- [last lines]
- Garth: Hey, how do you like the new wheels?
- Dick Harper: Nice.
- Garth: Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.
- Dick Harper: Yeah?
- Garth: Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron!
- Dick Harper: Huh.
- Dick Harper: Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?
- Coffee Shop Guy: [stutters] I-I-I think so...
- Dick Harper: Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!
- [With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]
- Blanca: What's a matter? You look sad, Richard.
- Dick Harper: Blanca, call me Dick.
- Dick Harper: I'm pretty sure she's gonna notice her car isn't towed.
- Frank Bascom: Right, I'll stall her.
- [Frank backs his car straight into female banker's car]
- Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?
- Jane Harper: That's not fair! They made you go on that show.
- Dick Harper: Did you hear what they said, Jane? I'm gonna be indicted.
- Jane Harper: Yeah, but you only said what they told you...
- Dick Harper: Indicted, Jane! Indicted! I'm gonna be indicted!
- Jane Harper: No, it's gonna be okay.
- Dick Harper: INDICTED!
- Jane Harper: Honey, Dick...
- Dick Harper: INDICTED!
- Jane Harper: Honey...
- Dick Harper: [runs out of the room] I'M GONNA BE INDICTED!
- Jane Harper: Hold it, they can't. It's gonna be okay, just calm down.
- Dick Harper: [runs back into the room] I can't calm down, I'm gonna be indicted!
- Karen Williams: [Seeing her car smashed] Oh my God, my car! What is wrong with you?
- Frank Bascom: [extremely drunk] What's wrong with me? You're the one parked in a handicapped space!
- Karen Williams: That's not a handicapped space!
- Frank Bascom: It is now!
- Dick Harper: [holding McCallister at gunpoint] I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.
- Jack McCallister: What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?
- Dick Harper: Write me a check.
- Jack McCallister: You are kidding me.
- Jane Harper: Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.
- Dick Harper: [eyes watering, getting emotional] I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.
- Jack McCallister: ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.
- Dick Harper: Gladly.
- [releases grip]
- Jack McCallister: Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.
- [hands him a check for $100]
- Jack McCallister: Y'all take care now.
- [McCallister leaves; Jane approaches a dejected Dick tenderly]
- Jane Harper: Honey... sweetie... give me the squirt gun.
- Dick Harper: [not looking at her] Do you still have McCallister's form?
- Jane Harper: Yeah, why?
- [Dick looks up at her holding McCallister's check]
- Dick Harper: Because I just got his signature.
- [He holds up a fountain pen]
- Dick Harper: Weren't you an art major?
- [Jane realizes that, just like McCallister, she's been had by Dick]
- Jane Harper: [quietly excited] Dick Harper! I was completely fooled! I didn't know you could act!
- Dick Harper: Hon. In 10th grade, I played Biff in "Death of a Salesman". See how I got my eyes all watering up? Yes, sir. It's all right there.
- Frank Bascom: Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?
- Dick Harper: No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?
- [Frank exhales into Dick's face]
- Dick Harper: [sees Jane's swollen face] Aah! Holy hell!
- Jane Harper: I did this little cosmetics test, and I had a little reaction... is it really that bad?
- Dick Harper: No, it's not so bad. It's just... different.
- Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?
- Dick Harper: [singing in elevator to self] I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
- Dick Harper: Every night and every cloudy day
- [drums elevator panel]
- Dick Harper: spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. Catch me goin' through that open do-o-o-r. I believe I can fly-i-i-i.
- Dick Harper: [low voice, man walks by elevator and looks incredulously] I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! Ooow!
- [elevator dings, Dick steps out as though nothing happened]
- Jane Harper: [sees her lawn getting repossessed] Hector, what's going on? What, what happened?
- Hector: Your check go bouncy-bounce. But it's okay, I heard what happened to your husband. Not everybody can afford landscaping like this.
- Jane Harper: Hector, please!
- Hector: I am sorry, Miss Jane.
