- Millicent: Eamon... women are like microwave ovens. You need them to heat up your noodles, but you have no idea how they work.
- Ma: So, you are not a homosexual?
- Eamon Manley: Ma!
- Ma: Because Mrs. Riordan up at the spa, now her son is a homosexual, and he is a very nice lad. I'll just ask them to see... maybe on Thursday...
- Eamon Manley: I'm not a homosexual, Ma.
- Ma: Well, what *is* the matter with you, son?
- [first lines]
- Voice over: We have survived on this planet for five million years. Today, we face extinction. Male sperm counts now are in freefall, the average man now producing less than half the sperm their grandfathers did in their prime. Are we witnessing the beginning of the end for the human race? Are we doomed? Every day I ask myself this question: Where might we find a superman, a new Adam, to reverse the decline of the fertile man?
- Ma: The first time I met your father, God rest his soul, all I saw was that tight wee arse. Like two boiled eggs in a bag.
- Eamon Manley: It's not like that with Rosie. I'd die for her.
- Ma: Oh, that's right, Eamon. She'll like you that much better Whenever you're dead and lying in one of her coffins.
- Reporter on TV: With birth rates in the Catholic community increasing, many Protestants fear they may no longer be in the majority in Northern Ireland.
- Policeman: Eamon! Eamon! I just wanted to thank you. It's a miracle! You haven't done anything, but you are fertile, I'll give you that much, Eamon Manley. You're the most fertile bloody man in Ireland.
- Eamon Manley: I don't think I like women anymore, Mammy. I'm going to be homosexual. I'm scared, Ma. I'm like the king who touched anything and it turned to gold. I breathe and women get pregnant.
- Dr. Johnson: Do you see this? This file is thick with women desperate for a baby of their own, but the church won't let them consider the scientific solutions. Do you want to do some good in your life, Eamon? Do you want to help? You can make a lot of women very happy.
- Father Mernaghan: [leaning out of the confessional box for air, shouting] Jesus, God!
- Eamon Manley: [also looking out from confessional box, whispering] Is it bad, father?
- Father Mernaghan: [after some hemming and hawing] We live in interesting times, Eamon. Our women need babies, our men with no noodles. The church will not abide artificial insemination.
- Eamon Manley: You mean you don't mind?
- Father Mernaghan: The way I see it, Eamon, you are the the lesser of two evils.
- Father Mernaghan: Well Eamon, as the big man says, "Go forth and multiply." I have to go and tend to me own children.
- Eamon Manley: Don't you mean your flock, father?
- Father Mernaghan: I know what I said, Eamon.