The Number One Girl

I saw the cover for this, and being the sucker that I am, fell for it. Is there really anything cooler than a guy with two pistols and explosions? The acting is terrible, I mean TERRIBLE! I'll be glad if I never see Tony Schiena (he was in Jean-Claude Van Damme's Wake of Death, which was very good) or Luc Campeau make another movie. Script, are you kidding me? There is a relentless skirt-chasing A-list movie star,huge British mobster, and a bunch of bimbos out to make a buck; none of it even comes close to adding up. I had to watch the lip syncing scene three times, I can not believe this blatant lip syncing made it through (there is back-up singers on the audio track....) This is not a low budget Chuck Norris/ Jean-Claude movie with tons of action. Even the scene transitions sucked, I've seen better blackouts on Lifetime.

The one star was for Vinnie alone, nothing in this film was worth while. I stupidly bought it because Vinnie Jones is a cool actor, he was brilliant in Lock Stock and has that 'hard man' image down to a tee. I started watching with my mate and you notice the abysmal acting straight away, we thought it might get better but ended up fast forwarding a lot just to get to some action....which was awfully choreographed and poorly acted. Fight to the death!? It's an old cliché, but my grandma could have beaten up tony schiena's character. And what was all the slow-mo scenes about? At least I have a spare DVD case now and, who knows, if I run out of toilet paper I have a back up. If I were Vinnie I would be ashamed that I ever let tony Schiena beat him up...even if it was a movie. (I would have given this a minus number if I could....it's an hour or more of my life I will never get back!)

Amateurish at best but boring at worst, "The Number One Girl" gives even pedestrian R-rated potboilers a bad name. Resist the urge to watch this direct-to-video tripe about a green-eyed gangster, a gorgeous gal, and cretinous action hero. Okay, I realize that Vinnie Jones of "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" endows this movie with some marginal marquee value, and I bought this DVD at a Movie Gallery clearance sale based on Jones and the "Karate Kid" star Pat Morita. The DVD box cover with a sartorially suited Jones holding two automatic pistols in a signature John Woo stance also lured me into shelling out my shekels this execrable epic. Moreover, clocking in at 85 minutes, I thought it would be a blast. Wrong on all counts! "The Number One Girl" makes "The Condemned" look like Oscar winning material. The star—real-life martial arts competitor Tony Schiena of "Wake of Death"—makes Casper Van Dien look like Sir Laurence Olivier. Mind you, Lisa McAllister is a babe, but she is not enough to make this melodramatic muck memorable. Production Manager turned director; Luc Campeau makes a pathetic directorial debut. Granted, "The Defender" scenarist Douglas W. Miller had a modicum of a good idea, but Campeau does nothing invigorating with it. The first big action scene in the beginning has no voltage—even though it's a movie-within-a-movie—and later scenes, particularly the multiple fights in the last quarter-hour are comatose. Incidentally, in the foreshadowing department, one of the characters uses the familiar "Star Wars'" line: 'I got a bad feeling about this." Gee, were they right! Vinnie, making crap like this is going to ruin your credibility. In fact, the less said about this forgettable film, the better. Peruse the other reviews for more details about this drivel, but don't rent, buy, or watch this wretched rubbish. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

.... does a movie so bad, so wooden, so awful, and so painful get made. How this movie was ever green-lighted is beyond me. I can't believe Vinnie Jones agreed to be in this abomination. The acting was worse then that of soft-core porn thespians seen on Cinemax at 4 am. The script must have been written by a retarded monkey, with a typewriter. The director might as well have been Helen Keller. And the soundtrack was some of the worst music I have ever heard in my life. I bet that is the elevator music that plays in hell.

If you haven't figured it out by now..... I hated this movie with all my heart and soul. If I could go back in a time machine and either stop Hitler's reign, or this movie from being made, it would be a difficult choice.

"The Number One Girl" is the front runner for worst movie of the year. I can't hate this movie more if I tried.

The plot is about Joey Scalini (Schiena) who is asked to be a judge in a beauty pageant run by his old friend Dragos Molnar (Jones) who is also a gangster. Joey eventually falls for the title character Tatiana (Lisa McAllister). But Dragos doesn't like that and he goes insane. He closes down the pageant after party and turns it into a fighting ring. Now Joey has to fight Dragos and his bodyguards to the death!

Everything about this movie is absolutely terrible:

The acting: Tony Schiena has put in better work in the Van Damme flick "Wake Of Death" but shows no talent or charisma here. Vinnie Jones needs to get this one off his filmography fast. He's better than Scheina, but not by much.

The pacing and directing: The movie is less than 90 minutes but it feels like an eternity. The directing is filled with static shots of nothing happening. In the pageant scene he's not even trying to cover up the fact that the contestants aren't singing(or acting for that matter).

The fighting: The fight scenes are downright awful. Every move is cut too fast so you can't see what's going on. Seagal's stunt doubles are better than these fighters.

In the end, trust me, you never want to see this... ever!

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