- Jane Harper: [sees her neighbor] Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO! This is all- everything is all WRONG! I want this out. Roll it all up! I ordered Kentucky Bluegrass! This! Is! GREEN!
- [first title cards]
- Title card: A long, long time ago...
- Title card: in the year 2000...
- Title card: Meet Dick
- Dick Harper: We're all just cavemen, Trying to protect our little patch of land. Well now I've got a club, and I'm gonna take what I need.
- Jane Harper: Maybe you should steal some Prozac
- Kostmart Training Leader: I'll sell you my pee for a hundred dollars. Been off the pipe for two years.
- [snaps]
- Kostmart Training Leader: Thank you Jesus!
- Dick Harper: [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.
- INS Agent: Save it.
- [dragging Dick to deportation bus]
- Dick Harper: No, call my wife... It's ringing
- Billy Harper: [answers the phone] Hola?
- Dick Harper: Billy tell your father he's a winner.
- Billy Harper: Papa es ganador.
- Dick Harper: see?
- Billy Harper: SI!
- [At a bar, Dick gets up on a table and starts acting crazy because he's being indicted for his share of the bummed, worthless Globodyne stock]
- Dick Harper: [blathers; marionette voice] Hello! I'm a corporate puppet...
- [blathers again]
- Dick Harper: ...and I'm going to need some more string, so that I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday without bein' manipulative...
- Dick Harper: [regular voice] by the bullshit!
- Dick Harper: [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?
- Bill: Oh, we can't hire you. We just want to take your picture.
- Jane Harper: [posing as a Jeet Kun Do instructor] My name is Jane and I'll be your instructor here today for beginners' Jee Kum Pow.
- Dick Harper: [composing letter] "It has come to our attention that certain departments have begunn to run into situations." Situations.
- Dick's Secretary: The big boys want to see you upstairs.
- Dick Harper: Which floor? Twentieth?
- Dick's Secretary: [smiles, shakes head]
- Dick Harper: Twenty-sixth?
- Dick's Secretary: [shakes head]
- Dick Harper: Thirty-second?
- Dick's Secretary: [smiles, motions upwards]
- Dick Harper: Not the 51st?
- Dick's Secretary: Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Harper.
- Dick Harper: [giggles] Uh, go ahead and wrap this up.
- Dick's Secretary: Ok.
- Dick Harper: How do I look?
- Dick's Secretary: Great.
- Dick Harper: Anything in my teeth?
- Dick's Secretary: No.
- Dick Harper: [through clenched teeth] I need a paper bag.
- Ameribanx Bank Manager: Let me get back to you. Excuse me.
- Dick Harper: Yes?
- Ameribanx Bank Manager: May I help you?
- Dick Harper: Vault Inspector
- Ameribanx Bank Manager: What happened to Phil?
- Dick Harper: Necrotizing Fasciitis Caused by an invasive streptococcus
- Ameribanx Bank Manager: What?
- Dick Harper: Flesh-eating disorder. Its all over the money. Might wanna wash your hands.
- [brainstorming ways to come up with money]
- Dick Harper: Well... there's always prostitution.
- Jane Harper: Dick!
- Dick Harper: I mean me.
- Head Shop Clerk: Hey man, what can I do you for?
- Dick Harper: [points his gun at the clerk] You can do me for all the money in the till. This is a stickup!
- Head Shop Clerk: Whoa, what's wrong with you, dude?
- Dick Harper: I'm married, that's what's wrong with me!
- [first lines]
- Dick Harper: Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Consolidator.
- [traffic light turns]
- Dick Harper: Oh, no!
- Title card: Run, Dick, Run
- Dick Harper: Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval with a focus in fiber-optic content provision. It's basically a synergy of Web-based and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up.
- Jack McCallister: Dick Harper, Dick Harper, Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the Jews harp.*DH*, DH! You're my Designated Hitter!
- [as they are arrested for their failed bank robbery]
- Oz Peterson: Honey? Honey! I love you!
- Debbie: You quitter! We had hostages!