Tyrannosaurus Azteca

I was prepared to hate AZTEC REX. Stupid title, stupid plot, completely unbelievable. Charitably called a B-movie, this is one of the many schlocky pictures released via the Sci-Fi Channel in America. Others have been absolutely god-awful, so why shouldn't this one be? From the beginning, things don't look good. The T-Rex is inevitably brought to life with some pretty diabolical CGI effects that make the BBC's WALKING WITH DINOSAURS look like an authentic nature documentary. The acting is wooden – there's no point trying to deny it. When the highlight is an ex-NEIGHBOURS actress wandering around in a bikini for the film's duration, you know you're in trouble. With a bunch of ex-TV actors and actresses attempting to convincingly portray Aztec warriors and Spanish Conquistadors, there's not really much hope, even from the start. The low budget and cheap look dooms this one from the outset.

But – wait a second. This film has something that most B-grade flicks don't: it has a sense of humour. And hey, it's actually quite entertaining to watch, albeit in a so-bad-it's-good way. Sure, it's a cheesy combination of at least three movies: JURASSIC PARK, APOCALYPTO and KING KONG, but somehow, the combination works. Instead of making us wait an age for the monster to appear, as in the old monster flicks, this one introduces us to the T-Rex from the start as he chews a guy's leg off. That's something else: the surprisingly graphic blood 'n' guts effects. They come thick and plentiful, with actors losing limbs, intestines and spraying arterial blood across the screen. The thing about the gore is that it isn't repulsive as in something like HOSTEL. Instead, it's colourful and amusing and left me looking forward to the next poorly animated death.

In the end, AZTEC REX is a success. I loved it, a lot more than many A-list Hollywood blockbusters. I was enthralled, I had a laugh, I had a really good time. And I can rest the success of this delightful movie on one man's shoulders alone: director Brian Trenchard-Smith. This man has been making B-movies for over thirty years and shows no signs of slowing down. He was responsible for TURKEY SHOOT, one of my all time favourite 'nasties', as well as the fun crime flick DAY OF THE ASSASSIN. Trenchard-Smith knows his genre inside out and I think he's a man who you can guarantee will give you a fun time. Leave your expectations at the door and give AZTEC REX a chance!

I'll bet none of you knew that the famous Conquistador Hernando Cortes made a preliminary scouting expedition to Mexico before taking on the Aztecs. Good thing he did because he would never have known about those T Rexs that inhabited one particular valley where the locals revered them as gods.

That was understandable. What wasn't was the casting of blue eyed Ian Ziering as Cortes. Even with the blond hair made famous in Beverly Hills 90210 dyed black, Ian looked positively ridiculous. At least he made no attempt at a Spanish accent.

The real hero of Tyrannosaurus Azteca is Marco Sanchez also late of a television series with a semi-recurring role in Walker Texas Ranger as Detective Sandoval of the Dallas PD. He finds true love with an Aztec princess and life would be just perfect if it wasn't for those pesky prehistoric beasts the natives worship.

Tyrannosaurus Azteca looks like they used some outtakes from the famous Sid&Marty Krofft series the Land of the Lost. All that was needed was some Sleestak to appear.

If you're interested in finding out about this reconnoitering expedition that didn't quite make the history books by all means check out Tyrannosaurus Azteca. Then try and sit through it with a straight face.

Sometimes you just want to watch a dubious SyFy movie about a tyrannosaur in an unlikely setting. And sometimes the very first appearance of the computer-generated lizard makes you regret your decision. It's not that I had high expectations at any point, but I thought there was potential in the concept. Instead - despite my commitment to watching - by the time only ten minutes had passed I had all but given up hope. 'Aztec Rex,' also known as 'Tyrannosaurus Azteca,' is dull, boring, cliched, and altogether questionable.

The costume design, makeup work, and set design are okay. The filming locations are gorgeous. Unfortunately, that's the closest I can come to offering praise, and otherwise the picture can be best described as specious and flimsy. With little variation, the conquistadors are unquestionably the villains of the story, as they are in real-life history, and this is cemented by imperialist musings and racism. The writing also reflects racist overtones in how the Aztecs are written, to say nothing of the direly weak excuse given for how the Spaniards and the indigenous people can understand each other. The dialogue, narrative, and scene writing are hackneyed and tedious, flagging and dragging from the very start as they contribute to meager pacing - and are almost entirely defined by tropes. This is true not least of all in regards to supporting character Ayacoatl, who as the only woman to appear on-screen with meaningful storytelling substance is obligated to embody every archetype of female characters, no matter how contrived.

