Blood Gnome

I can't imagine why anybody would NOT want to see a film with a name like Blood Gnome. However, be warned: while the title and cover might lead you to expect something along the lines of a cheap Critters/Ghoulies rip-off for the 21st century, it's actually more like a BDSM promotional film that just happens to have knee-high bloodthirsty goblins from another dimension scampering about in the background. I'm serious.

The other thing about Blood Gnome is that, while undeniably entertaining in a no-budget, student film kind of way, it doesn't have an ironic or self-aware bone in its body - as evidenced by the 'Making Of' documentary, which you soon realise is a minor gem in itself as the producer and director pour praise upon their stars' "marvellous performances", the lead actors (who come off like the slower cousins of Louis Theroux and Juliette Lewis) ramble on about sleep deprivation method acting, the 'effects' people show off their atrocious puppets which can't even stand up straight yet the film shows in badly-lit close-up every chance it gets...

See it only if you know what you're getting yourself into, and relish the prospect (i.e. if you firmly believe that Slugs is one of the best comedies of all time). Don't bother if you're looking for a genuine horror flick: the only thing that's remotely scary about Blood Gnome is the idea that it could really be someone's labour of love.

"Let's start a production company. What have you always wanted to make a film about?" "Bondage. Oh, and invisible vampire muppets."

This is the first new "nasty little buggers on the loose" movie since, probably the last Critters film in the 90's, that I've seen sneak it's way onto Blockbuster's shelves. So what does this film have that previous little hellion-based films don't have? Gratuitous nudity and tons of S & M, that's what.

This movie is apparently about a woman who had a bunch of tiny little monsters living with her that are called "Blood Gnomes." The woman is into sado-masochism, and lo and behold, so are the little monsters because they really get off on eating those types of people. You know, people that like bondage and that sort of crap. Well, of course, these little monsters are leaving a lot of dead kinky people in their wake and the police simply must investigate the deaths. Well, plucky crime scene photographer with a problematic past (of course) begins to see the little monsters at the crime scenes. Oh and he gets involved with a chick that operates a BDSM store—so it has a tender side, too. Just for you softies out there. Hey, it sounds pretty stupid, but is at least more tolerable than some of the crap coming out Hollywood these days that's being called "horror."

Here's the breakdown:

The Good:

--The tons and tons of nudity is really nice. What'd you expect here? Acting?

--The movie is surprisingly watchable for a low-brow, straight to DVD movie.

--Amusing story.

--Decent blood and gore.

Didn't Hurt It, Didn't Help:

--The acting is nothing special, but not as bad as I had feared.

--The look of the puppets is pretty cool, if not very original—they do look an awful lot like the Ghoulies and those little buggers from "The Gate."

--Uninspired music and average atmosphere.

The Bad:

--The little blood gnome guys look awfully puppety every now and then—and very rubbery.

--While the nudity and S&M crap really make the movie watchable, it feels like that's the only reason to watch this film.

--While amusing, the story is also nothing exceptionally new or special.

--Some of the acting is pretty bad.

--The writing is awfully unsophisticated.

The Ugly:

--Occasionally, characters talk to themselves in a mindless attempt to let us, the viewer, know what they're thinking. Apparently, the filmmakers didn't know any better way to do it.

--Claustrophobic camera use with an offensively high amount of close-ups. There was approximately three long shots in the whole film—that's hardly an exaggeration.

--Spends more time meandering around as a really soft-core nudie flick with S&M subtleties than it does building atmosphere for a good horror flick.

Memorable Scene:

--When the hero actually talks with the blood gnomes—via an internet instant message program! Really!

Acting: 5/10 Story: 6/10 Atmosphere: 3/10 Cinematography: 2/10 Character Development: 4/10 Special Effects/Make-up: 7/10 Nudity/Sexuality: 8/10 (lots of nudity, though mostly chests and asses of women, with mild S&M) Violence/Gore: 7/10 Dialogue: 5/10 Music: 4/10 Direction: 6/10

Cheesiness: 6/10 Crappiness: 2/10

Overall: 5/10

Hey, if you like horror movies with total assloads (pun intended) of nudity and some decent violence and funny little creatures that like hurting people, then weirdo, this one's for you. People who like their movies with a lot of quality might want to steer clear.

(www.ResidentHazard.com)

Sometimes you do wonder how some scripts ever made it to the production stage, let alone release. this is the finest example of such a film I have ever seen.

The plot ("justification for an S&M gnome film") revolves around the attempts of a crime-scene photographer to fathom the injuries suffered by individuals killed during S&M. We soon find out they were caused by killer gnomes under the dominion of a drug-dealing dominatrix. Who in turn, is under the control of a gnome producing octopus that most would expect to be contently spending its days menacing Dr. Who.

This film is farcical at best, although I do respect anyone who can sit through the whole of it without trying to attack the TV. I only watched it all myself as I was under very forceful duress.

No matter how much fun it seems to rent this film on the basis of a title that appeals to all drunken students, do not under any reason, unless you take immense pleasure in inflicting great pain on yourself and your friends.

1/10

The sheer stupidity of this movie I can get past. But the fact they tried to take themselves seriously for this pile of crap I can't. You really don't want to see this movie, and if I hadn't gotten a free copy of it, I wouldn't have seen it either. Do yourself a favor, go watch Gremlins, cause this movie isn't scary, funny, or sexy. They want you to think so, but it just isn't

Julie Strain, what were you thinking????

What I hate is that actress Ms. Pursley gets absolutely no credit for being the one single believable character in the movie. Considering the ridiculous writing, she probably did the best that was possible in such a mess. Entertaining, oddly. I hope the people controlling the camera shots are never involved in any movie, ever again. I made a better cinematographer when I was six. No, I'm not a cinematographer... that's how bad it was. The idea for the movie was not at all horrific. It certainly should not be considered a horror. Let's give credit to Ms. Pursley for her acting, shoot the cinema crew and at least thank the writers for a new and genuine idea.