Run for Your Wife

Alright, if you've seen in my prior reviews, I took a look at Keith Lemon: The Film, and my thoughts on it are not pretty at all especially when it came to celebrity cameos that had no purpose in the non-existent plot.

Now, we come across Run for Your Wife, which is based on a West End show of the same name. It stars Danny Dyer, who's appeared in other films and television shows, and i'm not a fan of him at all mainly for the fact he's quite annoying. The main female protagonists are played by the late Sarah Harding and TV presenter Denise Van Outen. This was meant to be the big break for both, and of course, it wasn't.

I don't know how faithful or unfaithful this movie is to the original stage play, but if it was either, then I wouldn't know. The celebrity cameos are obnoxious and although it was done for charity it is still way too much - 141 in all! Even Keith Lemon: The Film had way less celebrity cameos than this film did (as much as they were as bad as this was). This film also adds to the many terrible projects Denise Van Outen has starred in over the years (Something for the Weekend, anyone? And no, not the BBC show from 2006-2012, a Channel 4 series from 1999).

I could say that the only good thing is that the film doesn't have disgusting sexual jokes due to it's 12 rating, unlike Keith Lemon. And at least the characters aren't one-dimensional on sexual stuff. But it doesn't mean anyone is likeable.

Aside from the celebrity cameos, there's nothing else to write home about. I wouldn't even say it's a "So Bad, it's Good" kind of thing, either. It's best left aside and although it gets my lowest 1/10 score, it's still no Keith Lemon: The Film.

2012 turned out to be something of a banner year for terrible comedies, with the all-star embarrassment Movie 43 opening to a chorus of disapproval and howls of "worst comedy ever" - only for those very same easily-offended critics to eat their words a matter of weeks later when this ill-advised big-screen version of Ray Cooney's redoubtable stage farce opened, very briefly in a handful of cinemas, before distributors pulled the plug. The word was out - Run For Your Wife set a new benchmark in terms of gob-smacking wretchedness. It was Sex Lives of the Potato Men all over again, the benighted British film industry apparently having failed to learn the valuable lessons of the vile Viz spin-off Fat Slags (2004) or the barrel-scraping Bottom spin-off Guest House Paradiso.

There's no denying that Run For Your Wife is indeed awful, but does it really deserve the vitriol that was spewed all over it, causing it to disintegrate like one of Seth Brundle's doughnuts in the Fly (1986)? Well, Danny Dyer - now safely ensconced in EastEnders, but at the time negotiating a tricky image change after the public and critics alike decided they'd had quite enough of him playing a foul-mouthed Cockney geezer - didn't do too badly in the pivotal role of John Smith, a bigamist taxi driver trying to juggle two marriages. Ray Cooney's enduring and endearing love for the city of London shines through several of the more engaging, less hectic sequences, particularly the opening titles which look like a spinning rack of tourist-friendly postcards come to life (though the appearance of the soon-to-be-jailed celebrity paedophile Rolf Harris might have to be cautiously edited out, should the film ever receive a television airing). There's certainly fun to be had in spotting the ridiculous number of cameos from Cooney's showbiz chums - Jeffrey Holland! Russ Abbot! Brian Murphy! Derek Griffiths! Bernard Cribbins! Nicky Henson! Maureen Lipman! Prunella Scales! Donald Sinden! Richard Briers! You get the idea. It's as if Dyer lives in a world entirely populated by British celebrities from the seventies and eighties. Bags of fun for people like me, who don't have much of a life.

Sadly, these disparate elements are powerless to save the film from itself, and what worked beautifully on stage for the best part of a decade transfers to the screen looking more like a hideous, primary- coloured Chuckle Brothers romp with a slightly higher budget than what the unfortunate Mr Dyer rashly described as 'the ultimate British comedy'. For the first half, it's mostly inoffensive, broadly played slapstick, yet from the moment Christopher Biggins and Lionel Blair's staggeringly stereotypical pair of ageing queens are introduced, leading to an apparently endless sequence in which they try to clear up their flooded apartment, the film becomes an endurance test, a chore to sit through unleavened by some unpleasant homophobia and Denise Van Outen's subtlety-free and increasingly fever-pitched performance.

