- Irving Feffer: It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for Christ's sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if your are not going to enjoy the ride. And you know what... when you least expect something great might come along. Something better then you even planned for.
- Sandy Lyle: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
- Reuben Feffer: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
- Sandy Lyle: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
- Reuben Feffer: I don't know what that means.
- Sandy Lyle: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
- Reuben Feffer: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.
- Claude: It's like zee story of zee heeppo.
- Reuben Feffer: I'm not familiar with that story.
- Claude: Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, "Cool beans. I am a heeppo." No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, "Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it." As soon as he accepts zis, he live life happy. Happy as a heeppo. You understand zis, Luban?
- Reuben Feffer: [long pause] I'm gonna kill you!
- Reuben Feffer: Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you.
- Reuben Feffer: No Lisa, I'm not going to take you back
- Lisa Kramer: [stunned] What, why?
- Reuben Feffer: Well, you screwed a SCUBA instructor on our honeymoon. What kinda cold-hearted bitch will do that to someone they love. I have to be an idiot to take you back.
- Sandy Lyle: All right, we all need to look into our hearts and go, "Do I think this dude is gonna die in a few years or not?" Is old Leland here gonna fight off a man... who goes by the last name "Reaper," first name "Grim"? Or will this BASE-jumping, crocodile-wrestling, shark-diving, volcano-luging, bear-fighting, snake-wrangling, motocross-racing bastard die?
- Cake Decorator: Hey, aren't you that kid from Crocodile Tears?
- Sandy Lyle: That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.
- Cake Decorator: Man I saw that movie in high school. That bagpipes scene, that was the funniest shit.
- Sandy Lyle: Yeah, we had a good time on that picture. You want an autograph?
- Cake Decorator: No, thanks. It's good to see you man. I thought you died like fifteen years ago.
- Sandy Lyle: No. I'm very much alive, my friend.
- Reuben Feffer: You don't know what it was like for me growing up. I had a mother who made me afraid of everything!
- Polly Prince: Well, big deal, Reuben, my dad had a whole second family!
- Reuben Feffer: What?
- Polly Prince: Yeah, on Long Island. He had a wife, and kids, and a golden retriever!
- Polly Prince: I've been living my life, okay? I've been in good relationships and I've been in shitty ones... and I've moved alot... and I've been happy, and I've been sad... and I've been lonely... and that is what I've been doing. Which is a lot more then I can say for some freak, who thinks he's gonna get the Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts.
- [while in a crowded elevator]
- Reuben Feffer: So whose party is this again?
- Sandy Lyle: It's an art opening for this Dutch guy, Jost. His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot.
- [pause]
- Sandy Lyle: Oh, man, I'm so friggin' horny.
- Reuben Feffer: [Toilet Flushes, Water Rises] Oh, God, I beg you, please. If you make this water go down, I will sit at your feet, and I will serve you for all of eternity.
- Reuben Feffer: I know that I have a .013% chance of being hit by a car on my way home. Or a one in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate. So I try to manage that risk by avoiding danger and having a plan and knowing what my next move is. And I guess you don't exactly live your life that way. Yeah... which is great, but I'm not gonna ever be a dirty dancer, and I don't eat food with my hands, and I really like you, but I just don't think this is gonna work out.
- Reuben Feffer: You know, they really should tell you if they're gonna just let Komodo dragons run loose around the hotel.
- Reuben Feffer: What did you do to her? Did you mess around with her oxygen tanks or something?
- Claude: I did nothing, Luban.
- Reuben Feffer: My name is not Luban! It is Reuben!
- Claude: Look, look we had a scuba, we drink some white wine, we talk about life and we cannot help it. It is like love at first sight. She make like the fire in my trouser.
- [first lines]
- Reuben Feffer: [practicing] I, Reuben, take you, Lisa... I, Reuben, take YOU, Lisa, to be my lawfully wedded wife. I do. I do.
- Sandy Lyle: Check out her expression - she's terrified.
- Reuben Feffer: She's smiling.
- Sandy Lyle: I'm a student of acting, Ruben - she's fakin' it. The woman got spooked, she needed to explore, which is exactly what you're gonna do - you've been given the gift of freedom, don't turn you back on that.
- Reuben Feffer: I don't want freedom, Sandy, I wanna be married! I bought a goddamn house! I got to move out of this apartment in like six weeks!
- Reuben Feffer: Oh and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows. Yea. Cuz throw pillows suck. They serve no purpose. They're purely decorative.