- Lulu Plummer: Do you know Kung Fu?
- Shane Wolfe: Yes.
- Lulu Plummer: Have you ever hit a guy so hard his head came off?
- Shane Wolfe: No.
- Lulu Plummer: Why are your boobs so big?
- Shane Wolfe: [shocked] They are not... boobs.
- Lulu Plummer: Do you have to wear a bra?
- Shane Wolfe: What?
- Lulu Plummer: Will mine be as big as yours one day?
- Shane Wolfe: Isn't it about time you go nappy-poo in beddy-bye land?
- Lulu Plummer: Do I look like I'm five?
- Shane Wolfe: What did I say?
- Lulu Plummer: Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you.
- Shane Wolfe: When you're down and low, lower than the floor, And you feel like you ain't got a chance. Bom, bom, bom, Don't make a move till you're in the groove And do the Peter Panda Dance:
- [Clap twice]
- Shane Wolfe: 'Just hop three times like a kangaroo, Side-step twice just like those/the crabs do, Three steps forward, one step back. Quick like a turtle, lie on your back!
- [Whispering]
- Shane Wolfe: 'Roll like a log till you can't roll no more!' Better jump up quick like there ain't no floor, Hold your breath, and jump/step/slide to the left'; And that's the Peter, I swear that's the Peter, That's the Peter Panda Dance!
- [And then he goes on and say]
- Shane Wolfe: Goodnight, Peter Panda!
- Shane Wolfe: Mrs. Plummer, I will personally make sure your kids are...
- [Gary the Duck bites him in the ear]
- Shane Wolfe: Oh, my God!
- Julie Plummer: [puts Gary down] Sorry, that's Gary. He was Howard's.
- Shane Wolfe: He bit me!
- Julie Plummer: I know. He thinks he's a guard dog.
- Shane Wolfe: [after Seth has gone to his room] Where's the older male? There were five.
- Helga: [fearfully] He walks like Dracula, silent as the dead.
- Zoe Plummer: He's in his room.
- [after Shane lets Zoe drive the family to school, Lulu tumbles out of the car]
- Lulu Plummer: [kissing the ground] Land! Solid land!
- Seth Plummer: [as they're being chased by the police] Zoey, you're going too fast! You're not gonna have enough time to stop!
- Zoe Plummer: Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking!
- Director: We open in a week, people! The set isn't finished. Mother Abbess just quit because she has shingles. And, every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave just so he could have a heart attack again!
- Seth Plummer: I'll get it right.
- Director: No, you won't. You and your... *mother* over here can't get it right. And, I know this because I am a professional. I directed Show Boat with Greg Brady. It wasn't union, but it was good. Good! Good! Good!
- [puts hand up to rest up against prop, but crashes through it and falls down and then gets up and straightens himself out]
- Director: Obviously, I quit!
- Helga: [to Shane] Are you licensed to kill?
- Shane Wolfe: No, why?
- Helga: Too bad. It could have come in handy.
- Seth Plummer: [Shane kicks in Seth's bedroom door - Seth exits the bathroom] Oh my god! What did you do?
- Shane Wolfe: I was trying to protect you!
- Seth Plummer: How? By pulling a shock-and-awe on my door?
- Shane Wolfe: I can fix that.
- Seth Plummer: No you can't! It's broken in half!
- Mr. Chun: [Seth sprays him in the face with a fire extinguisher] That stuff doesn't hurt.
- [Seth hits him in the face with the extinguisher]
- [when Lulu's tracker alarm beeps, Shane runs to her classroom, opens the door, and rolls in, ready for action - and sees the class staring at him, while Lulu is doing "show and tell."]
- Lulu Plummer: See? But he usually breaks down the door.
- [from trailer]
- Shane Wolfe: [to the kids he's watching] I'm never gonna be able to remember your names so you're Red One, Red Two, Red Three, Red Baby.
- Lulu Plummer: I can cross my eyes, wanna see?
- Shane Wolfe: No!
- Lulu Plummer: [crosses her eyes, then baby Tyler cries] He hates it when I do that.
- Shane Wolfe: I know the feeling.
- Shane Wolfe: [garage door opens, and the family van is revealed] What is it?
- Seth Plummer: It's a "minivan".
- Shane Wolfe: [making it up as he goes] Once upon a time, there was a family of... elves. And one day the... little elf... family went into the magic forest to look for a secret... gnome... facility. The gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium, so three of the elves laid down heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes, while the others manoeuvered around to the right flank, killing all those left alive.
