The Graves

I truly wish that I had had the foresight to read a review before watching this film. Tony Todd's presence couldn't even get more than a 1/10 from me. I watched this film 2 years ago and still remember the title of it only so I can use it as a cautionary tale to friends. I have watched my fair share of films, and a decent amount of them were poorly written and acted. However, this film takes the cake as being so terrible that not even the poor quality of it can produce a laugh. I feel like the people who spawned this film had to say something to the effect of "Hey everyone, let's take two semi-attractive women with no acting experience and give them a garbage script, Tony Todd, a camera we no longer use and all of the pocket change we have on us right now, and see if we can't turn a profit."

If this film actually somehow did turn a profit, I think it was somewhere in the range of 4 McDoubles-20 Chicken McNuggets. If it made more of a profit than that, I'm going to be shooting films all weekend. I think a movie of me making wookie noises at a cut out poster of Liam Neeson will sell better than this piece of trash. I'll call it Nell.

This actually appeared on SyFy Channel. I am going to assume they only muted out the few words that I didn't hear and that was pretty much it. So I won't blame the channel for a poor edit. Pretty lame movie at the start quickly introducing us to two hot sisters who are supposed to be into comic books. Then we see them in the punk goth club for one last night out before they take a road trip heading towards more boredom than anything else.

The plot "borrows" from many older movies where young adults breakdown, visit, and otherwise go where angels fear to tread. This is as old as the traveling salesman jokes. Tony Todd makes a few appearances in this movie, but he is not portraying anything scary as he has in his other movies. His character is more like a clown than a monster. I can only imagine his need for money and hope that no one actually watched this movie was his reason for taking the role.

You can't feel anything for the characters since they never really develop during the movie. There is no sense of suspense, no horror, no chills, or thrills. In fact, one scene between actress Clare Grant and Bill Moseley in a school house has no impact on the movie as it really should. I wasn't quaking in fear that anyone was in danger. It felt more like a practical joke, as if Jillian Murray should have walked in and said, "Are you scared? Well you shouldn't be, because you're on Scare Tactics!".

Wow……and to think that all of the movies in the After Dark Horror-fest would be somewhat, oh I don't know…enjoyable? Because of what I had to deal with this first film, The Graves,……well, it wasn't pretty.

The Graves, a miserable little turd fest of a film, is about two girls, Meghan and Abby, going on a last trip together before Meghan leaves for New York. They go to comic book stores (which, I'm sorry, these girls look like they've never set foot in a comic shop in their lives) and talk about how Lady Death is the most awesome comic book ever…….really? (And don't worry, this is only one of the many faults of this movie.) They then stop in a diner (which is so far out of the way that the first girl to die in the original Nightmare on Elm Street is stuck waiting there), and they're lead to Skull Mine, which is said to be a ghost town after some brutal murders took place there. And then, guess what? Everything goes to hell……what a shock….

My first point is Brian Pulido. I should just stop there, but I'll guess I'll keep going. If you don't know who he is, he is one of the WORST comic book writers from the 1990s and the 2000s. He's responsible for writing such terrible comic books such as Lady Death (which I referred to before) and Evil Ernie. So when I heard he wrote, directed, and produced this piece of utter crap, I already knew it was going to be terrible. He doesn't have a clue what he's doing and he should stop thinking he can do anything creative.

And some of the acting in here is atrocious. You have your two female protagonists who can't act their way out of a wet paper bag. I mean, they have scenes where they are just SO melodramatic in scenes where they're in total danger! Also, you have Tony Todd……..really? Tony, why did you chose this? Did your wife need a new car? Did your daughter need more money to get into the collage she wanted? I mean, you were the candy man! Your cartoon-styled acting in this is so bad, that I almost broke down and cried.

Now, if there is anything redeemable about this film, it's that Bill Mosely (yep, Devils Rejects Bill Mosely) plays a guy called the "Pig Man", who is just a guy who puts on a fake pig nose and likes to kill people. I have to say that whenever he was on screen, a shimmer of light helped me get through this film.

But, all in all, there is almost (almost!) nothing to like about this film. It's not scary, it's not funny, it's not dramatic, It's not anything! And if it weren't for Bill Mosely, I would give this film a flat out zero.

The two main actresses look really good in this. And one of them reminded me of Olivia Wilde somehow (although I can't say why). Other than that, you also have two "horror" heavyweights in the cast. But it also feels like quite a few characters got crammed into this. Technically done very solid, but the story might have needed a few tweaks here and there to work out better.

The usual "Duh" moments are not absent, quite the contrary and of course, although pretty feisty and not always in the "victim" role, our lead women do quite a few "stupid" things. Things that go against common sense that is.

What you should check out though, is the DVD of the movie. I only heard the first couple of minutes, but the commentaries on the Disc seem genuinely entertaining! Rent it and give it a listen (the thing they say about the baby is worth the rent money alone). Not great by long shot, but still far from the worst movies I've seen.

The more cheap modern horror I watch, the more I start to realize how badly the genre needs to redefine itself once again, since it simply just isn't working anymore. Really, people seem to have no idea what good and creative to come up with anymore, with as an ultimate low example of that this movie.

But no, it's not just simply the lack of creativity or originally that kills this movie, it foremost is it's extremely weak approach to the genre. It's incredibly disturbing how terribly ineffective this movie is made. The movie absolutely does not manage to build up any tension or create ever a good feeling of danger. Things just happen in this movie, without any proper and required build up to it. As an horror there are absolutely no redeeming qualities about this movie. Even the bloody violence mostly happens off screen, or it's too dark to see really anything. Director Brian Pulido should just stop and realize that he doesn't has the right required talent and knowledge required, for this genre at least.

It's also especially ridicules how this movie is lacking in any good scary or powerful villainous murderers. Seriously, there is no way you could convince me that they were anyone that couldn't have been fought of with a piece of rock or a piece of wood or metal, that were literally all laying around everywhere. There is absolutely nothing threatening about the villains in this movie, which quite frankly also makes this a bore to watch.

And man, why throw in a supernatural theme as well, that just isn't in tone with any of the rest of the movie. It's just so totally random but on top of that, it also adds absolutely nothing to this movie. This movie was already extremely bad as a straight-forward slasher but they actually managed to make things worse by throwing in the supernatural elements. Well done! What an accomplishment...

It also doesn't help much that the two leading ladies of this movie aren't that compelling either. They are not well written but also really not played well by Clare Grant and Jillian Murray. Their fear of things just never comes across as convincing. Some of their actions are also just incredibly stupid, though the script is of course to blame for that really.

A great lesson on how NOT to make an horror movie.

2/10

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