- Dennis Miller: [about Jack Nicholson imitators] you know, I don't mind when it when they do Nicholson, but I hate it when they try to paint him into these incredibly mundane scenarios.
- [as another person]
- Dennis Miller: Can you imagine Jack Nicholson as a produce clerk in a grocery store?
- [as himself talknig to the guy]
- Dennis Miller: No. fuck you. You, I can imagine as a produce clerk in a grocery store, alright? Now let's not take the world's highest paid actor and have him spritzing a bag of turnips for $3.35 an hour.
- Dennis Miller: You know, I need Bob Barker lecturing me more on personal ethics. you know, maybe if I had spent the last two decades interviewing the semi-retarded game show contestants at the Hi-Lo wheel, I'd be looking to form study groups with orangutans too. I especially love it when Bob cautions me against using any product that was tested on laboratory animals for merely cosmetic purposes. Well Bob, what the fuck have you been dying your hair with for the last 20 years? I mean have you seen this guy? He makes Edgar Winter look like Gabriella Sabatini, for Christ sake.
- Dennis Miller: [about his short haircut] I told the person cutting my hair that I wanted to look like Potsie from "Happy Days..." and the kid fucking ran with it!
- Dennis Miller: And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."
- Dennis Miller: NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.
- Dennis Miller: Films are my hobby. I just saw "Young Guns", the film where everyone in it is Martin Sheen's son, but nobody has the same last name! That's a tight little nuclear family. What is that? The anti-Waltons?