Everyone in the cast does the best they can with the material they're given, but considering how appallingly thin and empty the writing is, their best can scarcely begin to make a difference. This particularly goes for Dichen Lachman as Ayacoatl - she tries to infuse her role with earnest nuance and personality, but more than anything else I feel sorry for her as she's stuck in this production, and her effort broadly comes across as overacting just as much as some of her costars (if in a different way). As wholly unbelievable as the CGI tyrannosaur appears, and the violence associated with it, the costume design that already barely passes muster sometimes weirdly bears the appearance of itself being created with green-screen effects. Speaking of effects, the most basic tangible blood or gore we see looks good, but the more grand it is, the less convincing it becomes. Meanwhile, Brian Trenchard-Smith's direction, and the fundamental orchestration and execution of most scenes, mostly feels pointedly stilted, halfhearted, and lacking.

It's very possible to enjoy movies like 'Aztec Rex.' Sometimes they're duly sincere with sufficient hard work put into them that, if imperfect, means they're very entertaining. At other times, whether intentionally over the top or accidentally flailing, such titles can be fun because they come across as (bad) B-movies. In this instance, however, the concatenation of every flaw and shortcoming is so overwhelming that the picture is robbed of almost all possible value. I won't say that it's entirely bereft - the climax is actually pretty well done - but the end result here is so desperate and trying as a viewing experience that it can surely be recommendable only for the profoundly curious or the immensely bored. 'Aztec Rex' certainly isn't the worst of all possible movies, and I wish I could say that I like it more than I do, but it's close enough that I'm forced to second-guess my choices in life.

It was 1 a.m. in the morning and I had nothing else to do. Don't judge me... please.

We're back in time during the Spanish settlements. A group have made their way onto an island. It doesn't take too long before they encounter a large "reptile", which gobbles up their horse. Soon they're captured by the natives and in order to gain freedom they must kill the "reptile gods." THE CG sucks; it reminds me of the CG of early console video games. The encounters were lame. The only positive thing I have to say about this was the hottie native running around in a skimpy outfit. Otherwise it's just a middling effort.

A very clever movie, using the old style movie plot, that the writer and director team very subtly, and very craftily, made their point.

The movie is an old style Science Fiction adventure. Cortez leads six men on an expedition into the Aztec world. Cortez is a good choice, because he is known as one of the less ruthless, but still successful conquistadors. He certainly had more civility than Pizarro.

Along the way, they meet a tribe, and two T Rexes. They are out for conquest, so they decide they will conquer the tribe instead of the T Rexes.

But the tribe gets the better of them, and a priest intervenes on their behalf. It isn't unusual for a Spaniard to be stranded or shipwrecked near a coastal community, and such was the case for this priest, who was deemed interesting enough by the tribe to take in, and he taught them the language of Cortez.

The characters are very real and identifiable. You genuinely care about them. It is well written and directed. The T Rexes lumber, as some scientists still believe. It is only recently that some scientists claim that rexes were speedy, but these are scientists just trying to get their names into print. Good Science dictates that it takes an incredible amount of energy to give speed to that weight. It's like trying to motor a two ton truck as opposed to a motorcycle. The lumbering T Rex still makes more sense.

The characters are well done. Cortez is much like the leader of the treasure seekers in "The Jungle Book", the one with Sabu in it. He is a decent man, who cares about other people, and has humanity, but still wants the treasure. The priest is a very three dimensional character. The romantic two leads are also believable, especially for the times, since they have never seen movies, and don't know what a modern character is supposed to be like. They behave much as you would find credible for the times.

But the chief point of the movie is that it attacks all other horror and Science Fiction movies in a very subtle way. It comes with the idea in the title I gave this, and I wouldn't want to spoil it. Nearly all horror and Science Fiction movies made in the last forty years indicate that some characters are "divinely" above any physical weakness, and that if you're evil enough, you cannot become weak. This movie cleverly attacks that notion.