- Jane Hayes: Sorry. Sorry, I didn't know I became a ninja when startled in a strange place. My father, if he were alive, would die of shame.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: And here was I thinking that any father would be delighted to have a ninja as a daughter.
- Martin: He's still acting. It's just all part of his act. See the costume? He's an actor.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: You're just jealous, aren't you? Because my aunt would rather bring in a complete novice than move some Kiwi actor up to the big house.
- Jane Hayes: You're not British either?
- Martin: It's part of the Commonwealth.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Couldn't you get a job on "The Hobbit"?
- Martin: That's it, Shakespeare!
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Think about all the people in the world that hang themselves, and then the next day they feel different, but there's nothing they can do about it. Don't hang yourself, Jane.
- Colonel Andrews: [after Jane fights off Wattlesbrook's unwanted advances] Why, Mr. Wattlesbrook, not again.
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: Little slag attacked me!
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Well, obviously. She is a ninja.
- Lady Amelia Heartwright: Why Miss Charming, what beauteous skin you possess.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Oh Wearwe? Well, that's because late at night when I'm all alone, I put my face in the fire.
- Lady Amelia Heartwright: Really! It's like a porcelain plate.
- Colonel Andrews: Like being in a kiln.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: And Jane, the maid told me that FYI, she said don't use the chamber pots. Apparently the toilets really do flush here and they don't know what to do if it just piled high.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: The night of the ball, you said you wanted something real. I'd like to believe that I am real. Is it possible that... someone like me can make you happy? Will you let me try?
- [pause]
- Jane Hayes: No, see, people don't do this. I mean, this is my fantasy... this isn't...
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Have you stopped to consider that you might have this all backward? Jane... you are my fantasy.
- [romantic kiss]
- Jane Hayes: Tally-ho?
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Tally-ho.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: [during the "theatrical"] l am Aphrodite, the goddess. Often fickle in my large arse.
- Mrs. Wattlesbrook: Largesse.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Largesse.
- Jane Hayes: Do you really believe, Mr. Nobley, that you can know the worth of a person at a glance?
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Can you tell me that within the first few moments of meeting each person in this room, you didn't form firm opinions of their character?
- Jane Hayes: Well, it would be a shame if my first impression of you proved correct.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: [after stealing Amelia Heartwright's dresses] Heartwright had millions of them. She's as dumb as a light post. She'll never notice.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Why are we running?
- Jane Hayes: Because man and woman should never be alone unless they are in motion.
- Colonel Andrews: I say, who needs the outdoors when you ladies are such a breath of fresh air.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Colonel, you really are a saucy monkey.
- Colonel Andrews: It would appear to be my duty to gaze into your eyes. I'm a military man, I'd never shirk my duty.
- Jane Hayes: I'm going to take charge of my story. An Austen heroine gets engaged by the end of the book, so that is what I'm going to do.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Why don't you go for Captain East? Look how hot he is. And he's a soap star!
- Captain East: When my seaman's heart tell me what to do, I do not fear to follow through.
- Colonel Andrews: That rhymes. That rhymes.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: [flipping through Jane's sketchbook] It is curious, however, that there are more of me than anyone else.
- Jane Hayes: I guess I've been trying to figure you out without much luck.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Surely you've come to some conclusions.
- Jane Hayes: You're the resident Mr. Darcy. Come on, you're every girl's fantasy.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: So I'm your fantasy?
- Jane Hayes: You play your character very well.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: [crestfallen] Right.
- Jane Hayes: Lizzie, you know, I think... I think that Colonel Andrews... I think he, um... that he might be...
- [hesitates]
- Jane Hayes: ... perfect for you.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Jane, thank you. I was so afraid you were gonna say you thought he was gay.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: I didn't think I was touching you inappropriately.
- Colonel Andrews: Well, you did. And if we're to be together, you must never ever do anything like that ever again, if we're to be together.
- Lady Amelia Heartwright: Something on your mind?
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Absolutely nothing's on my mind, thank you.
- Captain East: Imagine. One lone British frigate surrounded by four French war craft, cap'n dead on the deck. 'Surrender!' came the cry.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Anyone buying this?
