- Luau Waitress: Kona coffee ice cream.
- Skeeter Bronson: Yeah? What's the catch? You're gonna light it on fire? 'Cause I'm on to you, honey.
- Luau Waitress: No fire. It would melt. Just take the ice cream and a chill pill.
- Mickey: Look's like Bugsy's eaten a lot of burgers in the last ten minutes.
- Skeeter Bronson: Wow!
- Mickey: He keeps going like that, we could make bacon out of Bugsy.
- [Bugsy looks at them]
- Skeeter Bronson: He's kidding, Bugsy. Take it easy.
- Skeeter Bronson: Okay, I'll do it. But you gotta say ''Skeeter's the coolest, I'm the nerd''.
- Wendy: "Skeeter's the coolest, I'm the nerd"?
- Skeeter Bronson: Yeah you are!
- Skeeter Bronson: What's on my head?
- Patrick: Bugsy.
- Skeeter Bronson: Why do you call him Bugsy?
- Patrick: Because of his eyes.
- Skeeter Bronson: Well let's see his eyes.
- [sees Bugsy's huge eyes and screams]
- Skeeter Bronson: Wow! Those eyes would be big on a cow!
- Violet Nottingham: You, truth or dare?
- Patrick: Truth.
- Violet Nottingham: How old were you the first time you kissed a girl?
- Bobbi: Patrick never kissed a girl.
- Patrick: Girls are ick, except for Tricia Sparks.
- Violet Nottingham: Ohh, this Tricia Sparks, is she a girl in your class?
- Bobbi: Aunt Jill, did you get our message?
- Jill: Yes I did, and now it is time for you to get ready for school. Oh my gosh you are...
- Violet Nottingham: Yes, and here is you fat rat. And you, I expect to hear all about this Tricia Sparks next time I see you.
- Jill: Tricia Sparks is two years older than you.
- Patrick: She's hot.
- Mickey: [after Skeeter has just thrown ketchup at him] you know what? Ketchup is GOOD for you! It exfoliates the skin, so who's the real victim here? YOU ARE!
- Skeeter Bronson: His name was Mr. Underappreciated.
- Patrick: What is underdemeciated?
- Skeeter Bronson: What?
- Patrick: Underdemeciated?
- Skeeter Bronson: That's right, I forgot, you're 6, well his name was Sir Fix-a-lot.
- Skeeter Bronson: [to his sister] I don't know anything about plants except that *you* make cakes out of them!
- Skeeter Bronson: [as cowboy speaking to chief] Mind showing me your finest horse?
- Chief Running Mouth: [Turns suddenly to Skeeter as Native American music plays] My ancestors believed horse spirit come down from mountain, during time of fire, wind. Many brave warrior walk trail of moon bear...
- Skeeter Bronson: Yeah I just wanna see the horse; I don't need all this.
- Skeeter Bronson: [looking over the kids' storybooks] What do ya got here, anyways? "Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands"? Uh, no. "The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet"? I'm not reading these Communist books to you guys! Don't you got any *real* stories?
- Skeeter Bronson: You mind sleeping over? I'm gonna duck out a few hours.
- Mickey: Oh, yeah, yeah. Mmm. By the way, um... I am, uh, legally obliged to tell you that I suffer from... sleep panic disorder.
- Skeeter Bronson: OK, what's, uh, sleep panic disorder?
- Mickey: Believe me, you don't want to know.
- Tricia Sparks: Uh, Patrick, hi. I'm Trisha Sparks. I just wanted you to know that... thanks for saving the school.
- Skeeter Bronson: Western. Go western!
- Patrick: No thanks necessary, ma'am.
- Skeeter Bronson: That's my boy. That's my boy.
- Tricia Sparks: There must be some way for me to show my appreciation.
- Skeeter Bronson: Oh-ho-ho! Get it.
- [Trisha kisses Patrick]
- Skeeter Bronson: Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Jill: I had to park all the way down the block.
- Skeeter Bronson: Oh well. Next time why don't you park in that box
- [Points to Jill's large gift]
- Skeeter Bronson: Plenty o' room in there.
- Skeeter Bronson: I don't know but it's been said, Bugsy's eyes pop out of his head, march, march, march.
- Wendy: Don't talk to them about school.
- Skeeter Bronson: Why not?
- Wendy: They're closing it down. I'm getting laid off.
- Skeeter Bronson: No way! You? But you're like the classic school principle! I mean you're scary and bad with people...
- Little Boy: What's in that bag?
- Skeeter Bronson: Chocolate Chip Cookie.
- Little Boy: [Grabs the bag] FOOD!
- [Runs off with kids following him]
- Skeeter Bronson: Good thing my wallet only had three dollars in it. And my Derek Jeter baseball card!
- Patrick: [eating hamburgers for the first time] Mom's going to kill us.
- Skeeter Bronson: No she's not, two reasons, one she's not going to find out, two, when your mom was little she ate hamburgers all the time in this room.
- Patrick and Bobbi: She did?
- Skeeter Bronson: Yep.
- Skeeter Bronson: So Sir Fix-a-lot moved into a giant shoe
- [shows Sir Fix-a-lot living in a giant Chuck Taylor shoe]
- Skeeter Bronson: developed a case of athlete's face, threw himself in the moat and fed himself to the crocodiles.
- [as Sir Fix-a-lot, grumbling]
- Skeeter Bronson: Oh what the heck?
- [jumps in]
- Skeeter Bronson: The end.
- Barry Nottingham: Do you realize germs can reproduce 80 percent faster in bright light?
- Skeeter Bronson: Oh, OK. Here we go, nice and dark again.
- [Skeeter turns the lights off]
- Skeeter Bronson: The germs are confused.
- Skeeter Bronson: Happy birthday, Bobbi!
- [Hands her bags]
- Skeeter Bronson: Picked this up at the hotel.
- [leaves]
- Bobbi: [pulling items out of the bag] Shampoo? Soap?
- Patrick: [pulling items out of the bag] A hanger and a towel?
- Skeeter Bronson: Happy birthday there, Bobbi.
- Patrick: I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.
- Skeeter Bronson: Oh, my bad. Got you a little something. Happy birthday, Bobbi. Here you go. Picked it up at the hotel.