- Mel B: [disgusted at a grandparent act dancing sexily] This is a family show!
- Simon Cowell: Not anymore.
- Simon Cowell: Do you know why I started making shows like this years ago? Because I worked with a lot of really stupid people in the music business, I'm serious, who actually thought people would buy an album based on your weight. It's ridiculous!
- Howie Mandel: You didn't play the guitar, you *murdered* that guitar.
- Simon Cowell: Even the *word* flutist is annoying.
- Simon Cowell: Karaoke makes me physically ill.
- Simon Cowell: It was everything, it was dancing and you set yourself on fire and you nearly got your head chopped off, all in two minutes, God only knows what you would've done next.
- Simon Cowell: 99% of people who come out on stage with a guitar *can't* play the guitar. You just demonstrated what that thing was actually intended for.
- Simon Cowell: I tried to learn the guitar when I was your age, I hated it so much, I threw a toffee at my teacher and he punched me in the face.
- Sofia Vergara: [Simon and Howie go on stage] Scream if you guys need help and we'll come running and get you.
- Howie Mandel: [everyone else in the room has a name starting with H] Hey Sofia, what're you doing here without an H?
- Sofia Vergara: I'm chopped liver.
- Howie Mandel: [Simon's in the middle of a knife throwing act] Probably safer than riding a bike.
- Simon Cowell: [wide eyed] Howie, shut up!
- Sofia Vergara: When Simon asks if you have a second song, even though it's annoying, when he asks for a second song, he's right, this one was *so* much better.
- Howie Mandel: We've had people dive from 3 stories, we've had people set themselves on fire, you popped a balloon and you're bleeding.
- Jack the Whipper: For this last trick, I was going to use Howie, but Howie's not here, so I'm just going to do this trick on myself.
- Terry Crews: [from the wings] Use Simon!
- Jack the Whipper: Simon scares me.
- Heidi Klum: But he just buzzed you!
- Simon Cowell: [to Dance Fusion, 2 dance companies from Japan] When we first started this show, I thought maybe we'd get a cat that dances with a balloon or something, and now, *Japan*'s Got Talent.
- Heidi Klum: Why are they booing him?
- Howie Mandel: He's the devil.
- Heidi Klum: Why does the devil get booed?
- Howie Mandel: A lot of people don't like him.
- Tyra Banks: [during a very dangerous act] Do not try this at home. Do not try this at work. Do not try this at school.
- Terry Fator: Years ago I got to meet Nancy Reagan, and I told her, "I voted for your husband". She told me, "I voted for you."
- Heidi Klum: Terry, we're late because Simon just took off and left us.
- Simon Cowell: I left them because they stole my bike.
- Terry Crews: It's time somebody did!