- Bam Margera: Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words, I promise I will get my mom to say, "fuck" by the end of this movie.
- [after seeing an alligator in her house]
- April Margera: That's the scariest fucking thing I ever saw!
- Chris Pontius: I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.
- Angry Golfer: [after disturbing a golf game with an air horn] Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your ass for that?
- Johnny Knoxville: But... I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
- Angry Golfer: You got bursitis?
- Johnny Knoxville: Yeah.
- Angry Golfer: So that means you gotta play with a horn?
- Johnny Knoxville: It helps.
- Angry Golfer: I'll give you something to play with, pal!
- Johnny Knoxville: Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that.
- Johnny Knoxville: [dazed, holding head after golf cart accident] I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air and the next thing I know, I'm just... fucked.
- Bam Margera: Dude, you were hauling so much ass!
- Johnny Knoxville: Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?
- Dave England: No, no. I shit my pants at the fair.
- Bam Margera: [after Dunn puts a toy car in his butt] So, why couldn't you do this, because your dad would disown you?
- Steve-O: Well, no, I...
- Bam Margera: Dude, you drank wine off a dude's ass crack!
- Steve-O: Well, my dad never saw that, never told him that. I just went to him and said, "Listen, Dad, we're going hard these days, and there's some ideas floating around," and I just mentioned the toy-car-in-the-butt thing. And then he said... You know it's when like your parents said "I'm not mad at you, just disappointed" You know that hurts so much more.
- [laughs]
- Man: [a man tries to help Spike Jonze after his scooter zooms downhill] You alright?
- Spike Jonze: Yeah.
- Man: You have... Your brakes go out?
- Spike Jonze: Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.
- Man: Really?
- Spike Jonze: Will you push me to the top? I wanna do it again.
- Spike Jonze: [Acting like an old man on a scooter] You're a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?
- Chris Pontius: [after being swatted by a puma while wearing a foam rubber mouse costume] I don't like him. He's mean.
- April Margera: [fanning blankets in bed] I'm helping you, are you OK?
- Johnny Knoxville: [under blankets, clearly suffering] No, you're just wafting Phil's ass in my nose!
- Chris Pontius: Hi, I'm Bunny the Lifeguard, any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them.
- Bam Margera: We wanted to see if you would run here with a car up your ass!
- Ryan Dunn: No, I ain't running anywhere. It's scary enough to walk.
- Ryan Dunn: What a dumbass idea! I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake!
- Spike Jonze: *Offscreen* It's cactus!
- Ryan Dunn: It's cacti! Whatever it is it hurts!
- [after waking Phil up with fire works]
- Bam Margera: Hey Phil, you know you have to get up at 5 in the morning tonight.
- Bam Margera: [from extended footage, on phone] How much does Rake hate mustard?
- [to cameraman]
- Bam Margera: This is Rake's mom and she says I wouldn't be able to have children in my future.
- Phil Margera: Now you're getting crazy with this shit. Ape! He's starting to lose it! Jesus Christ! Ape! I need toilet paper!
- Man: We have very... What the hell you doin?
- Dave England: I'm sorry. I'm almost done.
- Man: I hope you ain't takin' a shit in that sonfabitch.
- Johnny Knoxville: [laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself] Oh shit, I'm taking a cab back to the hotel!
- [on "Butt-x-ray"]
- Steve-O: If Ryan was an animal, what would he be?
- Manny Puig: This doesn't happen in nature.
- Ryan Dunn: I'm not too excited about this skit, it's not my favorite I've ever done, because there's a toy car in my butt. But this is the "Butt X-Ray".
- Steve-O: [laughing] I ran straight into a crocodile! Oh, my God!
- Jeff Tremaine: Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
- Steve-O: [shrugs, scratches head] I dunno.
- Johnny Knoxville: What's the quickest you've ever knocked anyone out?
- Butterbean: I hold, like, a California state record's like 18 seconds including the ten-count.
- Johnny Knoxville: I think you're gonna break that today.
- Steve-O: So we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan, so we're gonna warm ourselves up with some fireworks.
- [while viewing the apparatus for the "Bungee Wedgie" stunt]
- Rick Kosick: This isn't gonna work!
- Jeff Tremaine: It might...
- Johnny Knoxville: There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O!... One thing I know, is good tightrope walking!