Cauldron: Baptism of Blood

Ted Mikels is one of the worst living directors. Among the supremely awful films Mr. Mikels has made are "Astro Zombies", "Girl in Gold Boots" (in the IMDb Bottom 100 but perhaps his best film!), "Corpse Grinders" and "Blood Orgy of the She-Devils". It's odd, though, that his horrible films of the 1960s and 70s are actually MUCH better than his recent productions. You would think that he would have been bound to improve with practice, but this is not the case. In recent years, Mikels has made some direct to DVD films that feature even worse production values than his older films--films that don't even seem to attempt to be watchable or professional. I've recently watched two of them, "Cauldron: Baptism of Blood" (2004) and "Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice" (1997). They don't appear to have much in the way of scripts, the dialog seems unrehearsed and random and the production values are WORSE than most YouTube videos--and to save costs, Mikels himself appears in the films.

"Cauldron: Baptism of Blood" doesn't have a clear plot. Instead, it seems like a lot of related vignettes shoved together about some sort of devil cult and a woman who wins a talent contest. A witch leads not only a group of scantily clad women in human sacrifices but uses black magic to kill and predict the future. Some of these black magic ceremonies are absolutely hilarious and look more like interviews for "Solid Gold" dancers than devil shenanigans! And, in the middle of all this, a women fire eater randomly performs! This goes on and on and on--as if it will never end and as if Mikels never heard the term 'editing'. This silly dance routine is repeated several times throughout the film and probably accounts for about 50% of the film!! During many of these scenes the most ludicrous computerized devil appears--one you just have to see to believe!

As for the talent show plot, it's supposed to be something like "American Idol"--this is, if all the guests were as talented as William Hung. When a particularly talentless woman wins, she is aided by Satan--who then wants her soul in exchange. So, it's up for the cult of "Solid Gold" dancing witches to capture her and initiate her into their weird little dance troop. Can she be saved? And, more importantly, does anyone care?!

Obviously by my description I think this is a terrible film. But is it worth seeing? After all, many bad films are so stupid that they are fun to watch in order to laugh at the ineptitude. Unfortunately, while "Cauldron: Baptism of Blood" is stupid and laughable, it's also not very watchable because of its glacial pace. While the film is over 100 minutes long, it could have easily been trimmed to 55 or 60 minutes. Incessant shots of relatively unattractive ladies in skimpy clothes writhing about isn't my idea of entertainment! Plus, you'd THINK that a film about a devil cult would be entertaining yet Mikels managed to keep this one from having any excitement about it whatsoever....none. Dull and stupid--that's a bad combination.

By the way, IMDb indicates this one is rated R and has nudity. Nope...no nudity in this one, as this could have only improved the film and Mikels appears to have done everything he could to prevent this one from being entertaining!

The Cauldron: Baptism of Blood is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen, and easily one of the greatest ones ever made. The movie, in a nutshell, is about young girls trading their souls to Satan for fame and fortune, and we all know what happens when we do that....we get punished for it! This film has it all folks. Sorcery, Witchcraft, Satanic Rituals, Black Magic, Paranormal and Psychic Phenomenon, and to top it off...beheadings! The Cauldron is written, directed, produced, photographed and edited(!!) by the great Ted V. Mikels who just keeps pushing out one great film after the other. I would also like to note that there is a demon by the name of "Vessago" in the film who is beyond creepy and very scary. Something that's hard to find in today's horror films, let alone independent ones. Also, the ritual music that appears in this movie is very accurate to those of satanic rituals and things of that nature. And it's also very catchy too.Another thing is the computer effects. The computer effects in this film is top notch! I've seen multi-million dollar movies that can't pull off CGI that The Cauldron has! Very well directed and scripted The Cauldron will have you at the edge of your seat just waiting to see what happens next! Stay for the ending, whatever you do, it's very very awesome. The dancers in the film aren't too bad to look at either...yet, ANOTHER plus to the film. I would also like to recommend you watch MARK OF THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES along with this for a night of fun and excitement. ENJOY!

CAULDRON: BAPTISM OF BLOOD is a new low in the career of Ted V. Mikels, a man with seemingly no discernible talent behind the camera whatsoever (or in front of it either, come to that, given his cameo appearance here). This film was made under the working title of BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE-DEVILS II and it does have some similarity to that '70s cult film, i.e. it's similarly bad.

Don't go in expecting any plot or normal film-making style here. There's some nonsense about a woman attending a talent show which involves a bunch of old guys sitting around in a room while younger women struggle to act. But 90% of the production consists of the 'witch's coven' sequence, taking place on a single cheap set as a room full of women dance around in their underwear. They're hardly models and they're not actors either, so watching them gyrating for endless screen time is not exactly entertainment. It goes without saying that there's no nudity, just lots of cleavage, and tattoos if that's your thing. There's no gore or violence either aside from a rubber severed head at one point.

Mikels attempts to raise interest by including random inserted footage of fire-eating (!) and a clumsily superimposed 'devil face' which is quite laughable. There isn't much dialogue but that we do hear is delivered in the most stilted way imaginable. The budget for this movie was apparently $50,000 but where that went I have no idea because this looks like it cost nothing to make. It really is one of the worst I've ever seen.

What can I say about this fun movie? He is and has been a true king in his genre. Kellie Karl plays the innocent Stacy who is captured by the coven of witches who ceremoniously prepare for their next sacrifice. Her aspiring ventriloquist boyfriend, played by Tom Lynch is a real cute choice and the perfect hero! If scary movies are your thing, rent this one! You will not be disappointed and might even find yourself getting lost in the moment. Young love, evil intentions, and....well I won't ruin the surprise ending!! What a great movie to rent for a rainy day movie marathon!! This is true Ted V. Mikels form. Thanks Ted...keep 'em coming!

CAULDRON: BAPTISM OF BLOOD is another thudding, sub-sludge offering from the god of such "films", Director Ted V. Mikels. It "stars" several non-actors, not acting in any way like actual actors. Or, living beings for that matter.

There are what appear to be women, wearing the latest in occult fashions. Many tattoos, and basic black "witch" clothes are worn. This fits in nicely with all of the other pseudo-macabre malarkey on display. Bongo drums play, because bongo drums are quite scary.

While these women get their Watusi on, preparing the obligatory human sacrifice, a wobbly, rubber demon looks on as if to say, "What the hell am I doing here?". Soon, Satan himself arrives, sporting his new hillbilly beard.

Red corn syrup flows, as the witchy women boogie on down with themselves. The devil's bongos play on.

Nothing in the history of filmmaking comes close to the "Styrofoam head being lowered into a fish tank" scene! Nothing!

More blocks of wood attempt to resemble humans, as putrid singing, stand-up comedy, and ventriloquism (!!) break out. All followed by further quasi-mumbo jumbo.

An autopsy on the owner of the Styrofoam head is performed in someone's bathroom. Police are perplexed. Mikels himself does a cameo as some sort of "expert". He's far more lifelike than anyone else involved in this cluster-fudge.

WARNING: This "movie" is only for the true lover of cinematic misery! All others may suffer irreversible brain shrinkage! Some reports indicate that a single viewing could cause CCC (Catastrophic Cranial Collapse)!...