Jurassic Shark

If you're an avid horror fanatic, yet you haven't got any cinematic or technical background, and you (together with a group of friends perhaps) watch a lot of terribly cheap and lame B-movies from within your lazy couch, then inevitably there will come a certain moment when you think to yourself: "I could make a much better and cooler movie myself …." Now, it's tremendously important that thoughts like these remain just thought and they cannot be processed further into concrete projects! Because if you do start to gather all your friends, family members and neighbors to film your allegedly kick-ass horror movie idea, we get crap like "Jurassic Shark"... I'm 100% convinced that director Brett Kelly and his mates were full of good intentions, and that they're actually a fun bunch to hang out with, but they simply don't have a clue about how to make a halfway decent movie. "Jurassic Shark" is amateurish rubbish of the worst possible kind and, sorry to put it this bluntly, but absolutely nobody is interested in seeing this guff. Brett Kelly probably thinks of himself that he's a movie prodigy, and his friends and family are likely too polite to tell it straight to his face, but any objective viewer will relentlessly bash his effort. When a large company drills for oil in a touristy lake, they accidentally drill too deep. That particular piece of dialog – "We drilled too deep" – gets repeated approximately a dozen times throughout the movie. So, just so you know, they drill too deep and hereby awaken a Megalodon shark that has actually been extinct for more than 200 million years. So, suddenly we have a 52ft shark (!) that is still in perfect shape despite being stuck underneath the lake's bottom for a gazillion of years, swimming around in a moderately sized pond. Brilliant! The only people courageous enough to face the critter are three hot chicks in colorful bikinis, but first they have to battle against a handful of idiotic crooks that lost their stolen painting in the lake. Don't ask… What we have? Well, let's see … atrocious acting, for starters. The performances are literally so terrible that you wished you could pull these people through the TV-screen and smack their faces. Particularly the female "gang" leader and the steroids fitness Vin Diesel copycat (who's, for some strange reason, an expert in the field of sharks and the Pleistocene era) are utmost annoying. Is it necessary that I add the special effects are the most pathetic I've ever witnessed. They vary from non-existent (people supposedly being eaten by the shark without the water surface even moving an inch) to seriously retarded computer engineered experiments. The shark constantly changes in size and at a certain point it even learns to fly and pick off people that are safely standing ashore. Some of my fellow reviewers pointed out that the effects were seemingly designed on a so-called "Etch-a-Sketch". I can't put it any better than this… I could also go on mentioning little imbecilic aspects, but "Jurassic Shark" already wasted enough of my (not-so) precious time, so behold my final statement: people with the intention to make such movies ought to be protected against themselves.

After reading the reviews, all of them uniformly condemning the movie as one of the worst films ever, I felt curious. Surely it can't be that bad? Every movie has a saving grace - anything. So I decided to watch at least bits and pieces of it. And, you know what? The reviewers were absolutely right. This movie is so bad, that I find it difficult to believe that anyone could have devoted any time to making it. I mean, had you gathered together a few of your friends and started shooting with your home camcorder at your neighborhood's pond, without any planning or foresight, you would have come up with something better than this piece of garbage. There is absolutely NOTHING about this movie that can be, even remotely, recommended. It's not even in that it's-so-bad-that-it's-good class. If they took it seriously, I feel embarrassed for all those who participated in making this movie - just as I felt embarrassed watching it for, how can anybody make something so entirely devoid of any redeeming qualities?

Sometimes it's unfortunate that IMDb won't allow a reviewer to give a score lower than 1, as a few films are so utterly crappy that a 1 seems way too generous...such is my feeling towards "Attack of the Jurassic Shark". This film appears inept in just about every way, with amateurish and often annoying acting, incompetent direction, some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (a small plastic shark being moved about by hand wouldn't have been much worse) and a script that is just plain stupid.

The film is set on a small island owned by a company. It's restricted so, of course, lots of young people keep appearing there! First, there are the two hot idiots at the beginning of the film, then a group of idiots led by an artistic and really angry dominatrix who is up to something and then a group of really young and stupid folks led by a girl who wants to do an exposé and impress her teacher (how cute!). Each is simply shark-fodder and although they are now SAFELY ON THE ISLAND, they still manage to get eaten! And much of the time they argue...much like you'd expect 13 year-olds to argue. In fact, they argue and whine and spout so much insipid dialog that the audience is praying they get eaten...and fast!

The bottom line is that this shark movie is so bad, so stupid and so inept that I could only see someone watching this film with some friends so they can laugh at the awfulness of the production. There is nothing positive I can say about this very stupid film.

Watched this last night, i was prepared for something bad, but this is on a completely new level of bad. There isn't a single good thing to say about this movie, other than, it is maybe an excellent lesson in how not to make a movie. What really amazes me about rubbish like this, is that someone must actually throw money at it to get it made, a classic case of more money than sense or a tax fiddle. I suppose one purpose of something this bad is that it gets people talking about it, hence my review/warning. Honestly, this isn't worth your time, i would stay well away, unless of course you like to watch a movie open mouth and constantly asking why, yeah we did ha ha.

I was going to review this with all caps but ..... Don't Waste Your Time With This One. I've watched 1000's of movies and only a few have I quit watching before the end. This one is at the top of that list. Wooden acting? ... more like cement. Special effects? .... better ones could have been produced using MSPaint. Continuity? .... none that I could discern. Script and story? .... nope, didn't see any. I HAD to give it a 1 simply because there is no 0.

I have to admit that the actresses were pleasant to look at and did appear to be putting a genuine effort into their work. If this was a first film-making attempt I would be tempted to give this one a C+ for enthusiasm.

Don't waste your time. Rent Plan Nine from Outer Space instead.