- Gordon: Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
- Richard: Dad...
- Gordon: Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first met them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.
- [first lines]
- Richard: It's important you understand, it's not you, it's me. What we have is so special. I love you more than I can say, but I'm sorry, truly, because, I fucked up.
- [we see that he is talking to a young boy]
- Richard: Look, I owe you an explanation, but honestly, I don't know where to begin.
- Richard: Tell me something, Dad. Why did you and Mom get married?
- Gordon: What kind of an inane question is that for a Thursday evening?
- Richard: For a man who revels in reckless promiscuity, your four marriages do beg some questions.
- Gordon: Your mother fed me regularly. She pleasured me half decently now and then. What more could a man want?
- Richard: Oh, I don't know, friendship? Someone to see the world with, have a laugh with? Maybe even start a family with.
- Richard: [to Olivia] Maybe you're better off without him. Think about it. You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful, terrible driver, but... I'm sure you'll find someone to overlook that.
- Gordon: Joan left me. Silly cow.
- Richard: Well, I'm sorry. Truly.
- Gordon: Well, that makes me feel so much better. I mean, God almighty, thank you for those profound words of sympathy.
- Richard: Well, it's a lot more than you ever said when Kate left me.
- Gordon: Well, I warned you about her! She was a rampant little Yankee trollop.
- Richard: You know what, Dad? Of course Joan left you. You're a misanthropic, misogynistic asshole who doesn't give a fuck about anybody, least of all the poor saps who you got to marry you in the first place.
- Gordon: Is that it? Is that all you've got?
- Richard: And you did it all in the name of some misguided credo called fun. Which you brainwashed me with in the first place.
- Richard: Hey, you want to get a drink? Actually, maybe not. I've got a grueling lecture in an hour. How about a joint?