- Captain East: 'Never,' said I.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: [anxiously] Did you die?
- Jane Hayes: Have fun tonight, Amelia.
- [Amelia turns to reveal a bloody gauze patch over her eye, shocking Jane and Elizabeth]
- Jane Hayes: [awkwardly] You look so beautiful.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Pirate-y.
- Jane Hayes: But, like, a beautiful pirate.
- Jane Hayes: I can't wait to pick a name.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: How about Miss Pepperpot? Or Miss Wiggly Wiggins?
- Jane Hayes: Those are - those are nice.
- Jane Hayes: So why are you going to this place?
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Because I'm gonna look great in those wench gowns.
- [first lines]
- Mrs. Wattlesbrook: What separates the casual Jane Austen fan from the aficionado? Is it her admiration for the style and manners of the Regency era? The number of times she has read Austen's novels? Or her consuming love for Mr. Darcy?
- Jimmy: Hey, Horseface.
- Jane Hayes: Jimmy, what are you doing here?
- Jimmy: Well, I heard you broke up with Greg. So that means you're free to go bowling tonight.
- Jimmy: I picked you on purpose, Jane Hayes. Thirty plus, clock ticking. I'm as good as it gets, baby.
- Mrs. Wattlesbrook: All of my guests will experience romance with one of our actors. But I must emphasize there is to be no touching other than the necessary social graces.
- Colonel Andrews: I say, Miss Erstwhile, you are tongue-tied today. What sordid secrets is your mouth trying to hide from us?
- Colonel Andrews: Unwell? Perhaps you have a touch of the vapors? Or mange? Either way, bell jar on the tummy. Sucks out all the vicious vapors.
- Mr. Henry Nobley: Society demands that we engage in a social intercourse in order to seem courteous. Yet, in most cases, such actions are ultimately - vulgar.
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: What's that earthy smell about you? Is it perfume?
- Jane Hayes: I'm not wearing any perfume.
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: Must be your essence.
- Colonel Andrews: It's my sneaky maneuver I picked up in the Punjab.
- Lady Amelia Heartwright: Oh! Exotic!
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Why are we sewing again?
- Jane Hayes: I guess this is how women must have spent a lot of their time.
- Miss Elizabeth Charming: Well, if the men don't come back from hunting soon, I'm gonna ask for a refund.
- Lady Amelia Heartwright: Miss Erstwhile, are you enjoying yourself? It is a shame we are so awkwardly grouped. Two gentlemen and three ladies, leaving you always to bring up the rear alone.
- Captain East: Right now, my seaman's heart bid me do thusly. You are a most sensual creature.
- [kisses Jane's hand]
- Mr. Henry Nobley: I don't know if you realize that it's not proper in this particular time, or any time, for a lady to be alone after dark - let alone cavorting with the servants.
- Jane Hayes: Cavort?
- Mr. Henry Nobley: When doing so might lead to...
- Jane Hayes: Did you just say "cavort"?
- Mr. Henry Nobley: There's just something about that guy I really don't...
- Jane Hayes: Aren't you all righteous concern, Mr. Nobley?
- [sarcastically]
- Jane Hayes: Thank goodness you've saved me from sullying myself with the help.
- Jane Hayes: I only really know one song.
- Colonel Andrews: Play that one then.
- Mrs. Wattlesbrook: Not surprising.
- Jane Hayes: So I'll just play that.
- [singing]
- Jane Hayes: It's getting hot in here, So take off all your clothes, I am - getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off...
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: Still awake, are you? Up to some mischief, I hope.
- Jane Hayes: Just needed some fresh air. If you'll excuse me.
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: No, no, stay a moment. We might engage in a private game of Whist.
- Jane Hayes: Oh, that's a four-person game.
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: We could be partners. Little wink-wink, little nudge-nudge, under the table.
- Jane Hayes: I think I should go to bed now.
- Mr. Wattlesbrook: [grabs Jane] Precisely my point.
- Jane Hayes: No This is *so* not Regency appropriate.