La Prisión de Hielo

The bad big snake movie redux

First off, people who throw around the epithet "worst movie of all time" haven't seen enough bad movies. Go watch Turbulence 1, 2 or 3, or Druids to know what the phrase really means. This movie is bad, but it's fun bad. It's heckle-able (is that a word? it is now). There's plenty to make fun of but it's hardly unwatchable. If you go in (as I did) knowing that this is going to be a bad big snake movie (or a bad CGI-thing movie) then you can enjoy it on it's own terms for 90 minutes. Granted, they are stupid terms, but hey, why else would you rent a straight-to-video movie starring Dean Cain & a CGI snake?

This movie is non-stop B quality action. One of the least likely plots in the world, some of the most unrealistic special effects ever and a script that probably doesn't exist, I think the director realized the caliber of acting talent he had at his disposal and let them adlib the lot. Best bits are when the security guard acts like he has had no gun training as he fires his shotgun aimlessly (good pun). Also when dean cains missus runs off and he shouts her name about 7 times in a row. JESSICA, JESSICA JESSICA. I do love this film, but only cos its really bad. Dean Cain to play bond!!!!! Oh and the ending is ridiculous!!!!! Cold blooded snake that isn't bothered it's in antarctic conditions!!!!! Likely.

The world-leading countries sneakily aligned on opening a top-secret and maximally secured prison in Antarctica, reserved for the worst of the worst kind of criminals, like terrorists, government hackers, and fallen dictators. Construction and drilling works are still in progress, although the facility is already in use, and the workers drill through a hallow rock and awaken a gigantesque prehistoric snake.

Well, you know, these things happen...

Luckily, there's former TV-Superman Dean Cain as a useless paleontologist who gives brilliant advise, like: "Don't shoot the gas pipes" (but the soldiers continue to ignore this) and "Let's release the prisoners because they know more about escaping...".

It's a terrible film, but - in its defense - can anyone name one 'giant snake' horror effort that is actually good? No, of course not. Even the far more budgeted efforts, like "Anaconda" and "Python" are worthless. If you're looking for adequate snake horror, stick to the "normal sized" slithery serpents, like "Venom", "Mamba", "Fangs", "Jennifer", "Rattlers", "Curse II: the Bite", "Sssssss", or "Stanley". The best way to enjoy "Boa" is as a so-called "send in the military cannon fodder" flick. These are horror/Sci-Fi movies dealing with random military men being sent into a top-secret and geographically remote government research facility or underground lab to eliminate creatures much stronger and slimier than them. The CGI effects are terrible, the wardens and (especially) the prisoners are hopeless stereotypes, and finale is downright ridiculous - although it does predate "Snakes on a Plane" by a handful of years.

Like Anaconda but in Antarctica and the women are in parkas. But this movie was much better than Anaconda because of the ensemble acting. There were some funny accents just like in Gladiator.

We had to rent this movie like we rent any movie with hunky Dean Cain (who should have been in Gladiator).

We were expecting the movie to be a lot better than it was judging by the packaging on box that depicted a cool looking snake that kind of looks like a box if you know what I mean. Even though the movie wasn't "Oscar" material, it did depict realistically what would happen if an Antarctic prison colony was invaded by a giant prehistoric snake. I, myself, did not think that New Alcatraz/Boa was Epic in the same sense that Gladiator is epic. In that context, New Alcatraz/Boa is no War and Peace. However, New Alcatraz/Boa had a strange twist of irony unlike any film I've seen in a longtime.

If there is a sequel to this movie we would like to write it... imagine a biblical thriller in space with a giant snake.

The movie is best described as any typical poorly produced horror type movie where the characters will do the stupidest things to get themselves killed for no reason (eg.-walking into places knowing that you'll be killed or not taking anyones obvious warnings). The acting itself was not bad but the movie doesn't make much sense as to how a giant snake can move around the prison but can't really be seen until at least the last 45 minutes of the film. Some scenes were just written poorly. for example, dean cain promises a prisoner her safety when she was freaking out about the snake eating her and 5 minutes later, all he did was shoot her (but not the snake) so she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of being eaten... I guess that's still keeping his word. I'm no animal expert but this snake goes around this prison eating a bunch of people...don't snakes eat and then go hide and sleep it off since they're most vulnerable when they are full?? I don't think it's even worth the time watching this film. if dean cain would show some skin, perhaps it's still worth the rental.