- Nick Murder: Would you give me one more chance? Please? I'll do anything! Anything! I'll give you anything! I love you. Maybe I don't know how to show it like they do in the movies or in books but I love. I have love to give.
- Cousin Bo: Man is a beast! Take myself, for instance. I see a young girl, get up on a school bus, jeans riding low, showing a thong. My first thought is, "I want to buzz your butt."
- Nick Murder: Two, two things a man should know how to do: Be romantic and smoke his brains out.
- Gene Vincent: I agree.
- Tula: [to Nick Murder] G-strings, push-up bras, teddies, garter belts, crotchless pantyhose. Fuck bloomers. That's what I sell. To rich, tan, bored housewives who take the fat from the ass cheeks and inject it into their lips. You gonna kiss someone's ass then you should know that that's what you're kissing. Personally, I think that kissing's sexier than shagging, but you're sucking on chicken fat there. Not that their husbands mind. You know, they're out buying big homes, buying paintings, going to the fuckin' opera, taking one up the bum for the queen while the misses are out sticking their fannies in my face. "Does my bum look big in this? Can you see my cellulite?" What they need, these women, is a good old-fashioned horse-fuck. They can buy all the new panties they want, but they get stained, don't they? Stained panties are part of life no matter how hard you wipe.
- Tula: I think you're dead sexy. Not at first, then one day I looked up and saw you working with your shirt off and your gut out. That's a man, I said to meself. A real man. Someone to take me down the pub for a pint. You're way too old for me, but I figure you only go around once in life. I got, what, 75 years? Don't get hit by a bus. I want to kiss you, big man. Give you a big sloppy, wet kiss. You won't tell anyone that? Inch by inch the elephant fucked the ant.
- Kitty Kane: What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing.
- Cousin Bo: Who knows what anybody's doing? Some people fear the Lord. I fear women.
- Kitty Kane: What really happened - between you and Roe?
- Cousin Bo: Roe - was my first love. I traced her name in cow shit. She was my first, my last, my everything.
- Kitty Kane: Was it - um - true? I mean that, you had...?
- Cousin Bo: What?
- Kitty Kane: Um, trouble.
- Cousin Bo: Only with Roe. With other chicks, I'm Barry White. I go to the meat market. I'm in and out like car service.
- Nick Murder: Are you circumcised?
- Angelo: What?
- Nick Murder: Are you circumcised?
- Angelo: Circularized?
- Nick Murder: No, circumcised.
- Angelo: My circulation's fine.
- Nick Murder: No, are you circumcised?
- Kitty Kane: [reading from a piece of paper] "If God's gift of grace, Or the light on your face, Could make me forget, Your vagina is wet."
- Nick Murder: Let me see that.
- Kitty Kane: "To Tula, my Tula, my red flower of love."
- Nick Murder: What are you, a private dick?
- Kitty Kane: How different could it be, huh? It's just a hole.
- Nick Murder: You can't incriminate a man over some words.
- Kitty Kane: What do you think you're gonna find there? Peanuts?
- Nick Murder: It's poetry!
- Kitty Kane: You whoremaster. You...
- Nick Murder: No.
- Kitty Kane: Whoremaster. I smoked your ass out. You two-faced Judas!
- Nick Murder: I am not a whoremaster! My brothers, they're the whoremasters! Not me!
- Kitty Kane: Ever since you grew that filthy little moustache!
- Nick Murder: I am not a whoremaster!
- Kitty Kane: Preening in the mirror like Maria Callas! "Put the cologne all over my back, sweetie." I cook you chicken, fish, no butter low-cal this, low-cal that. I trim your nose hairs, you fuck!
- Nick Murder: I swear on my father's grave, okay?
- Kitty Kane: Oh, another whoremaster!
- Angelo: I'd like to fucka woman tennis player. You know, with the outfit on. And a tennis ball stuck in her panties.
- Nick Murder: Are you circumcised?
- Angelo: Hell, no. That shit hurts. Somebody cuts my dick it better be for vengeance.
- Kitty Kane: Get a life and then do love. Don't throw your dreams into the never-never. Life doesn't give you second chances.
- Nick's Mother: I've got one foot on the banana peel and one foot in the grave. And you do this to me? You have got dinosaur balls, buster. I should have clopped them off when you were a kid.
- Nick's Mother: Did I tell you his grandfather tried to have sex with me?
- Angelo: Really?
- Nick's Mother: I'm telling you. Told me my husband was a boy. That he could do things to me that I couldn't imagine.
- Angelo: Sexually?
- Nick's Mother: Well, yeah, sure. He wasn't talking about going to Jersey.
- Angelo: Mrs Murder. Nice to see you. How are you?
- Nick's Mother: Every breath is a victory.
- Nick Murder: Hi ya, Mom.
- Nick's Mother: Don't you, "Hi, Mom" me. I told you. I told you! In the sixth grade, I told you, "Never tell a woman your business. You just do your thing and you keep it to yourself!"
- Rosebud: I heard you with Fryburg. He makes loud noises, and I hear them.
- Constance: He makes loud noises?
- Rosebud: Yeah, I wanna make them too. I told my psychiatrist.
- Constance: What?
- Rosebud: Well I had nothin' else to tell him so...
- Fryburg: Hey!
- Constance: Oh, fuck off, Fryburg.
- Fryburg: I'm a fucking star!
- Constance: Did he do his Richard Gere for you, jumping all around in his jockstrap?
