The Bleeding

I will start this by saying I like Vinnie Jones. I also like Armand Assante. But I cannot for the life of me find one shred of anything to like in this movie. If I can call it that. It tries really hard to be Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino a la Planet Terror/Death Race, but fails. Like "F in Art" fails. The only movie (series) I kept thinking of the entire time through was the series Mental Maniacs. For anyone who has suffered through that waste of film, you will know what I'm talking about. And I have to say, I have yet refer to any movie in that capacity. That is how bad this film is. Please save yourself the brain cells, life-minutes and skip this movie. Oh, and for the person who referred to the lead as a Wal-Mart Vin Diesel, you are so dead on.

When you look at the cast for "The Bleeding", aside from star Michael Matthias, this looks like a dream cast for people that watch direct to DVD garbage. Vinnie Jones! Rapper DMX! Michael Madsen! Armand Assante! Tony Schiena (here billed as "Johnny the Perv")! UFC host Rachael Leah! Reality star Kat Von D! It looks too good to be true, like the ultimate DVD movie cast. Well, it was actually released exclusively in New York as far as theatrical releases are concerned, so it's almost a straight to DVD movie. It's also bad-and I mean painfully so.

Shawn Black (Matthias, who also serves as a producer-this is essentially a vanity piece for the him) has returned from Afghanistan, with his parents murdered, and his brother dead in battle. Well, it turns out his brother is now a vampire named Cain (Jones), and that he is "the slayer", or a man who must vanquish such evil from the world. Aided by a rather gun happy, unorthodox priest (Madsen), Black must go to an abandoned factory turned nightclub, where Cain and his vampire brethren are hiding.

A pastiche picture mixing "Blade", "From Dusk 'till Dawn", "The Fast and the Furious", "Boondock Saints" as well as other obnoxious Tarantino knock-offs and at one point, a pinch of "Hostel", "The Bleeding" is symbolic of everything wrong with action/horror hybrids today. The editing is all over the place, the action scenes aren't all that exciting, the score is a strictly pro-tools affair, the direction is lacking, and you really don't care about anything that happens. In a lot of ways, this is also reminiscent of a lot of bad direct to DVD action movies, but this one takes it to different levels. The whole thing is lazy, and clearly made to be a breakout vehicle for poor man's Vin Diesel star Matthias. I mean sure, the gore and make-up effects are good, and there's boobs, but it isn't anything you haven't seen already.

To make things worse, nobody here really seems to give a damn. Several of the stars-Assante, DMX and Kat Von D-are merely given tiny roles and cameo appearances, with DMX only being there to provide crucial plot information and get killed off, Von D to get some blood on her after biting a girl's neck, and Assante being a poor man's version of an old western movie standard (he even calls the movie "a futuristic western" in an interview that serves as a special feature.)

The rest of the cast doesn't even seem to be trying for the most part. DMX is clearly just there for the paycheck, while even Matthias and the narration he provides seems to be screaming "get me out of here." Only Madsen and Jones seem to be trying, and even they can't do anything worth a damn due to the script-Jones in particular is given a goofy looking wig and bad American accent. The movie can't even work on an unintentional comedy level. One liners meant to be cleaver are just awkward, and even the site of Vinnie Jones in a bad 70's exploitation hair style can't register.

"The Bleeding" is just bad, and even not on a camp level. It's just painfully bad, and the kind of thing that usually get's dumped to DVD and forgotten and is not given a weekend long theatrical run. Avoid like a vampire shown a crucifix.

This film was a new and interesting experience for me. I've never before in 33 years of living had the overwhelming urge to rip my eyes out of their sockets while microwaving my head until now, thanks for that. I've tried and tried to think of one positive aspect about this film and the only thing that I keep coming back to is... it ended. The acting was god awful, the plot was gibberish and the effects look like a two year old had been put in charge. Some of the actors in this have been in many good films but I have no idea what they were thinking getting involved with this one. Madsen, Jones and Assante have all had some great roles but every time Vinnie made an appearance in this one I just wanted to laugh. About as scary and intimidating as a bit of tissue stuck to your shoe. Avoid this film as if it was made from anthrax clothed in a 3-piece suit of the plague, on fire, carrying a machine gun that shot bullets made from herpes.

To start this off let me just say the only reason I registered myself on IMDb was so that I could warn you in advance to not see this movie. I am all for bringing back the blood and guts that use to be what vampires are about but I would sit through Twilight a dozen times before I watched this movie again. Why can't I erase these memories from my brain!?

So how else can I convince you to not watch this movie? Don't even torrent it. That will just waste memory on your computer. If you have ever seen a B-Movie then you still haven't seen acting worse then this. Have any of you seen "Sharktopus"? Give those guys the Oscar because their talents as actors blow the cast of "The Bleeding" out of the water. I would start comparing the cast of "The Bleeding" to some not so reputable adult films but I would rather not lose my membership here so I will just leave it at that.

Now, I never write reviews or complaint letters to anyone. I'm an observer. However, I can't possibly let this one go without comment.

The short synopsis and cast list I read before watching ticked all the boxes for an enjoyable movie for me, so I sat down eagerly to watch it. How wrong could I have been? It is by far the very worst thing I have ever witnessed on screen as far as I can recall. It has not one single redeeming feature. Not even Vinnie Jones, or Michael Madson. They are hardly Hollywood's greatest actors, I know, but they do have some credibility and have been in some great movies - Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, Snatch, Lock Stock..

The concept is fairly sound, if not a little cheesy. The execution, however, is profoundly dismal. The 'story', as it is, is so badly written and portrayed that I actually laughed out loud at the inept stumbling from one scene to another. The acting is some of the very worst to reach the screen and would shame even my five year old god-daughter at her nativity, especially the Vin Diesel wannabe lead character. The direction seems almost absent, as though the film makers just left the actors to it! The script, if there actually was one, is so very, very poorly written and delivered that it may actually make more sense to watch with the sound on mute.

I could go on, and feel the urge to do so. but I'll wrap it up. I spent good, hard-earned money on this movie and feel so very let down. I doubt most film makers could come up with anything as bad as this if they actually tried to make the worst movie ever. There must be some very embarrassed people who agreed to work on this film without knowing how it would finally turn out. Seriously, don't waste your time or money.