Kaal

'Crouching Tiger, Hiding Viewer!'

Kaal Dir- Soham Cast- Vivek Oberoi, John Abraham, Lara Dutta, Esha Deol, Vishal Malhotra, Vineet Sharma and Ajay Devgan. Written by- Soham Rating- *

Man-eating tigers are the least horrifying aspect of 'Kaal'- Karan Johar's Dharma Productions and Shahrukh Khan's Red Chillies Entertainment's valiant march into Varma's world! There's a much more dangerous threat lurking in the reels of this debacle! It appears as if the whole cast is infected with a virus that induces horrendously low levels of acting! In what must be a brilliant achievement- Soham has managed to extract impossibly bad performances not only from 'specialists at bad acting' like Esha Deol and Lara Dutta, but even from the talented Vivek Oberoi and the highly gifted Ajay Devgan.

That leaves us with John Abraham. Don't worry, he's pathetic too! We are first introduced to his toned abdomen while he is running and then, shown him serenading with a python! Some gay fantasy, this! Thankfully, we are also informed that he works with the National Geographic and has a wife, Riya(Esha Deol). Krish(Johnny boy!) and Riya head off to the jungle of Orbit Park to investigate an increasing number of suspicious killings, apparently by tigers. Jungle mein mangal? Orbit(Corbett rechristened?!?) Park incidentally boasts the largest number of tigers in India. Also on their way to this tigerland are a group of city-bred animals- Dev(Vivek Oberoi), Ishika(Lara Dutta), Vishal(Vishal Malhotra) and Sajid(Kushal Punjabi). A car-breakdown and a 'mrityunjaya mantra' reciting weirdo(Vineet Sharma) later, our animals encounter the python-lover and his lover! A few more reels and a few more killings! Enter Kali Pratap Singh(Ajay Devgan), a mysterious villager who offers to help them get out of the jungle. All things aside, Ajay Devgan's entrance is a crackling scene that actually gives one the goose bumps, unlike the creepy scenes which were meant to…but never do! The time by which this bunch runs away from the jungle, a few more surprises are revealed. A good student of cinema will see the twist coming a long way before it actually does. And while that takes away from the thrill of the revelation, what hurts more is the script's sudden jumping of genres. A bad case of identity crisis- the script is unsure whether it is a thriller or a horror! So while the movie promises you a wild thriller in the first half, it resorts to the supernatural in the latter half!

The screenplay moves at a turgid pace with no significant episode in the first three-quarters of an hour. Desperate attempts at making the audiences jump from their seats result in loud guffaws. Sample this- we are led to believe that an anonymous hand is about to cause some terror to a character only to be revealed that the hand in question is the character's own! Hands down, the most stupid scene! Also stupid is Lara Dutta exercising her vocal chords in a role that she has screamed her way through! Vivek Oberoi makes more facial contortions than a constipated man while Esha Deol redefines poor acting and looks like she's straight out of a lingerie ad for a tiger-skin brassiere! The usually dependable Ajay Devgan is made to mouth lines that are far below his acting quotient. The only decent act comes from Vineet Kumar as Bagga. The sound by Dwarak Warrier is brilliant but overused to a nauseating effect.

In a nutshell, Dharma is no Varma! All the monkey-screeches, tiger-roars, owl-howls and Lara-screams add up to one excruciating visit to the cinema hall! A toddler behind me kept insisting his father to leave the theater and go home. Actually, he was voicing the sentiments of all present!

• Abhishek Bandekar

Rating- *

* Poor ** Average *** Good **** Very Good ***** Excellent

29th April, 2005

When you have a reputable banner, Dharma Productions, BIG stars-Shah Rukh Khan and Karan Johar, and a fantastic publicity campaign backing a film, you KNOW the movie will make money. The fantastic start that KAAL has got at the box office is obviously, no surprise. But, the movie, dear Dharma productions, is sad, bad and very boring.

The movie is about John Abraham, a tiger expert working for National Geographic, his photographer wife, Esha Deol who goto Orbit Park to unearth the secrets of man-eating tigers. Surprisingly, this happens without any information to the channel, and they just land up there and try explore. The story then brings in Vivek Oberoi, Lara Dutta and their two friends, all of whom are on vacation, and as their car breaks down, a sudden turn of events lands them at Orbit Park, and after they meet Abraham and Deol, the story moves on. They meet the tigers and Ajay Devgan later, and soon tragedies happen around them, and I wouldn't spoil that for anyone who'd want to see this ridiculous excuse of a movie, which has no narrative and pace.

Soham tries to make his audience THINK. Like Oberoi lighting the cigarette and Abraham making that scary face. Obviously, the audience add two and two and make i four, but Mr. Soham is no Hitchcock. Dude, when you throw in something confusing at least offer an explanation for it. THAT's what makes the movie interesting and adds repeat value. Remember when Kevin Spacey says "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was to convince the world that he did not exist" or when Haley Joel Osement says "I see dead people around...the big problem is they themselves do not know they're dead"...well, it all had a meaning! Oberoi saying "smoking kills" and then smoking, eeesh! Care to explain? There are a gazillion more loop holes! A lot of people have spoken about the 'mixed reactions' the movie as got. Heck, the movie has got bad reviews everywhere, except for from Mr. Taran Adarsh, leading trade analyst. And that makes me think, why and how. Quite simply, he is obsessed with everything Karan Johar and ShahRukh Khan do. And he has no qualms about it either. He'd even rate admittedly bad things from the Khan-Johar camp and make them sound good. So, when such a reputed analyst rates the film so highly, most of the audiences are given further incentive to go watch the film.

