Luna de miel mortal

Based on a recent true event, this colorless movie tells the tale of a young couple on their honeymoon cruise, but the starring role seems to have gone to Zoe McLellan as the ship's social director. She gets all the close ups and glamor shots, and her glistening cleavage is most on display throughout the film. It makes for an odd and lopsided tale, since she is at the center of every crime-solving scene, an unlikely place for the ship's social director to be. The story concerns the mysterious death of the handsome young husband, played by chiseled Chris Carmac looking as if he had just stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad, which in fact he has. The former model has little to do but look attractive, which he does in a generic way that evokes countless other male models of recent vintage. His churlish young wife is played by Summer Glau, glowering her way through the honeymoon. Did some Russian playboys kill the husband, or did the wife do it in a fit of jealous rage? We may never know, and this dull movie does little to pique our interest. By the end, you probably won't care who did it. There is no atmosphere, no sense of being at sea or aboard a ship. This is a drab, cheap snooze with an unknown cast set in a variety of colorless rooms and offices. Deadly indeed.

Why on Earth do they keep putting the FBI agent in the same halter top get up just in different colors and patterns?? Is this all that a female FBI agent owns for vacation wear? Probably not. Just like how the captain wouldn't forget ahead in an "Oscar Oscar Oscar" situation (morse code/maritime term for man overboard). Protocol is to stop, search and immediately turn around. Passengers are informed of change of itinerary. But, lifetime didn't get the message. They blame the missing persons on some annoying Europeans and then the euro trash blames the wife. Then the FBI agent shows up in a little black dress and heels at the crime scene during daylight, because duh, that's what we all wear on a cruise during daylight. Another peeve: the couple was together for "three years" yet later there is the scene where the wife says, "is this how it's gonna be the rest of our lives?" As he chugs vodka outta the bottle: this is surprising her? The main characters suck just as bad as the Hungarian scapegoats. It has it's moments if you're not hung up on the details like me. If you like dinner murder mysteries from your local town's community theater, you'll love this.

***SPOILERS*** The film "Deadly Honeymoon" seems to have been based on a true story which is why I suspect it's ending is so unlike in the made for TV movies you usually see on the Lifetime Movie Network. Even the one's based on true stories! What's so frustrating about the movie is that it tries so hard to give us the impression that the two victims in it the newly wed Forrests Lindsey & Trevor, Summer Glau & Chis Carmac, are just a fun loving couple on their honeymoon cruise just looking to have a good time with each other and nothing else. In fact both of them are anything but and have as many bad traits as the "Happy Hungarians" Ben Luca & Max, Adam Tsekham Peter Katona & Sergey Russu, looking for action or young single as well as married women on board the ship!

After a night of drinking gambling and partying Trevor ends up lost with his by now drugged and boozed up wife Lindsey out cold with both her husband and memory gone! It was the "Happy Hungarians" who were partying with the Forrests who are the main suspects in Travor's disappearance! In fact it's later reviled on one the ship's security cameras that lover boy Luca, the romantic of the three "Happy Hungarians", was making out with Lindsey while her husband was out drinking and snorting coke in the ship's bar!

It's one of the ship's passengers the busty FBI woman agent Gwen Merced, Zoe McLellan, who's also looking for action, in that she's just separated from her husband, who smells a rat in all this missing person, Trevor Forrest, business going on the ship. Checking out all the facts Gwen finds out that things aren't exactly as Lindsey said that they were in Trevor being the all American boy she said he was. In fact Trevor was a party going coke head who lived off his parents money without a job or future in his father's business or anyone's else's. What even more disturbing is that the sweet and innocent as the morning snow Lindsey was not that much better!

***SPOILERS*** We do in fact get to see what happened to Trevor but it's so sloppily done that you don't know if it's for real or a drug induced hallucination on Lindsey's part. As for Lindsey herself she flies the coop, or ship, on a helicopter for first Tahiti and then New York City where she opens up a fancy clothing boutique on swanky Fifth Avenue! How in hell did Lindsey, who was dead broke, have the money to open up a business like that with out even having the cash for a down payment to do it? It's with the 3 million dollar settlement that she got from both the cruise company, in keeping what happened on the ship from becoming public, and Trevor's parents, in not exposing their son's drug and alcohol addictions, in thus having Lindsey keep her mouth shut!

This movie is like a big fart. It's stinky, it's embarrassing, but thankfully it passes pretty quickly. I estimate the budget to be one Olive Garden dinner for two, and the movie is about as good as that.

After an opening news correspondent foreshadows doom, we find handsome Chris Carmack (as Trevor Forrest) and sexy Summer Glau (as Lindsey Ross) going on a luxury honeymoon cruise. The couple does so much partying, nobody can figure out how an unfortunate tragedy occurred. Gambling, sex, and drugs are involved. Also keep an eye on three mysterious Hungarian men. Conveniently aboard ship is nicely-figured divorcée and vacationing FBI agent Zoe McLellan (as Gwen Merced), who tries to solve the case. Attractive ship security officer Erik Palladino (as Alan Sherrick) is also involved...

This "Lifetime" TV movie begins with the disclaimer: "The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or events." Producers apparently passed on the real story rights, or couldn't make a financial deal with the families involved. This story is very similar to the case of George and Jennifer Smith, who played out their tragedy on cruise ship in 2005. The story became a US TV favorite, with FOX "News" correspondent Greta Van Susteren leading the charge; she even brought her FOX crew to tour the bloody ship. This version seems plausible to a point, and Ms. Glau is convincingly cagey.

***** Deadly Honeymoon (4/25/10) Paul Shapiro ~ Summer Glau, Chris Carmack, Zoe McLellan, Erik Palladino