Yes, Denise Van Outen is in this - the former 'geezerbird' television presenter and lad's mag favourite, alongside former Girls Aloud performer Sarah Harding. Neither of whom are noted exponents of theatrical farce, of course, which begs the question - what are they doing here? They probably asked themselves that throughout the entire shoot. The remainder of the comic heavy lifting is left to Neil Morrissey, who by 2012 had long ceased to resemble the puppy-eyed lad- about-town familiar from Men Behaving Badly and had started to look as if he was suffering from the disorientating effects of early onset Alzheimer's - a situation not helped by the fact that his big comedy set-piece involves sitting on a large chocolate cake. All those accomplished comedy actors hamming it up on the sidelines, and the main four roles went to Dyer, Van Outen, Harding and Morrissey. There's no justice.

Worst of all, a sequel is optimistically promised (or rather threatened) in the end credit roll, this time based on another Cooney stage hit, Caught in the Act - which apparently takes place eighteen years after Run For Your Wife. If, by some fluke of chance, that one actually gets the green light, brace yourself for a fresh spate of "worst comedy ever!" reviews circa 2030.

I was lucky, or should i say unlucky enough to attend the premiere of this film. And after about 10 minutes it was clear to me that what was in front of me was nothing better than a high school film project. Every aspect of this film was appalling. The screenplay was horrific, containing the most crude and unfunny jokes imaginable. The acting was as bad; poor Danny Dyer did the best he could considering what he had to work with but the two wives, Sarah Harding and Denise Van Outen took acting to a new low. Ray Cooney's directional ineptitude was also clearly apparent however good a stage writer he may claim to be.

The 90 minutes I had to spend watching this was truly the most tiresome experience I have ever had in a cinema. The hocus pocus plot I'm sure drove most of the audience round the bend and I felt a great deal better when the credits started to role. Everyone who had anything to do with this film must be regretting being a part of this project. It seems that the only point of this film was to give has beens of British film and television a few seconds of screen time.

It is no surprise Run for your Wife took a grand total of £602 in its first week and is being heralded as the worst film of the year.

i was astounded at how bad this movie actually was. I had heard all the bad reviews and thought that nothing could be that bad, so in a way i was actually looking forward to seeing it. How wrong i was. The best thing i can say about this movie is that Danny Dyer isn't the worst thing in it, not by a long chalk. Denise van Outen can take a bow for claiming that accolade. Her portrayal of one of the wives is a nadir in acting, she screeches and gurns the whole way through the movie, chewing every bit of scenery and being so annoying that you actually feel sorry for Danny Dyer's character. She also sings the song at the end credits so do yourself a favour and switch off when they appear. Everyone involved in this movie should hang their heads in shame. there is not one single funny bit in it, even though several cameo characters laugh at the on screen action, as if trying to convince the audience it is funny. the way it is scripted , paced, filmed and acted makes it look like a Chuckle Brothers movie. In fact it makes the Chuckle Brothers look like the Marx brothers. i felt dirty and ashamed after watching this movie, save yourself that feeling and avoid at all costs.

Wow, just wow. Hopefully the final nail in the coffin that is Danny Dyer's movie career. This man can just about get away with playing a cockney geezer who is a bit tasty with his fists, darling, but he can't do comedy. Comedy is really hard. It requires more than pulling silly faces and going, cor blimey guvnor, me trousers just fell down and the missus is back any minute! This film might have been funny if it were 1956. But it's not, it's 2013 and chucking in references to viagra and Spotify isn't enough to cover up pathetically old fashioned portrayals of women (Denise van Outen, bow your head in shame. I expect Danny Dyer to be terrible, but you used to be cool) and gay people (two old hams from yesteryear playing a pair of mincing queens who have to be seen to be believed). Having said that the score is awesome and deserves an Oscar nomination. As I write this, I'm still singing, run, run for your wife, double your strife, something something something something something, run for your wife!