Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent

What a god awful waste of time and television broadcasting bandwidth. This movie is an IQ test . . . if you watch, you fail. I thought nothing could be worse than Bone Eater... I was wrong. Nothing could possibly be worse than Mutants... I stand corrected. There were so many things wrong with this movie, not the least of which was the acting, there's just everywhere to start, and nowhere to finish. I've seen more realistic responses from a corpse than those generated by the rejects performing in this piece of trash. Why would anyone in the movie-making business let their name be associated with this thing? Anyway, do yourself a favor, sidle up to a piece of metal and watch rust develop... you'll be far happier.

As a child, Alan Cade steals a wooden voodoo box containing a magical pen that has the power to make whatever is drawn with it become a reality; years later, when a monster truck accidentally runs down his wife Becky, Alan uses the pen to summon a monster to seek revenge on the occupants of the vehicle, five friends partying at a nearby cabin.

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (AKA Carnivorous) is a derivative straight-to-DVD piece of garbage that rips off its basic revenge plot from enjoyable straight-to-video 80s horror Pumpkinhead. But where Pumpkinhead proved to be a fun creature-feature thanks to solid direction from FX legend Stan Winston, a very cool monster (also by Winston), and a decent performance from seasoned pro Lance Henrickson, Carnivorous simply elicits boredom and unintentional laughter in equal measures with its uninspired script, inexperienced cast, and truly crappy beast—an over-sized, poorly rendered CGI snake with an alligator's head.

Opening with an embarrassingly naff credits sequence, complete with cheesy lightning effects and statues with glowing red eyes, Carnivorous does not bode well from the outset, and matters only get worse from thereon in: director Amir Valinia sets up the film's back-story in an awful prologue that displays a complete lack of talent from its child actors (while also showcasing a neat array of dollar store Halloween props), before cutting to the present day, where he introduces viewers to his equally untalented adult cast, a bunch of total unknowns who are likely to remain that way if this is the kind of bilge they choose to appear in.

After some predictably dumb drunken shenanigans at the cabin, during which sexist jerk Kurt (Caleb Michaelson) gets a lap-dance from drunken big-breasted slapper Ashley (Victoria Vodar), Kurt's nice-girl girlfriend Sam (Lauren Fain) seeks comfort in the arms of good-guy Kelly (Wes Brown), and Ashley has sex with her boyfriend (but annoyingly keeps her bra on the whole time), the creature finally moves in for the kill. Several unimpressive death scenes later, ex-rapper DMX turns up with a rocket launcher and blows the 'snakigator' to kingdom come, finally putting an end to our suffering.

Another CGI monstrosity taking the form of a dodgy monster movie. These films tend to be interchangeable from one another and that's the case in point here, it's the kind of film you'll forget you watched just hours after viewing because it brings absolutely nothing new to the table.

Instead, the viewer is saddled with rotten characters, an awful script and of course the requisite CGI gore effects which have to be seen to be believed. The story involves some half-baked voodoo theme in which a grieving husband decides to get revenge on some pesky teenagers by summoning a 'Kulev serpent' to get revenge. Said serpent has the body of a giant snake and the head of an alligator and looks like something out of an old Playstation game circa 1998.

If that wasn't bad enough, the characters in the film are even more annoying than usual, with characterisation reduced down to the level of a comic book. One supposedly intelligent character has glasses, that's how carefully the characters have been created. Inevitably the cast is full of unknowns - I should think so, given the horrible acting on offer - aside from the down-on-his-luck DMX, playing some kind of big game hunter living out in the wilderness. Another movie to stay away from.

well nobody will ever read this review, but WOW worst movie ever! This film might be studied by archaeologists in the far distant future. It would serve humanity right for it even being possible to finance this "film."

The most vapid bunch of frat boys and their bowhead cohorts I have ever seen disgrace celluloid. You can feel the stupidity bubbling from the swamp it is set in up through the "actors" and right on up to (hopefully) the ruined careers of the director and producer.

The subplot involves a man whose wife is killed in a hit and run accident by the idiot cast. He finds them to exact revenge, but 10 minutes later one of the sorority girls is yelling at him because he is bumming her out by not being overly concerned about his wife's killers being bumped off one by one.

Everyone involved in this travesty really needs a giant snake to eat them to make sure they can never again waste the money that a film student with any talent at all could have used better

In the countryside, the boy Alan and his friend Becky steal a creepy wooden box with a powerful voodoo stick inside from his voodooistic neighbor. When the boy draws with the stick, his drunken father is attacked by a snake and vanishes. Years later, Alan (Louis Herthum) and Becky (Lisa Arnold) are married to each other; while planting some flowers to celebrate the death of Alan's mother, Becky finds the box buried in the garden and she keeps the stick in her pocket. Meanwhile, five shithead friends are traveling in the monster truck drinking beer. The driver accidentally runs over Becky, but believes he had hit an animal. When Alan witnesses the hit-and-run and sees his wife dead, he uses the stick seeking revenge against the youngsters. Later Alan regrets the use of the Kulev stick to bring Lockjaw to seek revenge and decides to help the teenagers to kill the serpent.

The lame "Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent" is a terrible movie, with a story that is a rip-off of the storyline of "Pumpkinhead" (a redneck that seeks revenge after the death of his wife (instead of son) by reckless teenagers from the big city) with a snake that recalls "Anaconda" with "Aligator" head. Most of the lines are laughable and near ridiculous and the CGI effects are very poor. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): "Magia Negra" ("Black Magic")