- Jerry Cubbins: Why don't you go see a chiropractor?
- Ray Pluto: I need a real doctor, not some frou-frou shit like that.
- Chick Dimitri: Pluto, here's your gun. It tough time gettin' it back from that little kid. He was afraid you wouldn't know what to do with it.
- Ray Pluto: I could stick it up your ass.
- Chick Dimitri: You could, Ray, but there's no bad guys up there. Sorry.
- Ray Pluto: What, no room with Spigot's dick up there?
- Ray Pluto: Did you ever notice, like, women sometimes call each other "guys"? You know? They'll say, "Let's go, guys," and it's just like all girls there.
- Jerry Cubbins: Yeah, I've seen them do that.
- Ray Pluto: But, like, guys don't do that. I mean, you never hear guys go, like, "Hey, let's go, girls."
- Jerry Cubbins: What, guys calling other guys "girls"?
- Ray Pluto: Yeah - you know, it'd be like an insult.
- Jerry Cubbins: Like they were calling them a fag.
- Ray Pluto: Exactly. You know, but it's okay for women to go, like, "Hey, let's go, guys." And it's fuckin' crazy, man. You know?
- Juan Benitez: When you learn to respect your father and speak to your father, then *maybe* I'll let you look like a whore!
- Cletis: I want to do the darts goin' in with a giant close-up. We need the right sound. I want a nice solid, rich, chunky "thwock!" when it sticks in the dude's head. Write that down. T-H-W-O-C-K. Thwock.
- Jerry Cubbins: [on the phone] What are you doing?
- Ray Pluto: I'm just sittin' around, smokin' some hash, man.
- Jerry Cubbins: Yeah, me too! I just did a whole bucket of crack!
- Juan Benitez: Fuckin' graffiti's like a fungus, you know. You don't take care of it right away, it'll spread all over the place.
- Lt. Spigot: If I hear your fuckin' back goes out again, I'm gonna put you behind a desk out on Staten Island. How's your dictation?
- Ray Pluto: Not as good as Dimitri's.
- Lt. Spigot: What did you just say?
- Ray Pluto: Well, with all disrespect - I mean, with no due respect, what I'm saying is I don't know anything about - dictation. I'd probably be terrible at it.
- Lt. Spigot: Get out before I stick my foot up your ass.
- Ray Pluto: Okay. Thank you, sir.
- Dr. Ann Beamer: You're holding back on me, Detective.
- Ray Pluto: Sorry. Um, maybe you want to try it again?
- Duke: Man, you sayin' a white guy gonna act like that?
- Cletis: You tell me a black guy's gonna act like that?
- Duke: Come on, man. Come on, man! Cletis, you're my friend, man! You know, I don't wanna be arguin' wit chu.
- Cletis: Yeah, you're my friend. But I think you got a bit of racist in you.
- Duke: Whoa. Yo. Bro? No.
- Cletis: Yes. I noticed it.
- Duke: Is it - is it - is it what I said about the Ebonics?
- Cletis: No, it's not that. It's other things. But, I don't take it personal, because you're white and you don't know any better.
- Duke: Well, that's some mega-heavy shit, Cletis.
- Ray Pluto: If you talk to a lot of shrinks, they would tell you that, you know what, deep down inside - everybody's gay.
- Jerry Cubbins: I'm not fuckin' gay, Ray! I told you, I'm not!
- Ray Pluto: I didn't...
- Jerry Cubbins: Jesus, why do I even...
- Ray Pluto: It didn't come out the right way, Jerry. All I'm tryin' to say to you is, you're my friend, okay? And that's all that really matters. Okay, cowboy?
- Jerry Cubbins: I'm not gay, Ray. Okay? I'm not!
- Ray Pluto: Oh, of course, you're not. Everybody knows that.
- Jerry Cubbins: Well, then what that hell am I doin' lookin' at your ass?
- Ray Pluto: I don't know. It kind of stuff happens to everybody, I think.
- Jerry Cubbins: Have you ever looked at a guy's ass?
- Ray Pluto: I - probably have, once or twice.
- Jerry Cubbins: Have you ever looked at my ass?
- Ray Pluto: No.
- Jerry Cubbins: Why not?
- Ray Pluto: Jerry, I think you gotta talk to somebody about this.
- Jerry Cubbins: I'm talkin' to you, Ray.
- Dr. Ann Beamer: Chiropractic is primarily manipulation of the spine in order to relieve pain.
- Ray Pluto: All I know is my back feels great. I'm even getting to the point where I enjoy getting on that table with you.
- Jo Jo: We're not gonna do shit! We just have to sit here and think, Ping Pong! We just gotta fuckin' think! You're not thinkin'. It's a thinkin' man's game and you're not thinkin'! So think! Think!
- Ray Pluto: Well, I got to tell you, I agree with Cletis. I don't believe half the stuff I see in the movies. You know? Especially, like, crime movies, and more especially with the cops. Real cops don't act that way. Professionally speaking, you know, the stuff you see in the movies, quite frankly, it's fake. Like those Clint Eastwood movies.
- Jerry Cubbins: Jesus, don't get too excited. You might piss all over the floor.
- Chick Dimitri: Something's not right with this case, Cubbins.
- Cletis: You - were right! "In Yo Face," that's the movie! "In Yo Face!"
- Duke: Man, I was just going with the vibe, you know. I mean, we both did that.
- Cletis: No! No. You did it. It was your idea. When we get to Cannes, I'll buy you a six-pack of Dom Periyom!
- Duke: And we're fuckin' goin'! You know we're goin'!
- Cletis: Hell yes, we're goin'! Parlez-vous! Parlez-vous!
- Juan Benitez: Ray, what does that say?
- Ray Pluto: Geez, I don't know, Juan, it's all Chinese to me.
- Juan Benitez: Ah-ha! So it's your Chink friends, then!
- Dr. Ann Beamer: You know, I've never had sex with a policeman before.
- Ray Pluto: How was it?
- Dr. Ann Beamer: Can we try your handcuffs next time?