Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express

Okay, all-time b-movie action hero Richard Grieco (remember Booker and 20 Jump Street?) meets up with some rich European and American people on a luxury train for a New Year's Eve trip across Europe, and of course a bunch of Islamic terrorists takes the train and blackmails the poor Western citizens... and of course it's Grieco's and some well-looking model's turn to find some bombs on the train and fight the foreign terrorist power...

It's sometimes impressing how the casting people decide for a film's actors. This time, German non-actor Christoph Waltz, notorious for his never-moving face expressions, plays an Islamic terrorist leader. Grieco rather looks like an early nineties' Seattle grunge guitarist and is really misplaced on a high-society luxury train, and the rest of the actors... well, after the film is over, you're lucky that you have survived the big express to boredom. Nor a highlight amongst the terrorists on a train movies, neither an entertaining action flick really... skip it!

With a small budget, Mr. Roper populates a railroad station with a large cast of extras who do very little but give a false sense of grandeur. We are introduced to a cast of characters who could, under certain circumstances, be interesting. There is a McGuffen that holds promise for fascinating interaction and believable action.

None of these things occur.

The mismatched cast bumbles through dialogue unfit for human consumption. The continuity is so bad that sections of the transparent plot simply seem to disappear. But it all grinds on in weary tedium until someone, I forget just who, blows up something and everyone kisses and makes up somewhere in Bulgaria or another.

In the fifties, this thing would go directly to a drive-in to be shown late at night to clear out the loiterers. Today, it has no place in the company of art and artists. Please, God, let there not be a sequel.

The only reason to watch this film is to see a future Academy Award winning actor doing something abjectly horrible to pay the bills.

The best part is when Waltz skips off through the train laughing maniacally towards the end. The rest is just... poorly acted rubbish. If you're watching this with the desire to see more of Waltz acting in English... do yourself a favor, and skip it.

Everyone has a few stinkers in their back pocket and this is Mr. Waltz's. Mark Roper must be a pseudonym for garbage as this, and Queens Messenger (Queen's Mess) are just horrid, flawed, nonsensical films with terrible acting, cheap locations, and plots that make no sense whatsoever.

I realize that Agatha Christie does not legally own the Orient Express, but I have to say that if THIS crap-fest is any indication, cinematically, she owns it outright. But even without factoring this against Christie's Murder On The Orient Express, this film is pure detritus.

This is about a terrorist and the celebrities he traps aboard a bomb-laden Orient Express. Or, so the synopsis says. What it was in actuality, was a flick wherein the heroines trip over their own feet, drop the gun and as it goes off it kills the bad guys, and any other contrived and clichéd piece of fecal matter it could find to insert.

This is probably one of the worst movies along this vein I've ever had the displeasure of having been forced to watch. There is not one single redeeming factor about this work, including Mark Roper the director. The truth be known, if you want a "B" action flick done cheaply without a single concern for lack of budget or talent? Hire Mark Roper. He's your man.

All in all? Don't waste your time. Watch Murder on the Orient Express instead. It may be dated, but it's still a beautiful piece of film. THIS is overrated crap and will always BE overrated crap.

It rates a 1.9/10 from...

the Fiend :.