Nikos the Impaler

Aw, come on, another shot-on-video horror movie? Wait, what's that? Starring the Legendary Felissa Rose? And a special appearance by Lloyd Kaufman? Directed by Andreas Schnaas??? Well, hot damn, I'm sold. This gore-drenched super-8-epic begins in 11th Century Romania. A Barbarian with a chip on his shoulder, Nikos, kills and eats just about anyone he feels like. One night, some torch-baring Romanians finally put an end to the monster, in a scene right out of Anthropophagus, simply gruesome. Fast forward to present day New York. Somehow, Nikos is resurrected in a Museum, when blood touches his mask, whatever. After a lot of dialog, and not much else, Nikos slaughters nearly everyone in sight, right before taking it to the streets of New York City to make up for lost time. Nikos goes on a rampage, slaughtering everyone in his path, to a mostly speed-metal soundtrack. As if senseless mutilations weren't enough, Nikos eventually resurrects Hitler to join him, along with a zombie, a vampire, and even some Ninja's for good measure. That actually sounds pretty stupid, now that I think about it. Stupid, but completely Hardcore. Andreas Schnaas has mastered the art of the gore film.

That's right, gang, German Gore has invaded the U.S. although things seemed a little more German in Germany, oh well. If you dig excessive (comical) gore, and don't mind watching something that didn't take $80 Million to make, you might not hate Nikos The Impaler, and if you're slightly disturbed, like someone I know, you might even develop an affection for it. Just about as gory as Schnaas's previous sin, Zombie Doom, although, it's not every day you see senior citizens slaughtered so graphically, so, obviously, in some ways, Nikos is better, especially if you consider that shower scene. This Schnaas guy obviously has a love for classic gore, it shows in his creativity, we need more guys out there like this lunatic. Nikos The Impaler isn't nearly as terrible as some of these other reviews might imply, seriously, it isn't that bad. For something that is THAT bad, check out Zombie '90, and this one will look real interesting, real fast. Who the hell cares, anyway? Starring Felissa Rose!! That fact alone should make up for any inconvenience Nikos may cause. 8/10

NIKOS THE IMPALER is not actual moviemaking. It's really nothing more than a group of people wondering how much carnage they can orchestrate with a limited budget. Even for those who enjoys gore, as I do occasionally, NIKOS doesn't offer enough COMPETENT gore and blood and guts to satisfy.

Perhaps the real audience of NIKOS is those who doesn't require their gore to be well done. If so, then NIKOS is for them. It's mostly childish gore, and most of the killings come by way of decapitations. Really, once you've seen five characters getting their heads badly chopped off by a big sword, do you really need to see 10 more?

4 out of 10

(go to www.nixflix.com for a more detail review and reviews of films in this genre)

You've got to admire Andreas Schnaas: despite no discernible talent for film-making, he's been churning out low-budget gore movies since 1987. I first experienced his bargain basement horror 15 years ago with the abominable 'Zombie 90' , and I recently picked up 'Nikos the Impaler' in the hope that maybe he had improved somewhat over the last decade and a half. No prizes for guessing that he hasn't!

This tale of a bloodthirsty 11th century barbarian brought to life in present day New York features some of the worst direction, editing and acting it has ever been my misfortune to witness. Schnaas and his team seem to have no idea how to piece a film together, but somehow, despite this (or because of this), 'Nikos' turned out to be fairly entertaining—a case of a film being made bearable due to its utter crapness. Of course it doesn't hurt that Schnaas loads his film with joke-shop gore and includes a gratuitous shower scene for the blokes (albeit one featuring a skanky woman with bad tattoos).

Schnaas's first film to be made in America, 'Nikos' starts off slowly, and the first half an hour is a real chore to sit through. After that, the blood starts to flow and fans of no-budget gore-fests will love the OTT death scenes. The unrealistic no-frills splatter FX come thick and fast and are good for a laugh, if nothing else.

Nikos, the big bad Romanian who is resurrected when blood is accidentally splashed on his mask at a museum/gallery, slices and dices his way through the cast, splashing blood and body parts all over the place. After slaughtering the people in the gallery, he continues his killing spree on the streets of the Big Apple, wasting the occupants of a cinema, the staff of a gym and finally some people in a video shop. At this point the movie goes completely bonkers, and Schnaas throws in some ninjas, a vampire and Hitler for good measure!

Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Well, for a while it is, but the lack of a decent plot and any evidence of technical ability from the makers ensures that proceedings become tedious before long. There's only so many inept beheadings you can take before you start longing for the end credits to roll instead.

The tag line on the DVD box says it all: "The Big Apple Gets A New Immigrant And A Very Big Problem." Oh so true. Unfortunately, that immigrant isn't the barbaric Romanian Impaler, it's the lame-ass German director. Geez. If your only interest is cheap but plentiful gore, and strippers taking showers, then director Andreas Schnaas delivers. If you want a story or acting or any of the other crafts associated with motion picture story telling, you must go elsewhere. It's easy to see why his films are also known as Violent Sh*t. His list of actors makes me think that he cast the film at a horror convention. Nothing wrong with that. Sadly, he gives few of these Grade-Z horror movie veterans anything to do. Joe Zaso, in particular, is wasted as a romantic lead.

The most interesting thing about the film is the commentary track by the director. Listening to it, you come to the distinct conclusion that he felt he made a good film. Now that's hilarious.

This movie is obviously a low budget splatter-flick as clearly expressed on the cover. I don't understand why reviewers are expecting great acting and Hollywood special effects. This is a project done by people who really just love what they do, and they do it for free. If you're looking for Hollywood stuff then watch Hollywood stuff. I personally enjoy this movie very much and I suggest it often because I personally know what it's like to create with no capitol. I rarely see a big budget film that sticks in my mind long enough to recommend it to others. Niko's decapitates and disembowels New York with no big names and zero budget. Andreas Schnaas writes, directs, acts and creates his own special effects. He will make it happen with rocks and dirt if he has to. Hollywood needs a thousand hands and millions of dollars and can't even do remakes well the majority of the time. Peace.