Body Armour

Action scenes --especially those taking place in Barcelona-- are filmed as if in slow motion, with telegraphed blows. The characters behave oddly. The former hit-man --whose life has been threatened by fellow gangsters intending to stop him from giving testimony before the courts-- is paraded by his bodyguard (the movie's hero) all over Barcelona. The bad guys are incredibly clumsy as well: horrible aiming with the guns and slow motion movements, thus allowing the hero to conveniently kill all of them. The two police officers assigned to assist in the protection are dumb: they open the door at a simple knock, without preparing themselves (and, lo and behold! both are instantly killed by the bad guy, at the other side of the door). And so on. One point for the effort of making an action movie in an unusual environment. They should keep trying: it was a good idea. But, even though it is a relatively simple genre, shooting these action films takes some practicing and learning too.

I'm a basic fella, I see Chazz Palminteri, Til Schweiger and a phook off Baretta on the poster and I watch! 'Body Armor' (2007)is an old school, Teflon-tough, cheese-loaded, pleasingly 90s flavoured actioner. Handsomely lithe Til plays darkly brooding retired bodyguard John Ridley, who, through a crude twist of fate is hired to protect his arch nemesis Lee Maxwell (Chazz Palminteri), a merciless contract killer seeking redemption. Outside of the surprisingly muscular action, my main fascination with 'Body Armor' is the fearlessly formulaic text which genuinely appears to be fashioned entirely from recycled dialogue!!!! With the sole, glaring omission of 'I'm getting too old for this!' the purloined prose has been brazenly lifted from some of the more prosaic examples of Seagal's oeuvre! So I would strongly advise against embarking upon a drinking game generously toasting each heroically hackneyed exchange, as you will be mortally medicated midway through the first act, mayte!

If you still appreciate the kinetic, hyper-stylized shenanigans of a superfluously sleek, Olivier Megaton-helmed EuropaCorp style shoot 'em up, Gerry Lively's boisterously Baretta-blasted 'Body Armour' is well worth a shot! The ravishing Barcelona backdrop and dynamically driving score by Jose Mora are the film's more notable highlights. Objectively, 'Body Armor' is not without its flaws, and both actors are plainly aware of that fact, but, personally, I enjoy this kind of barnstormingly escapist brain-melt to noisily distract myself from an increasingly monotonous reality, which it does rather well. As an aside, I could see powerhouse director Isaac Florentine fashioning a zesty upgrade of this with a menacingly grizzled JCVD as the remorseful ex-assassin Lee, and pyrotechnical pugilist Scott Adkins as his fleet-fisted antagonist Ridley.

This is a movie about a bodyguard who has to protect somebody but can't do a worthwhile job of it.

Like most action movies of this sort, it loses logic about 20 minutes in.

The bad guys are too bad for their own good, but they look good in fancy suits and with nice weaponry.

The good guys are too dumb - tough but dumb.

Now, if I had to relocate a witness, I would not take them to places that would be popular or hot or known to anybody.

I would throw them in back of a beat-up car, wearing rags and take them to some place that nobody would ever think of.

They would listen to me or I would bust their teeth.

However as in every other witness relocation/protection movie - logic is misplaced for what is supposed to be a story.

The performances are bad, the story is bad and the action is also bad.

However for a comedy, it's not too bad...if you want a little bit of action with your funny.

With a whole bunch of useless and needless locations, scenes, action sequences and dialog as well as major plot holes - this could be one of the lost comedies that you may find interesting.

The nightclub scenes are pretty interesting...walking around in ski masks in a nightclub and nobody notices.

Brandishing weaponry across a dance-floor and nobody moves until gunfire is sprayed.

Yep, it's the little things that can make a movie good or it's the little things that can make a movie horrible.

This does the latter.

I have yet to read a single positive review for this film anywhere, most people say it's clichéd, predictable, and stupid with a done-to-death plot, and it kinda is, but that dosen't mean it's not a hell of a lot of fun. Palinteri does a pretty good job, though he's played this type of role so many times he could do it in his sleep, and Schweiger's not much of an actor, so it's fortunate that he dosen't try and stretch himself too much here, the rest of the cast is pretty average. When it comes to action however, this film really delivers, Gerry Lively certainly lives it up to his last name, as the actions scenes are indeed lively and entertaining and they easily make up for the weak story and mostly average performances, all in all i'd say it's a 6 out of 10.

Til Schweiger plays John Ridley, former bodyguard to a US presidential candidate, who retires after royally screwing up and getting his client killed. Three years later he's persuaded to come out of retirement for 'one last job', only to find his new client is Lee Maxwell (Chazz Palminteri) - the hitman who killed the presidential candidate. Ridley's job is to keep Maxwell alive long enough for him to inform against the Russian (I think) mob, all the while controlling his desire to kill him himself.

This film is so bad it crosses that fine line into 'entertaining'. First, as far as bodyguarding goes this really is amateur hour:

Ridley (to a colleague on the candidate's security detail); 'Where's your body armour?' Colleague; 'Ah, I didn't bother, it's too hot'.

Wow, wonder what's going to happen to *that* guy...

And,

Ridley (when said colleague is injured, leaving Ridley as the *only* agent with the candidate); 'I can't help him. It may be a ploy to draw us out.' Presidential candidate; 'If you don't help him, he may die. Can you live with that?' Ridley; 'Okay, you wait here.'

Those aren't spoilers; they both occur in the first five minutes!

It doesn't get better. A squad of bad guys in balaclavas and carrying assault rifles, and bodyguards brandishing twin pistols - in full view of *everyone* in a crowded nightclub - don't cause *any* panic until they actually start shooting?

The plot is about as original as a Steven Seagal movie, but with even more laughable decision-making and cliched dialogue. Actually, I could totally see this with JCVD as Ridley, and the bloated Buddha himself as Maxwell. Not that that's ever going to happen.

As an action flick, 3/10; as a laugh, 7/10! Averages out at...

5/10.