Sapphire Girls

"Ben Turner is the sexiest, kindest, gentlest, most charming man I have ever met."

Jade Dunbar says this line numerous times in the middle of "Sapphire Girls", and that was truly the only funny line in this film.

We begin with said Sapphire Girls--an all-girl rock band consisting of three kooky characters--Chrystal (Elizarah) the lead guitarist, Jade (Jodie Moore) the bass player, and Ruby (Mary Carey--yes, THAT Mary Carey) the drummer. They were once a hot commodity, but now they've been relegated to menial jobs and Ruby is now banging random guys in her van (as we see at the beginning of the film). An enterprising producer, Ben Turner (Tony Brale), has offered to let the girls use his studio to record their comeback album, so off they go to his house, where they get drunk, get naked by the pool, and participate in the usual hijinks.

However, there's a fiendish plot taking place as well. Ben Turner is conspiring with a scientist, Dr. Wuhrman (Dugan Hayes, a longtime softcore regular) to create a potion that will give a person the power to control the minds of others--all it takes is a "switch", such as a snap of the fingers or a "magic word"--to turn it on. Of course, Ben plans to use it on the girls, and use their music to control the minds of everyone who buys their album, which he hopes is many millions of people.

Far-fetched storyline aside, we're really here for the sex, and if you're expecting the best, look elsewhere. The sex scenes are bogged down with a cheesy rock soundtrack and uninspiring performances. I would think that Mary Carey, being a veteran of many pornos, would at least make her sex scenes look very real--but unfortunately they're as bad as the others. Jodie Moore, an Australian-born hottie who also dabbles in porn, had a couple of decent scenes.

There's a guy who works as a gardener of some sort on the premises, but he's actually a secret spy trying to bring down Ben's operation. He asks the girls to help him as "deputy spies." A bad storyline just got worse. Let's not go any further with that, it just gets stupid later on.

Overall, this film is NOT tapeworthy, but if you're in the mood for a laugh and a fair amount of nudity, "Sapphire Girls" won't disappoint. It's not stupidly funny like "Bikini Airways" was, but it'll do in a pinch.

Women: A- (I will give this movie credit in one category--the women. Mary Carey, as bad an actress as she is, has an awesome body. It's too bad it wasn't used to its full potential in this film. Jodie Moore is great looking as well, and her Australian accent was a big plus. Nicole Oring, playing Ben's hot Asian assistant, was great also.)

Sex: D+ (Lower the volume on the stupid music, please. It detracts from the sex going on. A couple of the scenes were okay, but overall they were pretty by-the-numbers and uninspiring.)

Story: D (I'm being VERY generous by giving this movie a D in this category. The plot was way out there to start with, but at least it didn't end in a stupid fashion. The girls singing a lullaby to put everyone to sleep at the end was pretty funny.)

Overall: D (Since the "Women" grade and "Sex" grade are of equal weight, they end up cancelling each other out. If this is the best Silhouette Entertainment can come up with, they might as well close up the studio right now. It was funny in spurts, and the women were nice looking, but the sex looked fake and it didn't seem like the people involved were "into it." On any given night, if this is the only softcore film on, by all means watch it. But if you've got other choices, go there first.)

The only redeeming quality this movie could possibly have had was a series of soft core scenes well shot with an eye to detail. That, unfortunately did not happen. The plot, what there is of it, is poorly thought out and does not sustain ones' interest unless you are looking for a primer on how not to script a movie. The actresses are no where near the quality of Kim Dawson or Tane Mc Clure and are never seen satisfyingly naked in the sex scenes, much less from the multiple camera angles one expects from a T&A opus. The company that produced this must have had the idea that they were making a real movie so they used the tease of Mary Carey and the other women to draw viewers who would then be amazed at the quality of the film just watched. It would be so nice if when making a T&A movie, the people responsible would simply make a mindless movie with lots of naked female flesh and leave the really bad film making to Ed Wood. Please do not expect anything from this excrescence other than the loss of hard earned dollars. Go watch Mary in a film that shows her abilities to the max.

I've seen a lot of movies in my day. I've seen a lot of bad movies, more than I can count but this one takes the trophy for being the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.

First, I rented this movie being an avid music lover and being glad there's a movie around a band. Not only a band, but a chick band. My expectations were a little mixed. So I rented it and decided to give it a try. It was so bad that I wanted to finish it so I can say how bad it was with having seen the whole movie.

The characters in this movie are all idiots and need to be shot. Lets look at the guy in "No-won" which was stupid joke to begin with. That guy was such a tool if he was going to get help from three dumb chicks. I mean he hit a guy with a frying pan. Surely out of all his training, he could done something a little more professional. The whole pill idea just lost me.

Lets not forget, the thing that bugs me most about this movie is that the girls aren't even playing their instruments correctly. It seems like they've never even picked up an instrument before. It was poorly done and I just ordered the movie. I feel that I should own the best movie made of all time and the worst movie ever made of all time. I mean some movies are so bad, they're good, but this one is nothing anywhere close to that. Check it out if you want to have a good laugh and be horrified beyond believe that someone actually paid money to have this movie be made.

Hapless singers (Ruby, Jade, Crystal) rejoin for a performance and tour at the invitation of mysterious benefactor Ben Turner, who secretly endeavors to market a hypnotic suggestion trance serum to any and all evil international agents after stealing the potion from US Army developers. The girls eventually stumble onto the nefarious plot, and with the help of agent Chet, accept the challenge to stop the evil plot and avoid capture, entrancement, and enslavement, while Saving America for Motherhood and Apple Pie. (We're not convinced that they have much interest in saving America for God.)

There are many sexy interludes, lots of skin bared, and some girl-on-girl. Ben is a handsome, though evil, dude, and some of the gals are quite lovely: Jodie Moore (as Jade) and Nicole Oring (as Ilona, compliant assistant to Ben Turner) are especially fetching, and Elizarah (as Crystal Diamond) is appealing, but Mary Carey (as Ruby) is a bit too fleshy.

The story is accompanied by a few pop-music performances, which may be cute but not memorable. The three protagonists play as "California girls", naive "O-My-God" types, who do not always fit. When any of the singers display occasional insight, suspicion, or initiative, she performs contrary to the "California girl" stereotype established earlier. As for the actors, it gets worse: the men are incredibly shallow characters.

The acting is not very convincing, and the plot is a bit silly, but the movie is OK as a skin show.

Sex: B, Good. Multiple sexual encounters, fairly erotic.

Women: B, Good. Several are sexy and beautiful.

Men: B. Adequate, but even less intellectually stimulating than the "California girls".

Story: C, weaker than usual for cable soft-porn.

Acting: C. Inconsistent.

Overall: C+. Satisfying skin flick, not an uplifting classic.

Mary Carey, Jodie Moore, and Elizarah (two of which ran for elected office, Mary in Califonia, Jodie in Austraila) are the Saphire Girls, a rock group that stumbles on a secret plan to..well to do something sinister. The over-reliance on "rock" music, especially in the sex scenes is a huge travesty. The acting is horrid and the sex scenes aren't that good. Still fans of either Carey or Moore might sit through it once and it was FAR from the worst softcore flick I've seen.

The Goods: 6 sex scenes (m/f, m/f/f)

Babe of the Movie: Mary Carey (even if she was only in one real sex scene)

My Grade:D

Where I Saw It: Cinemax