Text

...and that is about it. If there was one more blurry edge or pan shot or zoom or superimposed shot in this movie I was going to kill myself. Plus, what was it about? I still don't know. If you can watch this movie and understand the plot, you are a better man than I. The one exciting moment was when I realized that it had the little girl from Forrest Gump. There were so many fade transitions that I wanted to fall asleep, not scream. Then there were five minutes of skateboarding for no reason whatsoever. Nonsense shots, nonsense shots, nonsense shots. Even the death scenes are boring, which is actually an accomplishment--because seriously, how hard is it to make gory deaths interesting? If I could, I would give this movie negative stars. I would give it black holes.

And you won't care either. This is like a self-published book: it's free on Amazon and you shouldn't waste your time. No camp...no fun...and I'm pretty sure they got their money from a Mormon.

This movie was made in that gap between the death of home video and ascent of movie streaming. It was when Blockbuster, Netflix, and Red Box all existed and were all selling unknown commodities in packages that didn't allow you to preview anything.

It was when a digital video company could get away with some vaguely suggestive cover art selling a phoned-in movie. It should be a texted-in movie, but the movie wasn't even about texting.

That's the big plot point. It's not even a spoiler, because there's nothing to spoil. This thing was already rotten.