Guerra de comida

Words cannot begin to express how awful this movie is. Have you ever seen Lawnmower Man? Remember those CGI scenes in which Jeff Fahey gets it on with the CHI woman? OK, now imagine someone watched that and thought "hey, there's a kids' movie here!! I just have to find some way of slapping a script together, hiring the guys who made these really cool graphics in the early 90s and I'll make literally thousands of dollars!"

It doesn't appeal to kids, or adults, or even the blind apparently (a blind guy walked out halfway through saying it stunk). I'm not sure who's left.

Genre film producer and Vestron Pictures producer Lawrence Kasanoff tried to cash-in on the success of animated movies made by Pixar and Dreamworks in the mid 90's and early 2000's but he did it in the laziest possible way a kids film can turn out to be.

If it would have been released in 2003 as it was planned, it would probably be considered a bad, strange and awkward hack job but fate had different plans for this piece of garbage. It wasnt enough to be a bad product of its time, fate wanted it to be one of the worst films ever made by delaying the already flawed production for years and releasing this trash into the world.

When you mix a pandering producer who doesnt have much experience at directing, let alone animated features, with a bunch of annoyed underpaid animators, several production difficulties and straight up bad decisions you get... Foodfight.

The film was originally going to be animated to resemble a Looney Tunes cartoon but Kasanoff decided the film would use motion capture, a technique that clashes with the cartoony animation style he wanted. The result is the worst of both worlds. Characters are stiff with their movements but this is often interrupted with more flexible stretchy movements that arent executed properly because of the bad animation and feel completely out of place. Thats not taking into account the awful art direction, ugly 3D models, disgusting textures and generic designs.

When you try to make a project like this, you should at least be familiar with how the medium works, instead of making arbitrary decisions that will inevitably create troubles for you and your crew; there doesnt seem to be a consistent idea or vision for the film besides making it a commercial family picture for the lowest common denominator.

You know, this review isn't based on the premise that this is an egregious film. It is, I agree that this film is abhorrent. However, the legend surrounding this lukewarm, atrocious piece of media is far more enjoyable than this pile of excrement.

This *ahem* "film" came out December of 2012. It was supposed to come out in December of 2002. The film was stolen, and that was probably for the best. However, because the directors had faith (or fear that they'd lose 45 MILLION DOLLARS) for this film, so they began again from scratch. And what we got was probably the worst thing of all time.

If this movie was a regular Hollywood flop I'd maybe forgive it. But on account of how atrociously awful this film is in any aspect, I'd expect it to be made by a 17 year cannabis addict who maybe knows a bit of VFX. But this is a 45 million dollar animated film starring Charlie Sheen and Dwayne Brady. If Clerks can be made with a 25,000 dollar budget and Napolian Dynamite for $40,000, how is this god-awful film's budget anywhere past $7.34! Oh I know! Charlie Sheen spent 44 of the 45 million on crack. Yeah, that'd explain this movie. They were on crack the entire time.

Words cannot describe the amount of crap this movie sinks in. It's terrible in every single aspect: And I mean it this time. The animation is the equivalent of nails going into your eyeballs, the sound effects are all crap, the plot is wonky, the characters are so bland they're almost non-existent and it just goes on, and on, and, on, and on, x500. This movie is terrible, almost even laughably bad. In fact, it's so awful it IS laughably bad. I was in tears of joy that it was over, tears of pain that I wasted my precious time on this, and tears of laughter that something so awful even exists.

Watch it just once, and you'll quote me.

Foodfight! is a cynical, cheap, patronizing, lifeless, lazy, unfunny, tasteless, shoddy, disrespectful, offensive-to-anyone-with-a-brain piece of unmitigated garbage, sure, but it's much more than that.

Because it is meant to be entertainment aimed at children, and because its message amounts to nothing more than "BUY OUR BRANDS, OUR BRANDS LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE OUR BRANDS, EAT OUR FOOD, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT..." Foodfight! is not just a bad movie.

Foodfight! is PURE EVIL.

So far, the movie has only made $73,000 on a (shocking) $65 million budget. I guess there is some justice in the world.

Ten years ago, when Threshold Entertainment's hard drives were stolen, writer/director/producer Lawrence Kasanoff called it an act of "industrial espionage." I salute the brave souls who actively hindered the production of this film. You fought for the brain cells of children everywhere. I think watching even fifteen minutes of this movie has made me stupider.

Don't just skip this movie. Burn it, then bury it in a desolate field somewhere. It deserves to die the worthless drop of despicable piddle it is.

Also, ƒ*¢% Larry Kasanoff.

This isn't just a really bad movie. This is a movie that, ten to twenty years from now, people will be debating whether or not it even existed. Like the animated Titanic movie, it isn't just bad, it is bad in such a way that it will be considered inconceivable that such a movie could have even been green lit; a movie where people will see brief snippets and wonder if it was a real movie or just somebody's entry-level CG demo-reel.

For this reason, this is not a movie that should be watched. This is a movie that should be thrown into the basement under lock and key for twenty years until it becomes obscure and collectible just like Nintendo's Virtual Boy.

I'm not kidding. I have a Dex Dogtective doll, and when I tell people what it is and where it's from, the reaction is always the same: "Holy ****! That thing is real?!" The C.G. is terrible, the characters are one-dimensional, the writing is asinine, the jokes make BioDome look like Waking Ned Devine, and the talent of the voice cast is squandered across the board.

The only thing that makes this movie even worthy of note is the overabundance of marketing icons. But this isn't a precursor to "Wreck-It Ralph" -- won't offer any insights as to what the life of a marketing icon might truly be like (Charlie Tuna makes an appearance, but nobody comments on the fact that he exists to sell the shredded corpses of other tunas). Instead, all we get is a hollow narrative about how buying generic brands is evil. SO BUY OUR CRAP!!! Yes, it's that bad. Right up there with Manos: The Hands of Fate, Tentacolino, Birdemic and The Room: A movie so bad that some people just absolutely have to have it.