- Shane Wolfe: [to Zoe's boyfriend, Scott] Give me twenty!
- [Scott pulls out his wallet]
- Shane Wolfe: I mean push-ups!
- Julie Plummer: [after hitting Mrs. Chen and knocking her unconscious] She was never really a good neighbor.
- Julie Plummer: I trusted you... Howard trusted you... you betrayed us... and you betrayed your country.
- Capt. Bill Fawcett: Guess what? North Korea pays better.
- First Junior Grizzly: Hey Skeever, what do you put in a jar and shake till they're dead?
- Second Junior Grizzly: Fireflies!
- Lulu Plummer: [Upon arriving to party taking place at the house] Holy bologna, someone's gonna get busted.
- Shane Wolfe: From this position, it is relatively easy to manipulate your opponent. Thus we have the chicken wing, the arm bar, the crow bar and my personal favorite - the pacifier.
- [when Mr. Chun is distracted, the Plummer children escape the room, except Lulu]
- Lulu Plummer: [strikes a karate pose...] AY-YA!
- Mr. Chun: [sneers] That's cute.
- [... and kicks him in the crotch, before fleeing with the others]
- Shane Wolfe: They were after this.
- [He loads the "GHOST" disc into laptop, the movie "Ghost" begins playing]
- Lulu Plummer: They want our "Ghost" movie? Haven't they heard of Blockbuster?
- Shane Wolfe: Think of it as a Bradley Assault Vehicle.
- Seth Plummer: Yeah, especially with Zoe driving.
- Vice Principal Murney: [upon meeting Shane] I'm Vice Principal Murney, or Murnanator as the wrestling team calls me. My friends call me Little Puppet.
- Shane Wolfe: [to Vice Principle Murney] I can't today, I'm on duty...
- Vice Principal Murney: [to Shane] Oh yeah, you're babysitting. More like "doo-doo duty."
- Zoe Plummer: [about the people at the party] Who are all these people?
- Scott: I don't know.
- Zoe Plummer: We need to talk.
- Scott: Don't hate the player, girl, hate the game.
- Lulu Plummer: [Lulu walks up to Shane] Hi. Zoe says you look like the Hulk; I think you're cute.
- Shane Wolfe: [Uncomfortably] Thank you.
- Lulu Plummer: Do you do Kung Fu?
- Shane Wolfe: Yes.
- Lulu Plummer: Did you ever punch someone so hard that their head came off?
- Shane Wolfe: No.
- Lulu Plummer: Why are your boobs so big?
- Shane Wolfe: [Offended] They're NOT boobs.
- Lulu Plummer: Do you have to wear a bra?
- [Shane walks into the other room. Lulu follows him]
- Lulu Plummer: So will my boobs get as big as yours someday?
- Shane Wolfe: You know, little girl, I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.
- Lulu Plummer: Do I look like I'm five to you?
- [Crossly walks away]
- Shane Wolfe: What did I say?
- Lulu Plummer: Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you!
- [Slams door]
- Shane Wolfe: Give me twenty.
- [Scott reaches for his wallet]
- Shane Wolfe: I meant push-ups!
- Scott: [uncomfortably] Zoe?
- Shane Wolfe: Drop down! Do twenty!
- [Scott drops down on the ground and begins doing push-ups. Shane begins to count]
- Shane Wolfe: One...
- Zoe Plummer: [Shane continues to count] OK, this is not the Army or the Navy!
- [Later after Scott is gone, Zoe is going upstairs angrily]
- Zoe Plummer: Real nice move, Lt. Smooth! Now he'll probably never want to see me again!
- Shane Wolfe: Then I did you a favor.
- Zoe Plummer: Whoa! Personal bubble invasion.
- Shane Wolfe: [Lulu has talked Shane into leading her troop] Tonight, I'm your den mother. That means if you want to live to see tomorrow, you will do everything I say. Do we understand each other?
- Firefly Girl Scout: Den mother, you frighten me.
- Shane Wolfe: Good.
- Shane Wolfe: Tracking devices. Never take them off. The panic button is for emergencies only. Touch that you'd better be dying or you're dead.
- Zoe Plummer: I would rather chew off my arm then wear that, just because my mom is paranoid doesn't mean we have to take orders from you.
- Shane Wolfe: Let me explain to you have a chain of command works. I tell you what to do
- [suddenly shouts]
- Shane Wolfe: AND YOU DO IT!
- [Regular tone]
- Shane Wolfe: End of chain.