- April Burns: I'm the first pancake.
- Evette: What do you mean?
- Eugene: She's the one you're supposed to throw out.
- April Burns: Once, there was this day... this one day when... everyone realized they needed each other.
- Grandma Dottie: Did someone say, "April?"
- Beth Burns: Yes, Grandma, she's your other granddaughter.
- Grandma Dottie: I know, I thought she was dead.
- Man in Mohair Sweater: You know it's funny; my mother was a mean woman, too. Nasty. There wasn't a nice bone in her body. She smoked non-stop, cheated at cards and she complained every day of her life. And you know what? There's nothing I wouldn't do for a chance to spend more time with her.
- Joy Burns: I only have one *nice* April memory. only one. She was about three or four. And she was sitting at the window. An she turned to me and said "oh mother don't you just love every day?"
- [Joy has just rudely requested that Beth stop singing]
- Joy Burns: I'm sorry, I'm terrible.
- Grandma Dottie: [pause] Who are you?
- Joy Burns: Don't start with that, you know who I am.
- Grandma Dottie: I know who you say you are, but my daugther is kind, and sweet, and soft-spoken.
- Joy Burns: Not anymore.
- Grandma Dottie: Then I don't know you.
- Joy Burns: I don't know why I'm so hard on you Beth, when you've always been the daughter of my dreams. We're almost the same person, except I don't have your weight problems and you're making the same mistakes I did and I wish you would make your own.
- Joy Burns: [Joy is smoking marijuana in a convenience store bathroom] Honey, roll it tighter next time.
- Timmy Burns: Sorry, mom.
- Joy Burns: I'm giving you a choice. You can either let me study the map, or you can rely on my uncanny sense of direction. Which will it be?
- Timmy Burns: Uncanny sense of direction!
- Joy Burns: Okay.
- [silence]
- Joy Burns: Where are we?
- April Burns: [discussing old-fashioned turkey shaped salt and pepper shakers that Bobby bought] We had these when I was a kid.
- [pause]
- April Burns: The one time Joy let me hold them she said, "Be careful, they're worth more than you are."
- Bobby: Well, that's terrible.
- April Burns: Next year they were gone.
- Bobby: So, what happened?
- April Burns: A hammer I was holding fell on them.
- Joy Burns: This way, instead of April showing up with some new piercing or some ugly new tattoo and, God forbid, staying overnight, this way, we get to show up, experience the disaster that is her life, smile through it, and before you know it, we're on our way back home.
- Wayne: Do you know that good feeling that often comes from being helpful?
- April Burns: Yes...
- Wayne: I'm not having that feeling here.
- Joy Burns: I keep waiting for a good time to tell you, but there's really no good time. I need everyone to listen.
- [pause]
- Joy Burns: I don't know how to say this.
- [pause]
- Joy Burns: We need to discuss how each of you, Oh God...
- Jim Burns: It's OK, sweetie.
- [everyone assumes that Joy is trying to discuss her imminent death from cancer]
- Joy Burns: How each of you is going to handle
- [pause]
- Joy Burns: discarding food without letting our hostess know.
- [starts laughing]
- Eugene: You made boxed stuffing?
- April Burns: Yeah. What's wrong with boxed stuffing?
- Evette: Nothing! I'm sure it's a fine brand.
- April Burns: Well, the cranberries were easy. I just had to open the can.
- Eugene: [needing support from his wife] Evette?
- April Burns: [sensing Eugene's outrage] What? Oh, come on. Everyone likes it from the can.
- Eugene: No one likes it from the can.
- Joy Burns: The thing about Smack Daddy is...
- Grandma Dottie: Who?
- Joy Burns: Smack Daddy.
- Jim Burns: Have I ever heard of Smack Daddy?
- Timmy Burns: He's a black singer, dad, you wouldn't know him.
- Jim Burns: Oh, no! I never head of, uh, James Brown, or Barry White, or Puffy the Dog...
- Tish: There's something I need you to know.
- April Burns: Okay.
- Tish: I never eat anything that has a face.
- April Burns: Oh, don't worry, you won't be eating it, I'll just be using your oven.
- Tish: Yes, but for me, to know that there was once a living, breathing soul...
- April Burns: I'm a vegetarian, I understand.
- Tish: Yes, but I'm a vegan. And even the smell of flesh cooking... I don't think I can help you.
- Joy Burns: Smack Daddy - man alive, is he sexy! Which does lead to this whole sexual thing. I mean, it does bring up some sort of nice memories.
- Beth Burns: You mean with like dad, right?
- Joy Burns: ...Him too.
- [Beth has just finished singing]
- Jim Burns: Bravo! Encore, encore!
- Beth Burns: Any requests?
- Joy Burns: That you stop.