Nude Nuns with Big Guns

Well personally I am not a fan of the sexploitation movies, not the ones back from the day in the 60s-70s, not the ones from today. But still, being a movie enthusiast, I do try to spread out and watch a multitude of movies.

The story in "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" is about Sister Sarah who is abused by the clergy and subjected to drugs. Recovering from the drug abuse, Sister Sarah is visited by God, who gives her a sacred mission to purge all those who oppose him. Armed with God's will and some big guns, Sister Sarah sets out on a holy mission.

I will say that the story was entertaining enough, but at the same time it was so cheesy and full of plot holes that anything even resembling a coherent storyline fell through and scattered before the wind. This movie is not the type of movie you watch because it has a riveting story.

And it should be said that there is a great amount of nudity and lesbian scenes in this movie, after all it is a sexploitation movie. And there is also a lot of what could best be described as religious sacrilegious stuff (as regarding to Christianity) going on throughout the entire movie. There was something Tarantino and Rodriguez-like over this movie, but then at the same time it never really fully rose up to even reach those directors to the knees. But it was a great enough attempt to imitate their styles. Oddly enough, the movie here did pull that off well enough at its own pace and level. There was that old 70s feel to the movie, gritty and dirty.

As for the acting in the movie, well don't get your hopes up, as most of the people in the movie just put on average performances. However, it should be noted that David Castro (playing Chavo) actually did most of the lifting in the movie, carrying the movie a great way with his performance. The cast is not to blame though, as the script didn't allow the characters to be explored and fleshed out in any type of depth, making them appear as shallow characters, with only Chavo and Sister Sarah showing any kind of character development. The rest of the characters were like generic drones just standing in as fillers.

One thing that was great about the movie was the music, even though they had one particular song that was either used in a previous movie or just a blatant almost note by note copy of that particular song. I just can't remember where I heard it before, though I am partial to say either "Planet Terror" or "Machete". It was something from either a Tarantino or Rodriguez movie, of that I am almost certain.

As a plus, this movie had the most hilarious choking scene I have seen so far in a movie (where Sister Sarah is choking someone with rosary beads).

I am pretty sure that if you are fan of this particular genre of movies, sexploitation, then you might find "Nude Nuns with Big Guns" to be an interesting movie. Personally, I didn't find this movie to be overly interesting, as I am not a fan of this particular genre, but I stuck with it and watched it through to the end.

I actually got kinda p!$$ed at all the negative reviews this movie had. IT Ain't THAT BAD PEOPLE!! it is actually a pretty decent watch without being fancy in any way, taking a big step away from the norm and making a whole lot out of a pretty small budget.

most of those leaving negative votes and reviews are probably falling into one of two categories: 1) those who can't enjoy a film unless the budget matches Titanic and the entire film need to smell like Hollywood 2) those who actually can't read since the title pretty much says it all

this film IS about nuns and the use of big guns, even says so in the title, and it's pretty violent and if you DO love violence, WATCH IT! I'm not gonna pretend it's the best film ever made, not even close! but it sure as hell ain't bad, and probably are better than 80% of all standard Hollywood productions, and it's worth lots more than under 4 on the IMDb-rating

Full of enough eye candy to make any adolescent boy's (or girl's) sex drive go full throttle, the film finds a drug cartel run by a sinister church who see fit to reducing their ordained sisterhood to nothing more than a nudist colony of cheap labor chemists. As the story opens we are introduced to some of the main players in a dope exchange gone horribly wrong. The lone (innocent) survivor is our heroine, Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega), who is subsequently thrown into forced prostitution by the bikers and drugged out of her mind as she "services" the customers.

As fate would have it, however, a kind-hearted doctor (I use that term loosely) named Mr. Foo (Maxie J. Santillan Jr.) releases Sarah from her bondage and flushes out all the drugs from her system. Upon awakening, Sister Sarah reveals that she has received the "word of God" which has entrusted her with dishing out some divine justice on those who did her wrong. Foo then proceeds to arm are with a pair of silver pistols to help her on her mission only to have Sarah put a bullet through his noggin (not cool, man). Thus begins our heroine's journey of hate-fueled revenge served cold and hard with the most translucent metaphor for phallic aggression a lesbian nun can holster.

Though short lived, Mr. Foo is a pretty cool character- equal parts Yoda and Tommy Chong, Foo exudes a hipster charm that helps balance the darker elements of the story. Unfortunately, what follows after his demise is bleak mess of boobs and talking (plus more boobs), with very little scenes of heavenly justice doled out and nowhere did I ever really see any "big guns" (with great exception to scary ass Xango Henry as Kickstand, a Dulé Hill (Psych) look-a-like). When the biggest threat of a film is a black man's genitals as he violates elderly nuns, there's not much else that needs to be said.

In the end, as much as I wanted to like a film with a name as cool as Nude Nuns with Guns it simply didn't push any one boundary far enough. In fact, I couldn't help but think that this was really lost footage from Machete, given the overall borderland motif and bad-ass, Mexican bikers. It even goes so far as to riff on Rodriguez's Planet Terror theme from the Rodriguez/Tarantino Grindhouse double feature. Yes, there are nuns and they're (generally) nude. Yes, there's softcore rape and bullets to the head. However, a lack of any real action will likely see you walking away limp from this peep show long before the credits ever role.

The Mexican cartel have stooped to a new low. They are now resorting to kidnapping people and forcing them into b grade soft porn flicks.

Please give generously to stop this form of human trafficking.

On the lighter side of things, it is a difficult movie to watch. At least everyone had a turn at speaking some lines which would be a plus for any actor. The downside would be the level of flesh you would have to reveal in order to get those lines. You'd be working pretty hard to keep your clothes on in this flick. Sympathy goes out to the pizza boy who had the unfortunate luck to make a delivery to the set and forced to work as evil Hench men number 6 for the extra tip.

The title is unfortunately way funnier than the movie itself. I guess this also works as a trailer, but not as a whole. Acting and general "execution" (pun intended) are not up with the high concept idea of the movie. The main actress is anything but convincing, the villain on the other hand shows that he had the time of his life (actually some of his quote are really good, but I don't know who to credit for them: screenwriter or the actor himself).

All in all a rather weak "nunsploitation" movie (I think that's the correct term/genre), but then again it is in good company I guess. And as I stated above, some of the quotes are really funny, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.