Sharktopus

I used to think Cabin Boy was the worst movie ever made, but I was wrong. There are no words to describe the terrible acting, the lame effects, the lack of flow, etc.

When the tongue-in-cheek jokes are predictable, you know it sucks. I attempted to watch it twice, but did not make it past two commercial breaks.

I am sure even Charlie Sheen makes fun of Eric Roberts for this movie. I just hope the other "actors" careers recover from this.

If you are looking to waste two hours of your life, there are better ways than watching this garbage.

Perhaps I have been hoodwinked. Mega Piranha resparked my love of shonky B Movies like the adrenalin shot Vincent Vega gave Mia Wallace, and I immediately sought other examples.

I unfortunately forgot that adrenalin shots are not Plan A, B or C, but to paraphrase Earl Bassett in Tremors "something you do when a plan fails".

How's that I just referenced two 10 out of 10 movies to help me describe a 4 / 10 crapfest!

As good as Mega Piranha was in being enjoyably terrible Sharktopus is at being normally terrible – and the truth is both beasts (films) are only 5% different.

Sharktopus is an army funded genetically engineered amalgam of shark and octopus – if you couldn't have worked that out for yourself. It seems a little unfair to give the most efficient and dangerous underwater predator an eight leg up but they did it anyway.

(One thing I can't deny is that it would actually be a way more efficient predator given 8 legs!)

The sharktopus has a large helmet strapped to it that conveys electrical impulses sent by its scientist creators, this keeps it on the straight and narrow. Calamari control if you will.

No prizes for guessing what happens to the helmet?

...

Once free of control Sharktopus heads down the coast for some sun, surf and supper. Using the new octopian improvements and its sheer sharkiness – they can make up words so can I – it wreaks havoc on dozens of bikini clad terrible actors all the way to Mexico.

Back in the lab lead scientist Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts – he should ask his sister for some money and avoid these films) knows the risks and sends two more over-actors to recapture the beast… in some sort of seafood basket I would expect.

The pair are his daughter Nicole (who does little but tap away at a laptop and look worried) and a staff member he fired named Andy (who also seems terribly ill-equipped for the job).

Various kooky cats get involved including a hungry reporter and her reluctant cameraman, a crazy local drunk and dozens of dozens of middling bikini chicks. One thing I will say is that for a TV movie there was much cleavage and flesh on display – all PG stuff I assure you – none of it is A-for-Alba Grade but I appreciate the effort and acknowledgment of the inevitable viewing audience, it sure wasn't my wife who put Sharktopus on the DVD pile.

Anyway the entire movie should revolve around the beast so let's expand on Sharktopus. Aside from the afore mentioned enhancements the tentacles mean that ol' Sharkey can now walk on land – funny I never saw an octopus do that – it is obviously a cheap FX job and when walking looks like an overly elaborate hood ornament.

The CGI is also distracting in that it pops out of the screen rather than blending in, meaning it is hard to take the shark/octopus hybrid seriously… did I just really write that?

Let's put a bow on this sucker: While the CGI is better than Mega-Piranha it lacks the same clumsy charm, everything here comes off as calculated and try hard where the giant exploding fish film was cheese personified.

All the deaths are the same:

Bikini clad bad actor (BCBA) noticing,

BCBA wondering,

BCBA looks surprised (and often slightly in the wrong direction),

Tentacles appear.

Dead.

Final Rating – 4 / 10. As a guy I appreciate the inclusion of some T&A, even in the form of average women in bikinis and zero nudity. But it's the other T&A that better describes Sharktopus: Tedious & Amateurish.

This is no Mega Piranha, when given the choice I can't impress just how much better that is than this film. Where Mega Piranha was ridiculously terrible, this is just terrible.

Story, which is stupid and so un-original, you can read in other reviews and in plot-section. It is however very stupid and not worth of mention. Actually, think about word "Sharktopus" just for second. Yes, it is some secret government project which went wrong. That's all you need to know about story.

Acting? Visual/audio effects? Comedy? Fear? All together, very low. But that is thing you know as well.

The reason why I review this title is simple. I'm big fan of low-budget-so-bad-its-good movies. This is bad, cheap, but simply, not bad enough. Seems weird? Well, acting is not that bad, there are no very obvious movie goofs, there is some cliché in story but not much, anyway, it is bad, very bad movie, but trust me, for making-fun-of with your friends, better buy some cheap Asylum movie.

I have seen better acting in a high school play rehearsal. Cheesy actors (no-names with nothing to their credit, for the most part), cheesy "special effects," (if you can even call them that), cheesy story (some sort of history of the creature that is only vaguely explained), horrible attempts at humor (especially when people get attacked by the creature), cheesy creature (half octopus and half shark -- really?), and cheesy creature "action." You can actually tell without any stretch of the imagination that it's similar to claymation in front of a green screen -- and not very good animation, either. I mean, really? Was this a 6th grade video project? Eric Roberts must be just one step above destitute to have signed to to this horrible production. We should all send him $5 so he doesn't have to do another one like that. Horrible. Just horrible.

Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) and his daughter Nicole (Sara Malakul Lane) are scientists who created a shark/octopus hybrid. It manages to escape their control. They follow it to Mexico where they hire local guide Andy Flynn (Kerem Bürsin).

This is dumb, but that's to be expected. The CGI is bad, but it could be worst. The sharktopus design has problems, but I get the concept. The acting is bad, but they do have Eric Roberts. This is bad camp, but it is not worst of the worst. It does have girls in bikinis, but I wouldn't call it sexploitation. Its greatest sin is that it's boring. I wouldn't recommend it.