Triads, Yardies & Onion Bhajees!

We bought this film thinking and believing it was going to be a great British gangster film- comparing itself to Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, we have yet to discover the comparison! The story/plot seemed like a winning formula- we were very wrong. The acting other than Dave Courtney was atrocious, and the most laughable one being that of the main character/hardman Singh. We couldn't take it seriously we found it all so bizarre and not at all close to that of real life gangsters and gangs, I can't go any deeper into that without giving some of the plot away. We presumed it was filmed in black and white as it looked even worse in colour. Had this film been more realistic and better actors used-not so wooden and reading from a script it could have been enjoyable.We had to laugh at the end that we had sat and watched it all. Do not be sucked in to the false advertising on the cover a complete waste of time.

The grainy black and white I totally get. The lack of engaging plot is not the worst I've ever known.

But what kills this film from within the first couple of minutes is the atrocious acting. I'd go so far as to say they were just reading an autocue! I've seen better acting from Joey in Friends and in my high school drama class.

I am a fan of cheesy, bad movies but this is so poorly acted, it makes the whole film completely unwatchable.

Only once before in over 30 years have I not watched a film to the very end, including every bad TV movie you can think of... But this is now the second.

Save your money - Go watch a 1970s adult film where the mustachioed plumber comes to fix the fridge. It's more convincing!!

I had very high hopes for this film. It had won the best black and Asian film category at Cannes so i thought there must be something in it that warranted such high acclaim. I downloaded the trailer and viewing it made me even more excited about watching this film. The trailer was fantastic and made the film look like it was the best film ever made. I finally got the chance to view it at the Metro Cinema in Derby. I took my wife along with me. One of my best friends from school was one of the actors in the film, he played a character called Rocky. I had excitedly told my wife how good this film was going to be so you can imagine my disappointment when i finally did get to see it. I just didn't get it. The picture was grainy but i put that down to it being an artistic film. The acting was poor but i put that down to inexperience. The story was sketchy and by then i had ran out of excuses. It was so poor that i walked out before the film had ended. I never do that normally but i really was not bothered how this film ended as it would have made no difference to my overall opinion of it. If only the film was as good as the trailer, it would have been a classic. Sorry my friend, i'm just being honest.

The 2000s were full of LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARREL rip-offs as producers and directors found themselves keen to replicate the success of Guy Ritchie's career. Few succeeded, and when you see the quality of a film like TRIADS, YARDIES & ONION BHAJEES! You can see why. This is a totally terrible, cheap, amateurish attempt at a gangster movie, telling the story of warring gangs. Every word is stilted, every performance diabolical, and the whole thing is aggressively racist. It was made in black and white for no real reason, and bullet hits are animated by some of the worst computer graphics you'll ever see. A film to truly avoid like the plague.

At long last I get to review one of my favourite films of recent years. I got to see this while a student in Leicester in an art-house cinema. Triads, Yardies... blows away every stereotype concerning the British Asian community. The film belongs to newcomer Manish Patel (Singh) who literally steals the show as well as the cash and the girl (in the story!). Very few actors achieve cult status in their debut films but it appears that Patel has done this by the bucket load. Getting Dave Courtney (Mad Dave) to portray the head of the English mob was an inspired move. Remember, Guy Ritchie had earmarked this actor for the roles Vinnie Jones played in Lock, Stock... and Snatch. The fact this film is based on a very real four way gang war between the Indians, Chinese, Jamaicans and the English mobs for control of London's cocaine trade is a secondary story line. The main story arc is about a hit-man's (Patel) love for a woman and the heist of ten million dollars from Heathrow Airport. It is a shame this film was only screened at art-house cinemas as it would have made some serious cash at the multiplexes.