The Witches of Breastwick

The Witches of Breastwick (2005)

*** (out of 4)

Fun softcore spoof has David (Joe Souza) having a dream that he is tied up by three mysterious women. This dream has been going on for several weeks and his wife Tiffany (Monique Parent) is started to get worried. Soon the two are out having sex and David notices a tree from his dream. Soon they go searching and find the women from David's dream.

As the title suggests, this here is one of those low-budget spoofs and this one here is actually pretty darn good. If one is looking for CITIZEN KANE then obviously you're not going to find it here but if you're a fan of these softcore spoofs then there's a lot to enjoy here. Director Jim Wynorski pretty much delivers one non-stop sex scene after another with one beautiful woman right after the other.

What I enjoy most about Whynorski's work is that there's really no fat in the picture and he pretty much keeps things moving at a very fast pace. There's nothing worse than watching a plot less film that pretty much slows down and you lose interest in what you're seeing. Some might say that there's nothing to see in a film like this outside of the women and I'd somewhat agree but I'm sure we've all seen films that are full of nudity and yet they still get boring.

THE WITCHES OF BREASTWICK has a fairly funny, if very simple, plot and the actors all do a nice job with their scenes. Souza makes for a good leading actor in a film like this and he's got some real beauties surrounding him including Stormy Daniels, Julie K. Smith and Jodie Moore. As you'd expect, the sex scenes are pretty non-stop but they're quite sexy and fun.

I was up late one night playing starcraft when I happened to stumble upon this movie, given the clever title, I decided to watch it. Although my friends KT and Kain were disappointed that I left my game to watch this movie, all I can say is that this movie was head and shoulders above any game I've ever played. Quite possibly one of the best Cinemax movies of all time, the scenes are realistic and the women scorching, although some of the witches are definitely more endearing than the others, the plot line has a nice balance of tackyness and credibility, and there are tons of different scenes to satisfy all of those looking for some good, late-night movies, including G-G and M-G. Although it isn't going to be winning any awards, the acting isn't half bad and is much better than what is usually on. I give it 10 out of 10 inches.

If you like huge, fake breasts, then you will probably love this soft-core porn flick. The three witches (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Julie K. Smith, Stormy) and the mysterious girl (Taimie Hannum) all sport enormous man-made fun-bags, while the other chicks have partially synthetic hooters of various sizes. In fact, there's not a completely real breast in the whole movie (not including male actors, of course). If you prefer natural breasts as I do, then you are watching the wrong movie. However, as much as I hate large fake breasts, I will admit that this is still a better than average soft-core flick.

The plot is silly, but that's almost always true for soft-core, and personally, I prefer the silly or over-the-top stupid plots to the flicks that attempt a serious plot, like all the soft-core crime drama flicks. The acting is better than average for this type of movie, and the production values are pretty good, except for one sex scene shot half in the shadows and half in sunlight and another dimly lit one.

The first 30 minutes of this movie gets a little talky, but the last 45 minutes is pretty much wall-to-wall sex scenes. And all of the sex scenes are lengthy. Which is good, right? Who wants to watch 10 minutes of "plot" to get to 60 seconds of sex scene like in some soft-core flicks? I prefer 5 minute sex scenes separated by a couple of minutes of dialogue to setup who is going to do who next.

The five male/female sex scenes all range from better than average to very good. I especially like the scene with the witch Felicia (Stormy) and the dimly lit scene with the mystery girl (Taimie Hannum). Oddly, for me the most erotic scene in the movie is not one of the many sex scenes, but the lengthy striptease performed down a long conference table by the doctor's assistant (Jodie Moore).

Now for the two female threesome sex scenes, one in a hot tub and another in a bathtub. This is where the flick disappoints me the most. These scenes consist mostly of the girls wriggling, lightly caressing each other, and posing for the camera instead of attempting to simulate any type of sexual contact. And since they're half underwater, nothing's going on below the waist, and all those nice tails and legs are out of view. There are a few light kisses and nipple licks, but more fake ones than real ones. I hate it when a chick in soft-core pulls the old "I'm gonna kiss her on the mouth, but oops, I missed" or the old "I'm trying to lick her nipple but my tongue isn't long enough" nonsense. If the people who make hard-core or the "Girls Gone Wild" flicks can find girls who will actually french kiss each other and touch each other sexually, why can't the makers of most soft-core films find actresses who will at least act like they enjoy kissing and touching other girls?

As for rating the ladies, I found Stormy, Taimie Hannum and Julie K. Smith (as the witch Lola) all very appealing despite my preference for natural boobs. Monique Parent (as the wife) is one of my all-time favorite soft-core actresses. I've always loved her slender, tight, fair-skinned body and red hair, but now that she's hit 40 and added a few pounds, she's starting to look very average for this type of movie. Check her out in her older soft-core flicks. I loved Jodie Moore in her one scene. And as for Glori-Anne Gilbert (as the witch Rebecca), she didn't do it for me despite the fact that her facial features and husky voice constantly reminded me of Mira Sorvino.

Overall, a better than average soft-core flick, and if you love great big 'uns, a great soft-core flick.

It is unbelievable how many genre mistakes sneak up to IMDb. It says horror for this crap. From a title, it was obvious to me that it is an erotic movie, but I was curious how they managed to combine erotic and horror into one movie. The answer is - they did not! This is plain soft porn and kind that will disappoint both fans of horror and fans of porn. Complete failure.

3/10

Jim Wynorski delivers another sexy comedy/horror.much like the earlier sorceress with the the tall Amazonian babe;Julie strain.anyway even though there's no plot to get in the way of the movie,its enjoyable sexy fun . a man(Matt dalpiaz) and his sexy red head wife(Monique parent)meet three sexy witches(Glori Anne gilbert,Julie k smith,and stormy Daniels) then there's come cameos by wynorski regulars jay Richardson and Antonia Dorian.about 10 years back i had the pleasure of meeting starlet; Glori Anne gilbert at a comic convention in Orlando Florida.shes very nice and down to earth.and treats her fans like friends.Glori Anne gilbert is a very beautiful sexy starlet,catch her in the 2003 film; curse of the komodo.the truth is i enjoy b-movies more then mainstream movies.i guess my tastes are very much like critic Joe bob Briggs. kudos to mr wynorski,keep making em ill keep watching em.6 out of 10.