The Poseidon Adventure

I don't remember much about the original because it has been so many years. But surely it was better than this. The sight of a man falling through a stained glass window (one of the clips shown numerous times over the years) seemed much more exciting the first time around.

If this version had any redeeming qualities, it was the story of the troubled Clarke family. Teenage daughter Shelby was cute when she complained and when she fell for the doctor immediately. Later her skills as a nursing student proved valuable. I really liked her younger brother Dylan as he tried to film what was happening on the ship. The parents bickered like any couple having a hard time, and we found out their marriage may have been in real trouble.

I also liked Bishop Schmidt and sort of liked the romantic storyline (assuming he wasn't Catholic, though he probably was) with Belle Rosen.

The woman in charge of the rescue operation, whose name I don't remember, had such a wonderful attitude. Regardless of how many people are saved, it's a tragedy if any die. The actress playing her was good.

The first five minutes were a waste, though, with the type violence one might find in the movies of Jean-Claude Van Damme. I can't really evaluate the quality of what happened after the terrorist act which, combined with some poor judgment by the captain during a storm, led to you-know-what. For one thing, my NBC signal wasn't good that night. From what I could tell, nothing was spectacular. The rescue efforts by those on the ship and outside the ship were interesting at best. I really got tired of the fighting over who was in charge.

The only purpose for a remake was introducing modern technology. Not really worth it.

On the surface, a movie like the Poseidon Adventure is almost impossible to screw up. Put a bunch of well known faces on the screen in a life or death situation and you should have something compelling and interesting. Sadly, this is not the case in this below average remake. That's because the script never developed the characters enough to allow us to empathize with or feel for them. The death of Mrs. Rosen is a prime example: in the original it made you cry, not only for her, but for her husband and Gene Hackman's Reverand Scott. Here, she was a widow who's only contribution was to udder silly reminisces about her dead husband Manny. Her death was like "Goodbye Mrs. Rosen, we hardly knew yee", as Rutger Haurer's character appears only mildy disturbed, as if her death is an unneeded distraction. Furthermore, the direction was unsuccessful in creating the suspense and sense of impending doom that dominated the original. There is no conflict or tension between the characters like in the first either, mainly because there is no definitive leader of the group akin to Reverand Scott. What it comes down to is you can't have a disaster movie where you can't relate to the characters and fully appreciate the danger they're in. That's what it's about. Any discussion of special effects and the plausibility of the plot is just ancillary.

OK, this movie was not saved even by ADAM BALDWIN!! And what's up with ROBOCOP getting shot so soon in the movie? He was horrible!! And he was drinking on duty? And then there is that dude from Police Academy. Oh my GOD he was sad. When he said "Cruiseships are not supposed to capsize" I almost barfed out a lung. I mean, this was sad. Then there is Rutger Hauer and C Thomas Howell as a Priest and Ships doctor respectively? I was half expecting Rutger to allude to "The Hitcher" and talk about the juice that spurts out of an eyeball when stabbed. Then there is that dude who is a poor man's Michael Caine! Yes, that annoying Aussie from Cocktail. He was PATHETIC as a poorly baked cake on Hitler's birthday. His acting was sad and NOT good. Then there was this CRUISE SHIP that TERRORISTS happened to infiltrate? I have been on Carnival Cruise Line and trust me, there are NO TERRORIST LOOKING DUDES EVEN ALLOWED to work on those boats!! If you look like HodGee from Johnny Qwest, then you DO NOT GET HIRED! Avoid this movie and save yourself from TORTURE IN THE NINTH DEGREE OF HELL!

I am a huge fan of the original 1972 classic......They ruined, butchered the original. How this ever got approved is beyond me? They should of retitled this "The Love Boat: The Sinking"......I mean that is what I felt like I was watching. You get a bunch of actors that should of put on The Surreal Life and put them in this......There is nothing about this remake that even comes close to the original. The whole entire movie was rewritten......Not even a tidal wave, guys come on.......Oh and the terrorist plot how genius....NOT!! This piece of garbage is laughable and a disgrace......I would rather sit and watch Barney by myself for two hours! I have never seen a worse remake of a movie. The remake of Carrie came close but this takes the cake!!!! This is S.S. Disaster!!!!! Way to go!!!

How can I begin? It should have been called The Love Boat VII. There is nothing even interesting about this movie. Would anyone involved win this movie use it on their CV? It was one of four movies on a $5 DVD in the delete bin at Walmart. This movie cost $1.25 and at that was overpriced. I noticed that the Australian version of this thing was considerably shorter than the general release version and had we not fast forwarded through every piece of "significant" dialogue I would have kicked myself for not searching out the Aussie release.

I am somewhat grateful however knowing that should I decide to finish my story about the workday of a toll-booth collector, there are producers out there waiting. Rutger Hauer and Steve Gutenberg are already cast.

A chimpanzee could write a better screenplay by sticking a crayon where the sun don't shine and squatting over a copy of the National Enquirer.