I remember when DHOOM released, Mr. Adarsh very categorically said that "after the initial hype, this movie will die down". Taran, DHOOM was still an entertainer. KAAL, to which you give 4 stars out of 5, is dull. You may love Johar and SRK, but call a spade a spade man! I'd give this movie a */***** and that too for the brilliant sound, and the very first item number on SRK and the hot hot Malaika. The movie is downhill from there. Of course, SRK and Johar would go laughing to the bank, but guys, please don't torture us like this anymore.

Pride is what caused Kaal. I could somehow feel Karan Johar in each and every shot, and the forced acting, the worst use of the wide angle, funny jungle sounds you could buy on a cheap CD, and of course, Shah Rukh Khan and Mallaika. For a moment it seemed more like a Pepsi Commercial, and a badly directed one at that. Strangers meet in jungle, hacked one by one, until they come upon the big secret, something that you'll guess anyway within the first fifteen minutes of the movie. the only person it might fool is someone sleeping through the movie. The Director must have really begged to get this chance, and Karan Johar must have been desperately bored. Some claim this film is a hit. Of course it will be. That's why Shah Rukh appears at the beginning, to tell us: "it's all right! this kind of crap is endorsed by me, see?" The movie is an insult to the paying-public. Of course, only a Karan Johar can get away with such blatant disrespect, with his already immoral films setting the trends for today's youngsters. while aditya chopra strives for morals, karan johar exploits the lack of it. True, he does vibe well with the public. But for how long?

Kaal – it's all about living up to your promise.

Yes, Kaal promised much. A songless thriller from The Karan Johar stable! Set in Jim Corbett, an array of dazzling stars, an item number from the Chaiyya Chaiyya pair and a man eater tiger to moot. And super cool promos which got most of us excited.

But alas, kaal is all about a great promo and an ordinary product. It pretty much falls in the slasher fest genre which studiously sticks to the following rules

1.Loud is scary. Yes, every scene is recorded with high pitched sound and screechy noises! Sure there could be a better way of scaring people. 2.The hero's best friends are the first to be killed. Here the character Vishal, dies twice in five minutes, if once was not bad enough. 3.Point the needle of suspicion on the main characters and get them into a scuffle. We do not even get to see John and Vivek fight. The way their girl friends, get them to back off has to be seen to be believed. 4.Have one scary dream sequence in the middle of nowhere, and expect the audience to wake up after that! 5.Headless corpses are a must; throw a couple of them for good effect.

But, hey this movie is set in Jim Corbett (read Orbit Park) and we need to talk about tiger conservation. Remember we have a marketing tie up with Nat Geo. Sure show a hanging owl and langoor dangling from a tree every twenty minutes and a python wrapped around John's torso (strong suspicion that Karan insisted on this shot). And John is after all a "Tiger expert" working with Nat Geo.

The acting skills in a slasher fest are strictly limited to the women shrieking, screaming, running and obviously dressed in skimpy clothes (remember no songs for such displays). And the men , Vivek Oberoi has perfected the art of being Mr. Irritating (with kajal and lipstick make up !) and considering his acting skills are rather limited , one can be rest assured his real life persona is not way different ( now do we blame Sallu for wanting to bash him up). Devgan who has a psychobabble mumbo jumbo background score blaring as he enters, has a staff to cover his face and his intense brooding eyes hope to add to the terror. John looks good and it's a little too much to expect him to act.

Yes, Kaal is all this and more! Do watch it, you would never complain about why Karan Johar makes the same kind of KKHH, KHNH, K3G movies. He should leave this genre to the Ramus of the world and not to forget the director of this venture is Soham Ali (he was assistant to both Ramu and Karan prior to this). One piece of advise to Soham, stick to assisting, it's not such a bad thing.

Plot Outline: Tourists Dev (Vivek Oberoi), Ishika (Lara Dutta) and two friends explore Orbit National Park, a tiger haven. They meet Wildlife experts Krish (John Abraham) and Riya (Esha Deol) who are exploring recent mysterious man-eater killings for National Geographic Channel. They are joined by Kali (Ajay Devgan) who takes up the challenge of guiding them though the mysteries of the jungle.

Comment: Kaal is pot-pourri of Ram Gopal Verma and Karan Johar's styles since Writer/Director Soham had been an assistant to both. RGV's style is visible in the thriller plot, pale ghosts and bizarre deaths. Johar didn't forget to cast SRK, this time in an Item number. The movie shares similarities with Ghost and the Darkness, Wrong Turn, etc.

There isn't much acting to see, thanks to the incoherent script and lack of room for characters to grow. Music is decent; choreography is stereotype. Jim Corbett National Park is well captured. No wonder they are facing a suit for the alleged violation of the Wildlife act.

Rating: 2/5