- Al: Steve, I may not know the color of my wife's eyes. I don't know my kids' birthdays. But I know that's Brandi Brandt! Born 1968. Teeny, weeny birthmark, around bend of left knee. Favorite movie: "The Big Bus".
- Brandi Brandt: I love the shoes. How much?
- Al: They're on the house. After all, you've made it possible for Steve and I to have sex with our wives!
- Al: Look, Peg! Brandi Brandt! Isn't she great?
- Peggy Bundy: I don't see what's so hot about her.
- Al: You will when she's tacked up on the headboard! Upstairs! Now!
- Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
- Al: Fine.
- Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
- Al: You know, huh?
- Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are!
- Al's Father: You know, everybody up there is laughing at you.
- Al: What do you mean everybody's laughing at me? Is Abe Lincoln laughing at me?
- Al's Father: Abe, Socrates, Moe, Larry, Curly.
- Al: The 3 Stooges are laughing at me? How about Marilyn Monroe? Is Marilyn laughing at me?
- Al's Father: She doesn't even know you're alive!
- Peggy Bundy: What is it about men? They have perfectly good wives at home and yet they have to look at women like these.
- Al: Well, I guess every now and then a guy who drives a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari.
- Peggy Bundy: Yeah, but what difference would that make to you? You don't know how to drive!
- Kelly Bundy: [trying to read] What's this word?
- Bud Bundy: "A".
- Kelly Bundy: Oh! Just like the letter!
- Steve Rhoades: Let me handle this, Al.
- [to Brandi]
- Steve Rhoades: How about something in a man who'll give you everything he owns?
- Brandi Brandt: Oh, I already have a pair of those. What I need right now is a pair of stiletto heels, black, size 6.
- Brandi Brandt: Do you mind if I walk in them?
- Al: I'd prefer you dance in them, but it's not mandatory.
- Al: Listen, there's nothing that you can ask your mother you can't ask me. Go ahead, shoot!
- Kelly Bundy: Okay. Well, I'm ovulating and when this happens, I get this pinching little cramp. What should I do?
- Al: Walk it off! And remember: the next time, stretch before you ovulate.