The Raven

The Raven,

By Edgar Allan Poe, by way of Ulli Lommel

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Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

I, not thinking, brought back The Raven from the movie store.

While I watched, I wished for napping, to save me from this horrid crapping,

As Ulli Lommel's vicious trapping made me feel like his dirty whore.

'Tis god awful,' I muttered, 'this movie I abhor-

I wish I had rented something more.'

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Ah, distinctly I remember, this would have offended famous Edgar,

As he clawed the lid of his coffin, deep below the graveyard floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; - nothing's brought me greater sorrow,

Had I just been somewhat stronger, I'd've thrown this out the door,

Perhaps shook it off and ascended to the store,

…But I stayed for Ulli's hellish tour.

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What this movie was about, I can't be certain,

It filled me with boredom - a boredom I'd never felt before.

An hour's time, the cast sat eating--and only talking, ain't that cheating?

With nary a reference to Mr. Poe, what was this movie made for?

If not to honor a genius, why suffer through this chore?

That it is, and nothing more.

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'Damn this movie's scent of farting! Damn it all!' I shrieked upstarting-

'This movie doth much offend me, I wish to hear me snore!

Does Ulli think my brain is broken, perhaps a boob who is soft-spoken,

As to not see in this 1800's sequence a very modern bedroom door?'

I pressed fast forward; the movie soared, thought of watching; held it more.

Qouth the Raven – 'I'm a bore.'

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And The Raven, so unfitting, please leave sitting, PLEASE leave sitting,

It can't bore you if it stays unseen, sitting in the movie store.

Late at night, it haunts my dreaming, I even sometimes wake up screaming,

And shake away haunts of Ulli's movie, filled with nothing but corny gore.

Nightly I pray o'er us all, my knees tucked 'neath me on the floor,

I pray to God that no luckless soul ever lift The Raven from the movie store.

Quoth the Raven – 'I'm a stain and nothing more.'

I realize he's dead since quite some time now, but I sincerely hope that the spirit of Edgar Allen Poe still has enough strength and energy left to rise from the depths of eternal darkness and HAUNT Ulli Lommel (as well as everyone else involved in this blasphemous turkey) until he opts for premature burial. Yes, I do realize that sounds cruel, but … have you seen this movie?!? "The Raven" is the type of film of which you initially think: "Hey, how bad can it possibly be?" The film is inspired by the writings of the legendary Edgar Allen Poe, so as long as the script remains faithful to its source, very few things can go wrong. Clearly a lot of things can go wrong when Ulli Lommel is in charge! The plot is a seemingly endless bunch of retarded nonsense that has NOTHING to do with the original poem, the cast members are a gathering of insufferable losers that don't even deserve to star in an amateurish YouTube video, the digital camera-work and editing appear to be the work of toddlers and the arrogant wannabe-artistic atmosphere nearly causes you to vomit. Lenore is a twenty-something untalented singer whose mind is inexplicably linked to Poe's and he even appears to her in nightmares. There's a killer (the penis-munching freak from "Cannibal") on the loose and Edgar commands her to go after him. Or something like that, whatever, nobody cares anyway, because it's all pure rubbish. Lommel himself makes a brief appearance as the girl's grandfather when she's five. He wears a ridiculous eye-patch and a sea captain's hat, which pretty much states that he hasn't got the slightest bit of self-dignity left. Once upon a time the promising director of the video-nasty classic "The Bogey Man", Ulli Lommel now just appears to be on a mission to become the world's record holder of repugnant films linked to his name. The amount of crap this guy unleashed upon the world is literally incredible. "B.T.K Killer", "Zombie Nation", "Green River Killer" … You better just avoid everything he did.

Enough about this piece of junk! Back in the 1960's, director/producer Roger Corman made a cycle of films based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe; all starring the magnificent Vincent Price and all close to brilliant. Corman's reputation is questionable and his nickname is "King of the B's", but he surely had (and probably still has) more sense of class and finesse in his smallest toe than Ulli Lommel in his entire body.

I wish i could give it a 0. I'm doing a project on Edgar Allan Poe so I though it might be a good idea to watch some movies relating to Poe so I went down to blockbuster to get this, and while waiting in line we read the description and we all knew it was going to be bad, but oh my god I couldn't imagine it would have been this terrible. The story doesn't even make any sense and there's all this random crap in it that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I've seen some bad movies (we actually try and find the shittiest looking movie we can find for fun) but this one easily has the lowest budget I've seen, it looks like they just used a regular video camera and couldn't afford real actors so they just had friends act in it. Afterwards my friend even said "God, I can't believe we didn't stop watching it" I even just made this account so I could comment on it.

Just one thing.

I am German. And I feel ashamed by movies like this, by Lommel, by Boll, and all those other German directors, that recently entered Hollywood to produce the worst movies, that an human mind can ever imagine. This movie right here actually is even worse than anything I could imagine before.

So... Just understand: it's not our fault... Nobody in Germany knows these guys, nobody knows, where they are coming from and who pays them money to produce this. We like good movies, too, and yes, we hate these guys, too.

I honestly feel ashamed. As a German, I apologize for this. Thank you for your attention.

I love low budget horror films as much as anyone else but this is the 3rd Ulli Lommel film that I attempted to watch and found it just as bad as all his other films. I've seen student movies that looked like they had higher production values than any of Lommel's films. Everything in these movies: acting, writing, lighting, story, sound, etc. really could not be any worse than they are. To ask someone to pay to watch one of these movies is criminal. Do NOT waste your time watching anything by Ulli Lommel; every movie of his that I've seen is just as bad if not worse.

Other Ulli Lommel films I've tortured myself to watch: Diary of a Cannibal and Zombie Nation. Both of these films were pathetic to say the least.