dunn said "There was one thing worthy of note and that was the make up. The Zombies did look as though some time and effort had gone into them except for when we got a close up on their hands which looked as though they had come from the local joke shop horror section."

I like B movies, SciFi low budget but..... This is one of the worst movies I have ever "tried" to watch. I wonder why they make something like that? Is it a joke or.....are they plane stupid. It is a complete waste of......everything, note even funny just boring crap. Acting -10, story -10, ideas -10, initiative -10 and I could go on like that forever. Absolutely nothing to be positive about, sorry, absolute misery.

I get to vote from 1-10 (but I would give it -10 if it were an option)

General production quality?

Originality: 2 out of 10, mostly for the awesome American accents.

Acting: 3 out of 10, what's with the awesome American accents?

Setting: 0 out of 10. Wait, we're not even in America? But the accents!?

Filming: 5 out of 10. Overall production value was relatively high. They actually wasted money on this!

Special effects: 4 out of 10. Mostly CGI. The crap directors think they can get away with..

Makeup: 7 out of 10. Best part of the film by far.

Action: 3 out of 10. Pretty slow action.

Entertainment value: 4 out of 10. Overall not the most terrible thing I ever watched.

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Characters?

4 out of 10 for the two old mercenaries. Good or bad, they got into their parts.

2 out of 10 for the main hero. Dull as sandstone.

1 out of 10 for the bad guy. Just.. completely out of place.

0 out of 10 for the sword-bearing-anime-spin-off-wet-dream. This just screams fetish. It was almost insulting (Commander, sniper, bombs expert and.. ninja?).

1 out of 10 for the professor's "doe-tah" (in non-American accents, it's pronounced as "daughter").

5 out of 10 for the hick. Ya gotta have at least one hick! (best American accent)

1 out of 10 for the hick's mute girlfriend. Lame.. and mute. (no accent)

8 out of 10 for the dog. Best actor by far.

-------------------- Overall score.. 3.2

3 mercenaries and an ex-soldier serving time in prison are recruited (with the promise of money and freedom) to plant a nuke in some place that no one's ever heard of where there has been a zombie outbreak due to government sanctioned experiments gone wrong (probably not news to you, reader). This is the American government and an American operation even though most of the people in this movie, including army and government personnel, are clearly not American. The best example is the fact that the American president was played by a guy with a kind of German accent which made me chuckle for a lot of reasons.

The zombies are fierce and ugly enough, I guess. I've got no complaints there. The fact that the producers could have simply made this movie about some other government operation other than American to accommodate the accents and give it some credibility doesn't even bother me that much. Nor even the cliché and uninventive script and scenario of a bunch of different personalities recruited to do a job. What I most cared about was the action. Good action can save a movie. I've seen it happen. Unfortunately that did not happen here.

The 4 people: ex-soldier (and bodybuilder), expert fighting woman (with 2 swords, no less), explosives expert (gregarious Scotsman) and sniper (French guy with a nose that looks like it's been hit too many times) are not very interesting. None of them were particularly good at what they are supposed to be expert at. The ex-soldier and bodybuilder didn't do too much with the zombies physically. He did manage to shoot a few so I'll give him credit for that....I guess. The expert fighting woman was more interesting when she said nothing. Later she became talkative and ruined the whole mystique by sounding stupid. Moreover, she had no fighting expertise that I could see. I'm fairly certain I (and you reader) could disarm her with a nail file. The explosive genius, who was built up like some kind of Mcguyver, only had plastic explosives with a timer on it which, when it went off, looked little more impressive than what you see when you take a picture with a flash bulb.

All the "explosions" in this movie were like that in fact. Finally, the sniper who supposedly was so good he could shoot a fly on earth from somewhere in space (okay, I'm exaggerating a little) was using a rifle that he had to crank with a big handle after every shot. A process that took about 10 seconds or more. Shoot...crank...aim...shoot, and so on. I'm surprised he didn't upend the thing and start pouring gunpowder down the barrel and then ramming it with a ramrod. Needless to say, reader, about 2 dozen zombies went through his defense every time he cranked. Notwithstanding, I have seen worse (Based on what I've read here some of you may find that hard to believe). I feel 3 stars is just about right. Love, Boloxxxi.

Some kind of secret US weapon turns the inhabitants of a Romanian town into zombies. The squad sent in to deal with this clustermug are just preposterous. The worst of them, and it's hard to pick, would be the ginger ninja woman who has clearly not had even five minutes training on how to hold her weapon and instead strikes what she undoubtedly thinks are 'dramatic' poses.

The sniper, who supposedly killed 300 men from the same position, uses a bolt action rifle that looks like it last saw service circa the Korean war. I could go on. None of them are actually any good at what they are supposed to be the best at, the sniper for example gets ambushed within 4 seconds of setting up his gun. In total the entire squad expends just over 20 rounds between them before running out of ammunition.

This really is poor. I always watch every movie to the end but in this case I just couldn't do it. What a waste of good effects. The lowest point has to be the president with his thick German accent played by none other than Ewe Boll. Here is how he introduces himself:

"Hi! Ya, it is me. The president. Perhaps you are remembering me?" he says and later wittily adds "Ah I should be having sex with prostitutes! Perhaps I should just press ze red button." I lasted about another 30 minutes before hitting the off button.

Even if you love zombie films don't waste your time, this is just moronic.