White Cargo

Director Ray Selfe was better known for saucy comedies. This movie was originally meant to be a vehicle for The Goodies.

They wisely bailed out, especially as they wrote their own material and were known more comedy aimed at kids.

With a young David Jason. This is an inept comedy, badly written with a little sauciness.

Albert (David Jason) is a civil servant who fantasises that he is a superspy. He ends up in a strip club and stumbles into a scheme where white women are sold as sex slaves to arabs.

At times the movie looks like a series of long sketches with fantasy sequences. It is cheaply made and not that funny.

The only note of interest is the casting of David Jason and Dave Prowse.

A terrible movie, it really is but it's funny to think it stars probably Britain's biggest sitcom star and movies most notorious villain!

This is NOT the worst film I've ever seen, and I've been watching actual and TV films for over 60 years now. But it's on the short list, along with the few vampire/horror movies I've ever strayed onto, a couple of other dire 'sex' comedies of the 70s (generally as erotic as cold porridge), and the last couple of Carry On movies, made well after the 'regulars' had mostly retired or died.

The other reviews describe the essence of the 'plot', though I'd take that word loosely for this film. One did helpfully say that the script had been intended for the Goodies - who created classic TV comedy back in the day -- but they wisely decided to be doing something else that week!

The one review that was well wide of the mark was that of Egham1, who pointed out that Imogen Hassall might have enjoyed the proceeds, apparently unaware that she'd met a tragic end just a few years after this film was released (escaped?). A cruel voice might wonder if she'd finally atched it, and decided to do herself in to avoid further major embarrassment?

As one or two reviews said, this film may be lousy, but it does at least feature one star of two of the UK's great sitcoms (Jason, Only Fools, & Open All Hours) and Dave Prowse, soon to become the body of Darth Vader (they decided his Bristol pirate accent didn't have the gravitas for frightening people?!). A most unlikely pairing!

Albert Toddey (David Jason) is a homely lonely guy. He goes to a strip club and rescues Stella from a thug. Or did he? She takes him home and tells him that girls have been disappearing. Two men comes and snatches away the girl while Albert is in the other room. He finds a note with Arabic writing. He continues to search for the missing stripper while his daydreams keep getting into the way. There are two bumbling immigration agents investigating Albert and the disappearances. The girls are being sold into white slavery to the middle east.

This is frighteningly bad. It's suppose to be a comedy to somebody but I couldn't tell you who that audience would be. I guess this was the state of British comedy at the time. Imogen Hassall is the only compelling personality in this. David Jason is playing too dumb and too pathetic. None of it struck me as being funny. I was interested in seeing the girls get rescued which kept me watching until the end. But I wasn't happy about it. It's a short movie and I couldn't wait for it to end after an hour. The last section is one bad slapstick after another. I made it to the end and I'm giving that a 2.

There was one reason, and one reason only, that I watched this film (in 2006) and that was because David Jason, everyone's favourite British TV sit-com star, was in it. He must cringe every time this film is mentioned! The plot is awful, the acting is awful and the sets (such as they are)are low budget. I have given this 2 because there are one or two genuinely funny moments but the overall score should be minus one! I'm sure that (in 1973) the attractive ladies (with attractive bosoms!) would have a stimulating effect but nowadays, nope! Imogen Hassall, a lovely lady who decorated many a cinema screen, must also look at this with horror. Having said all this, I'm sure David and Imogen were laughing all the way to the bank! Don't bother to watch it.