- Fred G. Sanford: Who don't know about guns?
- Lamont Sanford: You don't.
- Fred G. Sanford: Are you kiddin'? World War I, Fred B. Sanford...
- Lamont Sanford: "B. Sanford"? What's the "B" for?
- Fred G. Sanford: Bullseye. Machine gunner, World War I. Rifleman. Pistol expert. Now how 'bout that?
- Lamont Sanford: Well, that's not the way I heard it. It was World War II and it was Fred B. Sanford alright, but the "B" wasn't for "Bullseye."
- Fred G. Sanford: How many times you see pictures of Jesus and he's white?
- Lamont Sanford: What about it?
- Fred G. Sanford: That's wrong, too, 'cause you can't hang around Jerusalem no thirty-some years and don't wear no hat and stay white.
- Fred Sanford: You remember that command they used to give? "Don't fire 'till you see the whites."
- Lamont Sanford: It was, "Don't fire 'till you see the whites of their eyes".
- Fred Sanford: Bufford never waited that long.
- Howard Goldstein: [Watching "Let's Make a Deal" on television where a contestant picked the losing door] Lady's just stupid.
- Howard Goldstein: wait a minute, Fred. Why do you say that?
- Fred G. Sanford: Well, how many smart people do you know be dressed like a pizza? and another thing that makes her stupid is she listened to you.
- Howard Goldstein: You're not so smart either. What about yesterday on "Jeopardy" when you told that woman that Sherlock Holmes is a famous housing development?
- Lamont Sanford: [Handing Fred an antique rifle] That's an original Revolutionary War rifle. I picked it up at an auction for fifty bucks.
- Fred G. Sanford: You paid fifty bucks for this?
- Lamont Sanford: Pop, this is an original Revolutionary War rifle. It's called a "Brown Bess."
- Fred G. Sanford: And they sold it to a brown dummy.
- Lamont Sanford: [phoning their neighbor, afraid they've accidently shot him] You know, pop, the phone company says to always let the phone ring at least 10 times, because sometimes people be taking a shower or something.
- Fred Sanford: Yeah... and sometimes, they be dead!