- Mr. Leezak: You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next.
- Sarah: [to Tom] We were evicted from a five star hotel, given the boot and now we're yelling at each other well not really, I'm yelling! I'm sorry I want to go home.
- Tom: [weilding a fire poker] Hello Peter! So happy you could join us!
- Sarah: Tom what are you doing?
- Tom: I was thinking, that it's time for Peter and I to TANGO!
- [smashes vase with poker]
- Peter: He's crazy! See you have no furture with this guy.
- Sarah: Peter, shut up. Tom you're acting like a crazy person.
- Tom: Oh yeah? Well, maybe that's cause I just got hit in the head with a ten-pound ashtray !
- [shrugs shoulders]
- Peter: I'm warning you Leizak
- [strikes a kung fu stance]
- Peter: I studied karate with a Grand Master.
- Tom: Yeah? Well I sure hope he showed ya how to pull a fire poker outta your ass!
- Tom: Are you going to tell me what really happened with Peter?
- Sarah: Are you going to tell me what really happened with red bra?
- Tom: Nothing happened
- Sarah: I hope you used a condom
- Tom: I hope Peter used a condom
- Sarah: I'm sorry, they don't make condoms that big.
- Tom: That's funny
- [to a fellow passenger]
- Tom: we've got a comedian here
- Sarah: You wanna hear something funny, I'm moving out when we get back
- Tom: I'm just gonna stop talking
- [The other passengers clap]
- [after being shocked while trying to charge the battery in an adult toy]
- Tom: Good thing that didn't happen while we were using it.
- Tom: Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening. You don't want me to be with Sarah and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life. Now, will you please... please... open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.
- Mr. Leezak: Gonna tell me what your chewin' on?
- Tom: I just don't know if love is enough anymore.
- Mr. Leezak: What do you mean, "enough"?
- Tom: I mean... Even if Sarah and I do love each other... maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.
- Mr. Leezak: So...
- [clears throat]
- Mr. Leezak: what your saying here is... you had a couple of bad days in Europe and... it's over. Time to grow up, Tommy.
- Tom: Hmm?
- Mr. Leezak: Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up. She doesn't need anymore security than that.
- Tom: Thanks, dad.
- Mr. McNerney: Listen, Leezak. I don't expect a "cracker" like you to be considerably a good match for my daughter, but I'll tell you what I do expect: I expect you pay me back in full as soon as that silly-ass radio show yields any kind of personal income. Goodbye, cracker!
- [hangs up the phone]
- Tom: Assbag!
- Tom: I specifically asked for a compact.
- Sarah: This is a European compact.
- Tom: No, this is a Ringling Brothers compact! I don't understand it. I loooked at the brochure and it had a Fiesta on the cover, not a Bingo!
- Sarah: Baby, just floor it.
- Tom: I *am* flooring it! If I pushed any harder, my foot would blow through the floor and we would be Flintstone-ing our asses there!
- [From the Trailer]
- Mrs. 'Pussy' McNerney: Welcome to the family, Tom!
- Mrs. 'Pussy' McNerney: Thank you, Mrs. McNerney.
- Mrs. 'Pussy' McNerney: Oh, you can call me Pussy now.
- Tom: Pussy?
- Mrs. 'Pussy' McNerney: You know, like a cat.
- [Outside bathroom]
- Stewardess: Return to your seat please.
- Sarah: [Inside bathroom] Just a minute.
- Stewardess: Return to your seat now, please.
- Sarah: [angrly] Beat it, Stew!
- Stewardess: Return-
- [they both knock on the door]
- Stewardess: Playtime is over, children.
- [the stewardess knocks on the door, Sarah imitates her, she imitates her again, they both knock once, Tom and Sarah knock the door into her face]
- Sarah: Is that a Thunderstick A-200o
- Tom: When did you become an expert?
- Sarah: I told you about that night in college.
- Tom: But you never told me about the hardware.
- Sarah: Getting a visual
- Tom: We gotta charge this thing
- Sarah: That plug won't fit in European outlet.
- Tom: I'll make it fit.
- Sarah: Don't force it.
- Tom: Great, there's no fucking tilt wheel in Europe.
- [the steeling wheel comes off the stick of the car]