- Lucius Malfoy: Yes, I know. He marries Ginny! There is literally no way to move forward from this point!
- Severus Snape: Why that's absurd!
- Remus Lupin: You're absurd!
- Severus Snape: What! SAY THAT TO MY FACE!
- Remus Lupin: YOU'RE ABSURD!
- Severus Snape: THAT'S ABSURD!
- Remus Lupin: How much proof is there now! Ah-ah! What you're looking at is the corpse of Peter Pettigrew. The man thought to be killed by Sirius years ago. Can I get a time of death on this please?
- Neville Longbottom: Well, I'm no coroner, but, uh, looks like he was killed ten minutes, and, uh thirty-six seconds ago.
- Remus Lupin: Thanks, Neville. How could Sirius have killed him years ago if he's only been dead for ten and a half minutes?
- Molly Weasley: Yeah! Why does he look all FRESHLY bloody. And mangled. And... dirty.
- Arthur Weasley: Yeah! How'd he end up like that? Lupin!
- Remus Lupin: Yes! Probably the work of that... infamous Hogwarts... Jaguar.
- Albus Dumbledore: Makes sense to me!
- Remus Lupin: Yes! The Hogwarts jaguar... Responsible for so much property damage to Hogwarts this year! Especially in my office... *cough*cough* Lupin shouldn't have to pay for that... Yes... Who said that?... Probably that jaguar! Bless his soft adorable paws that he trips over when he's running to fast...
- Albus Dumbledore: Disapparate!
- Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, Ron Weasley, Dolores Umbridge, Sirius Black: Ahh! Magic!
- Severus Snape: It's a BBM from Umbridge "Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?" Now you drag me into this?
- Severus Snape: Where did the poster of headmaster Zefron go?
- Dolores Umbridge: I don't care for Zefron. Taylor Lautner is my man.
- Severus Snape: What do you want, you horrid b*itch?
- Draco Malfoy: But as consequence... My father...
- Hermione Granger: Lucius Malfoy?
- Draco Malfoy: The very same. It turns out my father has traveled back in time with a gang of Death Eaters. Their mission? To KILL Harry Potter. And when I found out about their evil plot, I stowed away in my father's fanny pack so I could stop them.