- [on the iCarly webcast]
- Sam Puckett: I'm Sam.
- Carly Shay: Carly here.
- Sam Puckett: And you're watching iCarly.
- Carly Shay: The only show on the web that makes you laugh, and prevents heart disease.
- Sam Puckett: So kick back with a pound of bacon and enjoy the show.
- [Sam is an emotional wreck after a bad day at work]
- Sam Puckett: [crying] I don't like working! I don't know how people do it. It's horrible! Th-they don't let you sleep, or watch TV, or go online, and they expect you to be nice to all the customers! And I'm not even allowed to eat the chili. Do you know what it's like to be me, surrounded by giant pots of chili and not allowed to eat it?
- [wails]
- Carly Shay: I can't stand to see you like this. You have to quit.
- Sam Puckett: No, I can't. I promised myself I wouldn't quit until I paid back every penny I owed you and Freddie. I had to clean...
- [gulp]
- Sam Puckett: urinals! Boys are so gross!
- Spencer Shay: [Spencer rides up to the 2 girls who sabotaged his previous attempts to help Emily sell fudge balls] Hi, I just wanted you girls to know that 'I won the bike.' And because I am a grown-up; I forgive you, for behaving so rudely to me. Take care.
- [Rides away, then comes back a moment later to taunt the girls in a childish manner]
- Spencer Shay: On the other hand, check out how cool this bike is! Oh, I won this fancy new bike and you didn't! How do you jerks like me now? Oh, I'm out of control!
- [spills the girls' fudge ball table over]
- Spencer Shay: Oh jeez, I'm sorry! Ohhhhh!
- [rides away again]
- [a skiddish little Sunshine Girl selling fudge balls has run away from Spencer, despite the presence of her mother]
- Spencer Shay: I could help her sell them.
- Kathy Millford: Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
- Spencer Shay: Oh, come one. My little sister Carly was a Sunshine Girl, I used to help her sell fudge balls all the time.
- Kathy Millford: And you're sure you want to help Emily?
- Spencer Shay: How tall is your husband?
- Kathy Millford: I'm single.
- Spencer Shay: I *really* want to help Emily.
- [a little Sunshine Girl appears at the door of the Shay loft]
- Spencer Shay: Well, hello there.
- [Spencer notices the girl's very attractive mother]
- Spencer Shay: And hello there.