- Alan Harper: Okay, name three things you would change about me.
- Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
- Evelyn Harper: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
- Rose: [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series] I think that's everything.
- Charlie: What'd you tell your husband?
- Rose: I didn't have to tell him anything. He's in New York for a big fashion show.
- Charlie: Perfect. So what kind of clothes does he design anyway?
- Rose: Men's sports wear mostly.
- Charlie: Anything I might like?
- Rose: No, it's more the kind of stuff Alan would wear.
- Charlie: Oh. So, tacky.
- Rose: I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.
- Charlie: I'll get it.
- Rose: Oh, thanks.
- [realizes he might find out about the mannequinn]
- Rose: Uh-oh.
- Charlie: [opens the closet and sees the mannequinn in front of him] Whoa! I guess the guy brings his work home with him.
- [takes a closer look at the clothes]
- Charlie: Yep. Tacky.
- [grabs Rose's raincoat]
- Charlie: I got it!
- Alan Harper: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!
- Jake Harper: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
- Alan Harper: Okay... I'm not fooling around here! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!
- Jake Harper: I have my doubts, Dad.
- Alan Harper: [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?
- Charlie: No!
- Alan Harper: Why not?
- Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?
- Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3: "Knocking Down the Wall".
- Alan Harper: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled "Bite Me". Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
- Alan Harper: [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
- Evelyn Harper: We are at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
- Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
- [scrolling through contact list]
- Charlie: [sings alphabet] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... Hookers! Hookers, hookers, hookers...
- Alan Harper: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
- Charlie: Pull.
- Alan Harper: A movie would be fine.
- Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
- Jake Harper: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!
- [Alan and Charlie don't laugh and just stare at him]
- Jake Harper: You're not my people.
- Alan Harper: [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!
- Various characters: [repeated line, from women Charlie manages to piss off] You son of a bitch!
- Alan Harper: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
- Jake Harper: Oh, yeah? What's *your* definition of "bloodsoaked vengeance"?
- [repeated line]
- Various characters: Rat bastard!