- Drillbit Taylor: I'm Drillbit Taylor... US Army ranger, black-ops operative, decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.
- Wade: Are you still in the military?
- Drillbit Taylor: I was discharged - unauthorized heroism.
- [from trailer]
- Drillbit Taylor: [from trailer] Now in addition to the Chinese Kung Fu we've got a little Mexican Judo, as in 'Judon't know who you messin' with, homz.'
- Disgruntled Bodyguard: Kids hiring a bodyguard to take care of a bullying? Stupidest thing I ever heard.
- Ryan: [battle rap duel] Yo! Call me whatever you want, but you know I gets busy I'm so badass, I'm the king of Vice City, like the Buddha, I'm Zen, like Beckham I bend, I tell suckers "say hello to my little friend".
- Filkins: Hey, meatball, where's your spaghetti? Your rapping's like a nightmare but I don't see Freddy. You best not even try to spit rhymes, dude 'cause when you spit all I ever see is chewed-up food.
- Ronnie: Yeah, that's how we roll, that's how we do.
- Ryan: Hold on. I know you just didn't go there, I got more skills than you in my one and only nut hair. So you better step off before you insult me and mine 'cause if you decide to step on, see I'm like a land mine... Boom! Boom!
- Filkins: Oh, my God, look it's a punkass rapping. He say one more word I'm gonna have to bitch-slap him. So surprised you're moving ass is so damn fat. You're luck I don't hit you with my Wiffle, Wiffle Ball bat.
- Ryan: Can't hurt my head with a bat, I'm the Incredible Hulk, I'm like Costco. I'm serving ass kickings in bulk. You don't like my words Mister King of the School? Well, guess what? You can suck on my family's jewels. Bitch!
- [crowd cheers]
- Drillbit Taylor: You'd be surprised, anything can be turned into a weapon of mayhem or destruction.
- Emmit: Even a puppy?
- Drillbit Taylor: Especially a puppy. The Germans used em' in World War I. De Hundin Schtorman, Lightning Dog. They'd attach dynamite to them, Rommel did it, jerry bastard...
- Filkins: Think you're so funny? Good. Cause you're not gonna laugh when you're dead. You're gonna get it now, worse than ever. All of you.
- Filkins: I'm really a samurai warrior from the 14th Century sent to kill them.
- [the parents at the meeting laugh at his joke]
- Drillbit Taylor: Godammit, I'm sick of getting hit by this kid.
- Ryan: C'mon, Drillbit, kick his ass.
- Drillbit Taylor: I can't, he's a minor.
- Kid: No, he's not. He's 18.
- Ryan: Now, we're more screwed than ever. All because you wanted to protect the hobbit over here.
- Drillbit Taylor: Hey, let's just stop for a second.
- Emmit: I'm not a hobbit!
- Ryan: You're a damn hobbit, okay?
- Emmit: I'm not!
- Drillbit Taylor: Hold it! Hey, Emmit's not a hobbit, okay? I don't think.
- Ryan: Me and Emmit are gonna back you up.
- Emmit: Oh, now it's "me and Emmit". You've never been nice to me, Ryan and I've only been kind to you. And I've tried so hard to make this friendship work, but I am not going to die for someone who won't die for me. "Survival technique". I renounce violence. I have a future!
- Wade: It's been great having someone around who, like, likes me, and isn't making fun of me or telling me to join the football team, like my step-dad.
- Drillbit Taylor: Just do your best. Be all you can be. What's the Army always say? "Have it your way."
- Wade: I think that's... Burger King.
- Drillbit Taylor: Where do you think *they* got it from?
- [they both start to chuckle]
- Drillbit Taylor: [in the teacher's lounge] Why don't we meet back here. Okay?
- Lisa: Okay. I'll keep the couch warm.
- Drillbit Taylor: Check the tags and make sure this couch is flame retardant. You know what I mean? Flame retardant? Because you're hot.
- Drillbit Taylor: So, what's the story? Who do you guys need protection from?
- Ryan: Should be easy for you. Just a high school bully.
- Drillbit Taylor: Yeah. Run into a few of those in my life... What did you do to provoke him?
- Wade: [motioning to Ryan, then Emmit] He's fat, he's a dork, and I'm awesome.
- Ryan: Oh, shut up, Wade!
- Drillbit Taylor: By "awesome," do you mean scared, skinny and lonely?
- Wade: Yeah.
- Drillbit Taylor: Yeah.