- [from trailer]
- Steve-O: Concussions aren't great, but as long as you have them before you're 50, it's cool, and Knoxville is 49, so we're good.
- Steve-O: I just googled the world's hardest punch ever recorded. Francis' punch is the equivalent of being hit by a Ford Escort at top speed.
- Francis Ngannou: Wait, you don't need to read that now.
- Johnny Knoxville: You still got those million dollar teeth that's for sure.
- [Steve-O removes his mouth guard to reveal missing teeth]
- Steve-O: You might be younger, taller, better looking, richer, more talented... but motherfucker I can ride!
- Tyler the Creator: What the fuck is that? I'm not fucking stupid!
- [finding the buzzer underneath his seat]
- Chris Pontius: Preston should've pooped before he came to work today. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.
- Eric André: It ain't a bunch of NASA scientists over here, you know what I mean? This ain't a MENSA convention.
- Chris Pontius: And if you're wondering if the curtains match the drapes, let me tell you, I tore those drapes out a long time ago.
- Jules Sylvester: This is a Texas rat snake.
- Johnny Knoxville: Are they venomous?
- Jules Sylvester: ...Eh
- Jeff Tremaine: Zackass! He's a real wild crazy guy! He's the gnarly superstar! Zackass!
- Chris Pontius: There ain't a thing he wouldn't do! He'd jump in cacti for you!
- Johnny Knoxville: He's about to have 5 gallons of pig cum dumped on him.
- Tyler the Creator: Damn, that sounds like me in London.
- Compston Wilson: I'ma fuck you up man you suppose to be having my back.
- Davon Wilson: I got you a job!
- Johnny Knoxville: Almost twenty years ago today, we filmed the original cup test... and now twenty years later we're still doing the same stupid shit.
- Johnny Knoxville: Hello I am Johnny the Magnificent. Today I'm going to wow you with my supreme skills of prestidigitation.
- Ehren McGhehey: [from trailer] I'm trapped!
- [Johnny pours honey all over his hair]
- Ehren McGhehey: And you're putting *honey* on me!
- [Johnny then pours chunks of salmon on the chair near his balls]
- Ehren McGhehey: And *salmon*?
- [the door opens and a bear roars as it comes in]
- Ehren McGhehey: Oh, my God!
- Steve-O: You know the sad reality is that not every bit works. In this case, Zach's asshole is just too tight.
- Zach Holmes: Maybe next year.
- Steve-O: Concussions aren't great, but as long as you have them before you're 50, it's cool, and Knoxville is 49, so we're good.
- Jeff Tremaine: If they do trust us to go the bathroom today, they're pretty... they're pretty less intelligent than I thought.
- Johnny Knoxville: I was supposed to pour the milk in the hat and then put the hat back on and no milk would come out. Did milk come out?
- Lance Bangs: There was some milk on the ground.
- Johnny Knoxville: Ohoho shit.
- Chris Pontius: It's been a while since I ate the horse semen, but I think I prefer the pig. Bacon's better than horse meat right?
- Johnny Knoxville: How is Raab not in this?
- Chris Raab: I'm the smart one I already know what's gonna happen.
- Ehren McGhehey: There's a door, I just opened it, I swear to god!
- Dave England: Oh wow, how conveniant.
- Chris Pontius: Milk milk lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made. Stick your finger up that hole. Now you've got a Tootsie Roll!
- Johnny Knoxville: Does it smell like pig semen? Does it smell?
- Chris Pontius: Why are you looking at me like that?
- Zach Holmes: We're not doing that again.
- Sean McInerney: This guy's one badass dude right here.
- Zach Holmes: I love you, dude.
- Sean McInerney: That was sick. You showed *us* how to surf!
- Ehren McGhehey: You just got cummed on dude!
- Johnny Knoxville: That's pig cum!
- Dave England: What is it?
- Johnny Knoxville: Pig cum!
- Ehren McGhehey: Pig! Cum!
- Dave England: That's pig cum?
- Ehren McGhehey: That's pig cum!
- Johnny Knoxville: 5 gallons!
- Dave England: I'm a vegetarian!
- Preston Lacy: I should not have eaten Indian and Cuban food in the same day.
- Lance Bangs: No! No! No! No!
- [Pukes]
- Chris Pontius: If you think we're wearing underwear under these tunics... you're sadly mistaken, my friend.
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: We got the Whambulance coming for ya if you don't get to this next bit.
- Ehren McGhehey: I will tell you right now if the jokes continue I will stand up and walk away.
- Johnny Knoxville: He's gonna take his nuts and go home.