The Apprentice

The beginning of March 2005 saw one of the best programs to ever air on English TV. The Apprentice.

This English remake of the hit American series sees millionaire entrepreneur Sir Alan Sugar search through 12 young hopefuls to find his apprentice - the award being a 6 figure salary and the chance to work with him.

The hopefuls range, some high flying university graduates to some who never attended school - all going for the same job.

To enable Sir Alan Sugar to pick his apprentice he splits these hopefuls into 2 teams (originally boys and girls) and then sets them tasks - these tasks can be anything from; Selling flowers on Londons Streets, to holding top celebrity auctions, creating advertising campaigns and let us not forget creating a brand new toy for the market - the episode and "secret signals" still haunts me!

Every week the loosing team has Sir Alan Sugar fire the person who performed least in the task - and in the board room looks them in the face and says "You're Fired!"

The series is a brilliant piece of television. It has everything TV needs, suspense, drama, laughter and bitchiness. They all soon learn a big part of this show is not learning how to cope with the challenges but learning to cope with each over.

Overall an amazing, brilliant piece of television. The sort of television that has you an inch away from your screen for the whole hour shouting at the screen as the hopefuls stab their team mates in the back, lie and stitch each over up - all to get in that position of being an apprentice.

Broadcast on BBC2, the 12 60 minute episodes all offered superb entertainment and left the audience not wanting to blink at any stage during the program!

A brilliant piece of television, fingers crossed for a DVD release and 2nd series!

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

When The Apprentice UK appeared, I regretted the fact that it bumped the American version off prime-time; I never felt that Lord SrAlan (or just 'SrAlan' as he was then) was any substitute for Trump - this was before Trump became the world's most dangerous moron, of course.

I read recently that Lord SrAlan is getting sick of it now, though, and I don't blame him: I'm sick of it too. Where do they find these people: year after year, a batch even more stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant and ungracious than the last? You can't imagine for one moment that any of them would be any use in business, I guess all they really want is a TV career.

When in last night's episode a guy who is pitching an ice-cream business couldn't make ice-cream, I felt like banging my head against the wall. But why did he fail? Because he tried to screw the customer a little too hard, passing off the cheapest rubbish he could produce as 'premium'. That's the ethos they all have - it's depressing. Then there's that awful woman who is actually a school librarian, but seems to think she's Lady Diana Spencer. You just want a 16-ton weight dropped on the lot of them: how much more can we take?

It's gonna reach the point soon where it's more excruciating than entertaining (not least because of Lord SrAlan's own awful gags, he really needs a new writer). In fact I'm not sure we're not already there.

Easy explanation. Thousands submit a business plan. Ten idiots/narcacists/delusional people plus one about credible and the winner Are selected. Lord Sugar has already decided the one that's going to make him even more money but it's dragged out for a few months with the performing monkeys entertaining us with their unique brand of obnoxiousness (that peasant librarian wannabe gentry!!!) After real business people completely humiliate them nothing changes in their jelly brains and they still think they have been on the program for merit, not basically a slaughtering that even web toed folk who marry their sister can look down on. To give them credit though, they can dress themselves and are toilet trained. I think.

Now in its fifth series, 'The Apprentice' has 14 candidates for a top job with Sir Alan Sugar's group of companies - carrying out a range of tasks (face painting, washing cars, cooking, making a TV commercial, launching a product, selling sandwiches, etc.) in order to be in the winning team at the end of the day.

With catchphrases like 'this is a job interview from hell' and, carried over from the US version, 'You're fired', it can come across a bit more reality TV than business acumen. The eventual winners have ranged from nice Tim to liar Lee to dim Michelle to er, the other one. Strong characters tend to stay in until the last few weeks to give the viewer something to loathe.

Sir Alan's aides, Nick and Margaret, are good value to watch, their expressions showing their disdain for the candidates as they flunk one task after another. And yes, these high flyers are dim - the scary thing is that the candidates have top salary jobs outside of 'The Apprentice'! As a reality show, it's watchable and fun - even though the last two series have had candidates who play up to the camera more than their predecessors. As a business programme, it's fairly useless - even the tasks have got less interesting as the series has progressed.

Why are we - the British tax payers - paying for this absolute piece of garbage? 14 seasons of a complete and utter non-entity (Alan Sugar) - the epitome of capitalism gone wrong - braying, bullying, abusing and manipulating so-called contestants for a prize that seems to be absolutely worthless - employment by him. Could I, as a business man, bet the BBC to fund my 'talent' search? I don't think so... Could we please place this rubbish in the receptacles provided - or better still, just flush the entire, stupid idea... so that'll reside in posterity, along with Sugar - in its fitting home.