El hombre víbora

I felt like I was in some backwoods fundamentalist church yesterday. There was Anaconda 3, Snakes on a Plane, Vipers, and this one. What is with all these snakes? This one had no special appeal. It was you routine running through the jungle, with one member in a tight top (Jayne Heitmeyer), and everyone getting eaten by the snakes. They even brought in some mercenaries, presumably from Blackwater or Halliburton, and they all get eaten, too. The only thing different was that this particular snake had about four heads. That made for an interesting twist as each head can get a body extremity and, pop, instant paraplegic. Then the main snake just pops the head and sucks out the juice like eating craw-fish in the bayou.

The only thing that will keep you interest is the aforementioned Heitmeyer getting that top all sweaty and bloody.

Someone at the Sci-Fi Channel must have thought making a movie about a giant, five-headed snake in the Amazon would make for a nifty monster movie. It probably could have if it hadn't been for the fact that the giant, five-headed snake is so huge that we generally only see one, two, or three heads on the screen at any given time. That is until the climax of the movie when all five are finally shown, albeit briefly, and even then you never really get a full body view of the creature to figure out how everything is interconnected. The movie establishes that the snake has a tail so they can't use the excuse of it having heads at both ends. I want to know where the hell the fourth and fifth heads disappeared to for the first three quarters of the movie. Were they on a smoke break? Were they given conscientious objector status for refusing to take part in the killing if innocent people? Were they off auditioning for a role in Python 3?

Oh, but wait, there are still more problems with the giant, five-headed snake. Despite the fact that it appears to be big enough to give Godzilla a heck of a fight, this colossal, multi-headed snake is still able to hide undetected in the jungle brush until it's too late. The noise it makes when slithering through the jungle is minimal and keep in mind we are talking about an enormous monster with five-heads, each at least the size of an automobile. If it wasn't constantly roaring (This snake doesn't hiss. It roars.), then it would barely generate any noise at all. People are constantly running away before coming to a stop and looking up just in time for one of the heads to lurch down and nab them. Despite being gigantic it still consistently managed to not only move around unseen, it actually sneaks up on people.

And if that wasn't enough, there are some serious continuity issues regarding the giant, five-headed snakes' size. It appears to suffer from Deep Star Six syndrome, and by that I mean its size changes depending on what is required of it in the scene. This is highlighted in the climax set inside its lair where it seems to shrink and enlarge at random. Each head is the size of an automobile and its cave entrance only appears big enough to fit one head and neck at a time so we don't even get an explanation as to how the thing even manages to get inside this cave chamber to begin with. Heck, at one point, this gargantuan serpent even manages to hide underwater in a small river just waiting to spring out and surprise someone. Good grief!

These are just the problems with the monster. And don't argue suspension of disbelief because there is a huge difference between suspension of disbelief and insulting one's intelligence. Worst of all, the CGI used to bring the giant, five-headed snake is some of the least convincing I've ever seen in a Sci-Fi Channel movie, and believe me, that is really saying something.

The fact that the monster turned out to be such a conceptual catastrophe is kind of a good thing because I'd hate to see a potentially cool movie monster wasted on a production as lame, formulaic, and downright dull as this stinker was. A complete waste of time and energy.

This was one hell of a stinker. Comparing this to an early Dr Who episode from 1960's Who had the worse scrip: The Snake King Who had the worse dialog: The Snake King Who had the worse acting: The Snake King Who was more predictable: The Snake King Who had the most fake special effects: The Snake King (This is going against cardboard cutouts, men in wetsuits, and obvious miniatures.) The Snake King did have one advantage over the Dr Who episode it was in colour.

It does have a good drinking game if you have a drink every bad line or when a henchman gets killed you are more likely to pass-out from alcoholic poisoning than pass halfway through the movie.

Most of the movies Sy-Fy does, reek of a fourth grade writing project and abysmal special effects. This movie may have the same problems, but I can't tell. The only way this movie could hold my attention the first time, is because I am absolutely infatuated with Jayne Heitmeyer on here.

I have probably seen this stinker a dozen times and I'll watch it a dozen more just because of Ms. Heitmeyer. I can't help it! Love the close ups. Love the way she looks at the camera.

In short, I am totally unqualified to judge this movie. Sorry.

One of these days I'll edit out everything but her and use it to replace the beautiful sunsets and mountain views we don't get here in Indiana.

I was real surprised with "Snakeman". It was actually a pretty good little independent movie. First, it was well shot. The director chose to use film instead of digital (which a lot of B-movies) do. And there were some great jungle shots of the Amazon. Second, the movie was fairly well acted. I really thought everyone in the film was a pretty seasoned actor. Stephen Baldwin was definitely a good hero. Third, they had some real cool production design. They had snake pillars in the jungle. I love that whole look.

The only real downside was that there were some fairly bad CGI shots of the snake. But, it's definitely entertaining if you're looking for that whole "monster in the jungle" concept.