- Jessica's Dad: [walks in his bathroom covered in chocolate] Oh, my God. He shit everywhere.
- [screaming]
- Jessica's Dad: THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE! DAMNIT! THEY SHIT ON THE WINDOWS! OH MY GOD! MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT! HE SHIT EVERYWHERE! LOOK WHAT HE DID HE SHIT ALL OVER THE WALL!
- [Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]
- Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.
- Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.
- Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?
- Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.
- Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.
- Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!
- Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?
- Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy, dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.
- Ray: [Happy] My boy's special! How about that!
- [Hugs Lloyd]
- Ray: I knew you were different!
- [Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]
- Lewis: Aah.
- Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.
- Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.
- Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.
- Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?
- Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.
- Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.
- Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?
- Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.
- Lloyd Christmas: All Right!
- Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!
- Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!
- Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.
- Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?
- Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.
- Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.
- Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.
- Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
- [Ms. Heller giggles]
- Principal Collins: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant".
- Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.
- Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.
- Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!
- Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.
- Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.
- Principal Collins: No.
- [Ms. Heller sighs]
- Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.
- Ms. Heller: We start our own class.
- Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"?
- Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.
- Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.
- Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.
- Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
- [to Turk, below]
- Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
- [Turk laughs]
- Principal Collins: Bingo.
- Harry Dunne: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car] Charlie!
- Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in *shit*! My car's covered in *shit*!
- Harry Dunne: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
- [gets off the hood and starts to walk off]
- Jessica's Dad: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in shit!
- Lloyd: Who's that?
- Harry Dunne: That's Jessica's Dad. She says he's really anal.
- Lloyd: [Winces, disgusted] Ew... ugh, that's gross.
- Jessica's Dad: [as they walk off, fading out] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
- [Fade out]
- Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?
- Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.
- Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?
- Turk: [after Harry and Jessica and Harry finish talking] Hey Harry, did Jessica give you that banana in your pocket?
- Harry Dunne: No, my mom did!
- Turk: Gross!
- Harry Dunne: [pulls out of pocket]
- Harry Dunne: Want some?
- Turk: [saying discustedly] NO!
- Jessica's Mom: [Jessica's Mom notices Harry is digging into the dinner rolls she has prepared] I see you like my rolls.
- Harry: [Stares at Jessica's Mom] Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.
- Ms. Heller: The band sounds awful.
- Principal Collins: Ha ha. I sold the wood instruments for Hawaiian Air tickets.
- Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!
- Harry Dunne: I know...
- Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!
- Harry Dunne: No wonder we both struck out with her. How can we compete with the sexual power of the man who occupies the highest office in the land!
- Lloyd Christmas: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy, I don't think I can stand it.