- Fryburg: Gere!
- Rosebud: I love Richard Gere. He's hot.
- Fryburg: Hot chocolate!
- Rosebud: He's got an ass that yodels.
- Tula: When a woman bends over, a man sees a jelly doughnut. Her brain expands. His explodes. Dead on arrival in her powdered jelly doughnut.
- Cousin Bo: We got the address. No last name. Find the love shack. You got a weapon?
- [Kitty holds up a pen knife]
- Cousin Bo: Maybe we should stop. Get somethin' bigger.
- Kitty Kane: I don't need somethin' bigger.
- Kitty Kane: Every day you'll wake up alone.
- Nick Murder: You don't even like me anymore, do you?
- Kitty Kane: I hate you with all the hate that you can hate with!
- Kitty Kane: Oh, it's poetry. Well, I'm gonna give you some fucking poetry: Pink motels, White thighs, Deep fried, Shake it, Bake it, Rotate it, Swollen heads, Busted beds, Empty lots, Dirty red twats.
- Nick Murder: You just made that up?
- Kitty Kane: I'm deep.
- Nick Murder: [singing] I cannot face this world, That's fallen down on me, So, if you see my girl please send her back to me, Tell her about my heart, That's slowly dying, Say I can't stop myself, From crying, Every day I wake up then I start to break up, Lonely is a man without love...
- Angelo: I'm not the type of guy who goes up to a woman says, "You want to go out with me? " and then takes his dick out. That's not my style. I'm no beast.
- Nick Murder: Marriage is combat, son.
- Police Officer: Yes, sir.
- Nick Murder: And not clean combat.
- Police Officer: No, sir.
- Nick Murder: I saw her coming out of the loo at her crazy sister's apartment. She had this headful of wet hair and was wearing a soft, cream-coloured terry cloth robe. So I asked her. I need to borrow a piece of luggage.
- Kitty Kane: You shacking up?
- Nick Murder: Ah, ain't nothing wrong with sex.
- Kitty Kane: You have big ones, buster.
- Nick Murder: Yeah. Dinosaur balls.
- Kitty Kane: I'm from Brooklyn. Boys don't talk to girls like that in Brooklyn.
- Police Officer: Rat shit! Bat shit! Dirty old twat! Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot. Eat, bite, suck, fuck, nibble, gobble, chew. I'm a fucking paratrooper! Who the fuck are you? Sir!
- Nick Murder: I'd be better off a fag.
- Angelo: Those guys are in shape. Randolph Scott was a fag.
- Nick Murder: Not Randolph Scott?
- Angelo: Yeah, him and Cary Grant.
- Nick Murder: Get out of here. Not in a million years!
- Angelo: The list is long. There's a lot of great fags.
- Gracie: You've been wronged. I feel it. You don't have to tell me anything. I have never met one man who was faithful.
- Kitty Kane: You've only been with one man, Grace.
- Nick Murder: She's a redhead.
- Angelo: Au naturel?
- Nick Murder: The whole megillah.
- Angelo: It's rare. They feel more. That's scientifically proven.
- Nick Murder: What?
- Angelo: You take a natural red versus a brunette. Right? And you prod them both with a jolt of electric shock, mild. The carrot-top's gonna need 20% more anesthesia.
- Nick Murder: To numb the pain?
- Angelo: Pain, pleasure, it's all nerve-related! The point is, they *feel* more. Nice as she is, red as her bush is, fuckable as she is, you gotta put the fire out, my friend! Attend to it! Stamp out that Benson & Hedges bitch once and for all.
- Kitty Kane: He's been married four times. Four times, Gracie, since he left you.
- Kumar: Mickey Rooney was married eight times!
- Police Officer: I don't care! I love Chester!
- Kitty Kane: [singing] Didn't I make you feel, Like you were the only man? Didn't I give you everything a woman possibly can? But with all the love I give you, It's never enough, I'm gonna show you, baby, That a woman can be tough, So come on, come on, Come on, come on, Take it, Take another little piece of my heart now, baby... .
- Kumar: Okay, okay, that's enough now. That's enough, that's enough! Ven I see somebody hugging it's make me sick. I feel lonely. So lonely! Don't make me cry. Please, go out!
- Tula: [on the phone] Oh, Nicky. I want you to put your finger up my asshole right now.
- Nick Murder: Tula.
- Tula: My pussy's lonely, baby.
- Nick Murder: Yeah?
- Tula: Kiss it, nasty man. Come on. Yeah. Give me those balls that clang.
- Nick Murder: Don't talk like that, will you?
- Tula: Well, you know what, Nicky? I cannot talk. I'm just getting fucked by a big, hard, young, circumcised cock.
- Nick Murder: What are you talking about? Are you with somebody else?
- Tula: You're not here. What do you want me to do sit around and touch me self?
- Nick Murder: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I do.
- Angelo: It's cleaner. It's cleaner without the foreskin. Most guys in pornos, John Leslie nobody better.
- Baby: [singing] I know a guy who's tough but sweet, He's so fine, he can't be beat, He's got everything that I desire, Sets the summer sun on fire, I want candy...
- Cousin Bo: Don't worry, kid. We'll find the ho. We've got to think like Kojak. "Who loves you, baby? " We'll smoke her redheaded ass out then we'll let the music play.
- Nick Murder: God. You are one crude broad.
- Tula: Is that what you think of me?
- Nick Murder: I'm not a thinker. No.